Clocks' Run Out, The Time Is Now

The clocks’ run out, the time is now! –John Cena

Totally corny I know, but accurate. As 2010 comes to a close, we look to 2011 with a new resolve to see a brighter beginning. It is human nature for us to do this to ourselves when we lose a loved one, see a birth, find religion (insert your fave one here), get a debilitating illness, overcome circumstances that should have not been in our favor, we resolve to change things in our lives that we really should change anyway.

1.       Diet (To eat better)

2.       Vices (Smoking, drinking, etc.)

3.       Exercise (To do more of it)

4.       Poor decisions (Relationships, job, etc.) as in get out of them

5.       Newness (Relationship, job, etc.)

6.       Insert yours here

UGH! So many things can and do get added every time there are life-changing events. We do this to ourselves every year mostly though at this time, because of the promise of a new year because we like new things. Remember that new car you got? Be it “new/new-to-you” car? Umm, yeah… it was pristine for about a year or so then it was just another car. When it was the best ever though, most of us swore we’d get the scheduled maintenance BEFORE the due date, clean it rain, sleet, or snow, wash it weekly, and never park around other cars for fear of a ding or dent. Yup, that went out the window quickly.

                I guess my point is this, resolutions usually end up getting “unresolved” by mid-year… we are all guilty of that. Why do we all wait? There’s no time like now no matter the date. It’s crazy how we create a sense of urgency every year on December 31^st and we forget so quickly what we plan to do to change everything. Pick any day.

Every day is relevant. Every day is meaningful. Seize the day and decide to change the moment. Don’t wait for December 31^st to change your life.  It’s the day, not the date. There’s no day like today! Well, never mind the fact of date today.

                When my grandfather died many years ago (2004) at his funeral, my sister and I agreed to put our past behind us (many fights, disagreements, repressed emotions) and at the time I was dating her best friend and had been for a few years. We agreed to be better with one another, due in large part to the realization that family should be close because life is so short and we need to love one another regardless. Well, two years later I cheated on her best friend and got my ex pregnant and my ‘sister’ pretty much wished death on this unborn child because I cheated on her best friend. That unborn child now is going to be four years old in February and has a name; Mirieanah. Also, she holds a uncopied key to a special place in my heart reserved just for her as my only daughter. A change was made. When my grandfather died, a reaction to a life-changing event warranted a response. Once the newness wore off, my sister went back to reality and she was back to her normal conniving, selfish, deceitful self. Now, if my sister had really made a change for the better for herself, she would have acted accordingly. She would have not necessarily jumped for joy that I hurt her best friend, but she was gaining a niece. She should have been a little happy. No, my sister was VERY vocal about her displeasure. It has been 3 plus years since we have spoken at length beyond a look and a grunt. Oh, and her best friend and I lasted until Mimi was a little under a year...kinda. I made some 'resolutions' too that I didn't fulfill. Her friend and I weren't even a couple anymore after Mimi was born, we were just going thru the motions.

                As 2010, comes to a close, try to live each day with this thought… Can I live? Live… What does it mean to live? Silence please… Think about that. As you live in 2011, stay real and seize the day… the moments that come each day. Change is good, but there’s no need to wait til December 31^st, 2011 to do it.  Each day is a gift… it doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine. Let the sunshine on your face. I subscribe to a website called Mountainwings. It's run by Pastor Nathaniel Bronner who also is a co-owner of Bronner Bros. Hair Care products. He sends out an inspirational email daily without fail, 365 days a year. Mountainwings <--- Check it out if you want. You can read through them without subscribing. I've taken this poem from an issue I received about 6 years ago.

Starting now, I want to paint my dash… read below: *

The DASH

=======

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came her date of birth

And spoke the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years

(1934-1998)

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth...

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

The cars...The house...The cash,

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash

So think about this long and hard...

Are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

That can still be rearranged

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what's true and real,

And always try to understand.

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

And more often wear a smile...

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read

With your life's actions to rehash...

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

Written by Linda Ellis

*Taken from www.mountainwings.com past issue 7135

Simply Being

Good Morning,

Well it's been 13 days since I last wrote. The reason it's been so long is because I've been really busy. Much has happened since 2December. I have started to write down each of them quite a few times now but I stop each day because I don't have the exact wording down. I'm going to just write it down today. Free form. Let's begin.

• NFL Training Camp

I got NFL Training Camp for an early Christmas gift and I decided to do the 60 day training camp combine challenge. It is basically a workout regimen that calls for a  25 to 30 minute workout to be done 4x/week with 3 days to rest. The program works upper/lower body, cardio, and strength training. It is a fantastic workout and VERY specific. It day starts and ends with stretching. It measures your HR and burned calories by monitor.

Above: HR Monitor and motion detector (Placed on non-dominant arm just below elbow)

Depress button to turn on and light turns blue. Can be used for EA Active games for 2 players.

Above: Motion Detector (Placed on right leg near upper thigh)

There are many exercises that can improve endurance, stamina, and strength among other things.

If you want to know more about the game, NFL Training Camp <-Click the link

Your stats can be tracked on:

http://www.easportsactive.com/ <-Check it out

• Dr. Maddicuri's Office Visit

So I met with Dr. Madducuri recently and the EEG went well. She says that everything went "well". My "episodes" were many in the beginning, but in the end they became fewer. The migraines were still bad, but manageable. Now, I'll say this... I'm sure as anyone with migraines can tell you it sucks to have to say that migraines are manageable. Migraines always hurt. They have pain associated with them regardless of the degree. My Topamax up to 100 mg 2x/day. That should help with my migraines and the migraines are still there and the photophobia is still prevalent as well. Also, to quote Kindergarten Cop "It's not a tumor!!!" I am truly blessed to know that! However, I am still annoyed that people never get a clear picture as to why these things happen. The brain is still an unknown area and still so uncharted.

• Basketball Rec League Coaching

Above: Da'lin before Saturdays' game. 12-14 loss in OT

Well, I had my first game this past Saturday and let me tell you... these kids look VERY promising. Da'lin has improved a lot over the past year. Last year, he almost couldn't go a practice without getting visibly upset cause he couldn't make a basket. He'd shoot the ball and wouldn't even hit the backboard. He'd catch a pass and look at the basket and think about the shot at the basket. He'd overthink the shot. He'd think about how far the shot is. How impossible it is to make it. Who is around him. How often he made the shot before. If he even made the shot before. Whatever the thought process was... he was thinking entirely too much. One day, I took him to the basketball court and we shot around for about 1.5 hours. As he shot, he would hesitate for a few seconds before he shot. I asked him 'Why are you doing that? Stop thinking about it and just shoot! You know where the basket is. It isn't gonna go anywhere. One of two things is gonna happen once that ball leaves your hands. Either you're gonna make it, or you're gonna miss it and that's gonna be just about it. Stop making it a life or death situation." He really didn't get it. Then I used it as a life opportunity. Which I won't explain to you all because it was a father/son moment talking about life and the critial moments that truly are life and death... My son is a little advanced for his age. He tends to think as an adult sometimes. Lots of moments in his life are tough. His mother and I are not together and he has had to live with that. His father is a whack job (partly serious) and he must deal with that. He is in a school program that has demands on him that provide a curriculum that is grade levels above him yet, he must adjust. Da'lin is a brave individual that I greatly admire and he gives me far too much credit for I would have given up already yet he struggles on showing little fear. Anyway, after a 10 or 20 minute conversation he started getting consistent with his shots. In life, I do not believe it it never about being perfect... one must be consistent. Do the same thing everytime. Da'lin started hitting the rim every time! Then he started posting up for jumpshots, then BAM! he was nailing jumpers! Man it was a sight... I started tearing up... I really taught my son how to play a game and a life lesson... simply be... stop over thinking it and just be.

• General Thoughts And Ramblings

I've had many things happen over the past two weeks. I've watched so many movies, shows, been to board meetings, and I still have many things to say so bear with me for a sec.

Be careful what you say about people, you may eventually become one of them. When I was a kid, I went to a mostly white school. I was called a nigger for the first time when I was five years old by a freshman. Then he punched me in the head. I will never forget that day. My grandmother had to explain to me what the difference was why people were so mean to me as a child. With that said, I have friends that are heavier set people and I have some skinnier friends as well. The mother of my children is not exactly small either. many times people have ridiculed her... in front of me and in front of her as well. She has heard it all. Everything from the cow noises to the flat out "fat-a$$" comment. Let me just say, one day... karma can and does strike back.

I'm going to start a trend. I'm gonna call out all backstabbers going forward. There are people who talk about me behind my back and I know it. It is unhealthy to be two-faced. I don't mind if people don't like me cause my brazen approach isn't exactly for everybody, but why pretend to be cool with me if they were just spreading rumors and gossip about me? I plan to make whoever it was extremely uncomfortable until they come clean about it. For example, let's say someone says that I am a liar to Person A **NOTE**AS LONG AS I KNOW FOR SURE AND IT'S PROVEN AND IS FROM A REPUTABLE SOURCE** then comes to talk to me at a party while I'm conversing with another friend. I'm going to calmly say to this person "Since you feel it is okay to say that I am a liar to Person A what makes you think it's okay to talk to me as if we are friends?" and leave it. This will leave it up to that person to come clean. It is time for people to start being real with one another. Honest. Stop lying and be straight up. It's cool not to like someone, just tell them. They can handle it. If someone says something about someone else, it don't matter. Gossip is not cool and it has no place in this world. We have to stop it. A clear stance has to be made.

Another thing about personality, "back and forth flashes" as I will now call them are a pain and I dislike them. In fact, I am guilty of them myself. You can't like someone one day then dislike them the next. Stop it. Not cool. You can be mad at someone though and then move on from that anger, but really? If you don't like someone cut out the crap that's around you and just don't like that person. UGH!

Those who know me, know I am a Christian and also know I am young. Many young people have left the church for the reason that I am about to mention. If anyone of those of you reading this blog have left the church for this reason... please go back, don't feel that God will deem you unworthy. I find myself shaking my head sometimes when there is a resistance from the churches for change. Young people are being lead like cattle to follow a guide without the Holy Spirits' direction. In other words, if the direction of the church was to never change Amazing Grace would never have been put in, church would still be directed in Aramaic, all baptisms would still be in rivers or streams, oh boy could I go on. Things can and do change. Change is good. We learn that all the way through. The church can and needs change. Most will disagree. Young people, sometimes you will fall and you will fail... but as the Prodigal Son did you will come home because the Holy Spirit will lead you. The key is... will you listen? If you don't listen... then you won't go. Sometimes, when I was younger, I was made to feel like, if I fell, I'd rather not go back to the church and stay away than to have to go back and get the third degree about what I did wrong and get a lecture. If I read the Word and I interpreted something different than status quo as a teenager or a young man, I was redirected. Don't be afraid to let the Holy Spirit in a lead you in the Word. Age does not lead, for the Lord is ageless. Don't let someone who has experience tell you what each verse means for the Lord is timeless. The Bible is a living work. It breathes. Each time you read it, you learn something new. Don't let someone tell you what to think or see in Its words. It is for discussion. There are no wrong answers. The Holy Spirit is what gives you the words and the meaning.

As a Christian, I may make the difference between someones salvation or their damnation. Because of my actions it may make someone want to come to Christ and may want to make them run away from. As the Bible says. I may be the only light they see. How would it look if I say that if with my migraines and pain I'm still gonna sing His praises and as "bad" as I have it, I still will, meanwhile, someone that read this has to wear a helmet, can't drive, and has no job and wishes they were in my shoes? Now I'm not only the jerk, but I just may have put a bad taste in their mouth about God because they may ask why them? Don't get me wrong, earlier in my posts I did still sing His praises, but it's in the way you do it. We must not act like we're doing some great thing in singing His praises. We are supposed to! Either way! Good or bad! That can offend some people. We gotta act right. Don't "peacock" around and strut.

And with that... I'm done. To those that are reading. I thank you. Many people I guess are reading but aren't subscribed. Please consider subscribing. It will help my sanity. LOL. Ask questions, whatever. Oh and you young people, if you are looking for a Baptist church <- Click the link to start somewhere.

I have found a new song that I SIMPLY LOVE...

Simply Being Loved by BT

Back To The Grind

Hey, it's been a long time... I shouldn't have left you :o) I hadn't been to the gym in quite a while. Four days to be exact. I've been running around doing errands, updating Pop Warner website, getting ready for the end of season banquets (Pop Warner), basketball is getting underway... so you could say I've been really busy.

I have felt much better waking up in the morning everyday. The Topamax isn't so bad anymore. Maybe it never was. However, I am still losing weight which is FANTASTIC!!! I feel so much better with all the weight coming off. Thank God!! I have wanted all this weight off for so long. I feel much better now. No 'episodes' for quite a while.It's been a little over a week I think. Everything has been going rocky in my personal life, but there is nothing I can do about that right now but pray. No GTL like the Jersey Shore guys say, but it's PTL as my pastor says... Praise The Lord! Regardless of what happens in life, gotta do it! There is no other way. All I can do is workout, teach and learn at Bible study, attend church, spend time with friends and family, tell those I love that I do, and walk in His way (which is never easy). Never in that order or in the same order each day. I find it easier to tell people what I think of them and their actions now than I did before, which I am starting to believe is due to me realizing my own mortality. NOT due to my health issues. It is important to tell people what you really think of them and not pretend to care about them. I have people in my life who do that and I find it extremely wrong and there is no reason to disrespect anyone like that. Ever. Jesus said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"... Is there one who can? Anyone? Nope... no one. Not even those who serve the Lord for years and years against the man who walks into the church reeking of alcohol. Nope... they are the same. Just as dirty.

Isiah 53:5 (New International Version)
...by his wounds we are healed.

Regardless of what our vices are, what sins we have committed, the pains we have endured or given... we can, and will be forgiven for them. Believe, and it can and will be forgiven by the one and true Saviour Jesus Christ.

So, I went to the gym after Bible study (which went great by the way) and I walked on the treadmill for a whole half hour! It was fantastic! Weight loss zone almost the whole time! My heart rate was around 120 to 130. I got so much cardio out of it. It was amazing! I listened to Kaskade's Coachella set the whole time... Here's a few tracks from the playlist:

Kaskade at Coachella 2010<Downloaded to my Zune from Kaskade's website long time ago... lol hour long set. Below is a couple of tracks from the set.

Dynasty by Kaskade

Don't Stop Dancing by Kaskade

Gonna go tandem watch Lebron's return to Cleveland (Go Cavs!!!!) and Eagles VS Texans... (Rooting for Eagles)


Good Night And God Bless...

Danny

Thankful Am I? Thankful I Am.

     Afternoon everyone. I actually went to the gym this morning. It was a great workout. I figured that the gym would be dead... NOPE! It was packed!! It was great with so many people there, I knew I was in the right place. Everytime I go to the gym, it gets a little easier to lift. I'm thankful for that. I'm slowly getting up to 80 percent of 1 RM. I've had quite a bit on my mind as of late. It helps me at the gym so I have the fuel to motivate me as well as the idea of getting back on the field next year. My clothes are starting to fit much looser now as well. I've noticed my knees don't hurt anymore when I do leg presses or bend my knees now. It was strange, cause my doctor said that may happen. I didn't believe him. I felt that there was no way that knees could not adjust to body weight. I've lost a total of 40 (Yes, I did say 40) pounds since March. My plan is to be 230 by springtime. I'm at 259 now. At my heaviest ever, I was 298. That was back in March. I crash dieted to get into the Army because of the whole "weight" thing that the Armed Forces set forth and I dropped 17 pounds in 2 weeks by limiting myself to 400 calories a day AND taking Magnesium Sulfate daily. That should have worked... but the recruiters had nothing for me... again. I won't even keep on that tangent... moving on. Some of my weight should be attributed to the Topamax that I take at night. It doesn't curb my appetite at all, but I just eat the same stuff I always did and have portion control along with the working out and here I am... I think I've lost close to 17 or 18 pounds since I started the Topamax four weeks ago. In no time, I should be down to the 230 I want to be.
     I'm just happy to be here. Here. That's kind of relative right? A generic relative statement. Here is in relation to where you are in life and space even. If the storm is swirling around you... can you brace for impact? How? Read the book of Job in the Bible. Job battled a few. From his friends, a literal storm, from Satan... and even in his faith in God... he was close... dangerously close to losing faith completely... I know all too well about that.
     Timing... it's all about timing. Everyday, I learn more and more about it. I fought my body to lose a bunch of weight to make it for the Army. Now, the weight is just coming off, but not because of me forcing it off. It is in God's time. Like it or not.

     "He will never take you where He cannot keep you."-Unknown

     I don't know who said the above quote, but I say it to myself all the time. I always find myself in things that I question if I can make it. Sometimes though, you have to ask yourself 'Did I get myself here? Or did God?' Tough question to ask... even tougher to answer.
     So anyways, back to the topic at hand... I think... the gym, Thanksgiving, morning. Yep, I actually went. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes and worked up a good sweat. My heart rate was about 152 at its peak. When I was at 298, it stayed around 180 or 185. I was really out of shape I guess. I also lifted... a lot. Like I said previously, creeping up to 80 percent of 1 RM. It's not easy, but I'm getting there. I'll never take it for granted again. That's for sure.
     Life is hard, so is being a Christian... lifting is hard, so is being a father, a friend, a man... all of these things require God to make it...

Happy Thanksgiving,

Danny
   

You Never Know

This pic was taken at the Pats game from last night. I'd say I look like the newest member of SAMCRO huh? LOL! I really had a great time with my best friend Tony. He took me to a fantastic game. Pats won of course. The seats were in a prime location. Can you say row 26, seats 15 and 16? Not too bad. Especially when they're a gift.  Originally, I was supposed to be (planned on really) being gone for military service by January 2011, hence why it was important to go to this particular game. With the holidays so close, there will really be no time on my weekends having the kids, basketball practice, church and such.

I love football. I am very passionate about the subject of football. Some would argue that it is just a game, others (such as myself) will say it is a science. As with any science, there are factors that contribute to the makings of any experiment. Multiple forces (we'll just say two for the purpose of this blog), an action, a reaction (caused by the action and the forces), which leads to the outcome. Also, there are observations (on the part of the head coaches and staff, predictions (by sports writers), among other things... it's a beautiful thing to watch. Just so we have something to watch a few nights a week from August to February. Most take football for granted anyway. Monday morning quarterbacks as some may call them. They say things like "Well, why did that coach call this play?" or "I'd have done this or that?" Yep, happens all the time. Just wanted to babble on a little about football for a second or two.

As I watched the game, I couldn't help but feel happiness. I couldn't wait to get back out there come March and start practicing again. Getting ready for the upcoming season. Next feeling to come over me was, what if God decides that football is not for me? What if I am to never strap up again? What if I am not meant to put on the pads and tackle someone again? It is God's will that I need to gain wisdom of. Will I ever? Maybe not.

Proverbs 3:13-15
¹³ Blessed are those who find wisdom,
   those who gain understanding,
¹⁴ for she is more profitable than silver
   and yields better returns than gold.

Wisdom, is the HARDEST thing to ask for. Most of us don't want it. I REALLY don't... usually. Wisdom requires the ability to understand all facets of knowledge without bias. It's tough because it is in the human nature to always know oneself above everyone else. Right? We feel right, even when God tells us (scripturally and morally) we are wrong. It feels wrong, when we turn a blind eye to the things we know we should do yet we continue to do them. Sometimes, people tell us what God wants us to do and we feel obligated to listen... but what we need to realize is what is God telling us to do in our heart? We need that wisdom. It is what made Solomon great! We need to come correct and obtain that wisdom. It is an ever-growing thing. You can never have enough of it.


Proverbs 19:21
²¹ Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
   but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

I am at a point in my life where I stand at a crossroad. I look at my past and I see what I once was... I was everything that I wanted to be at that time. I made good money, I did as I pleased, I answered to no one... not even God. I went to church on "the BIG THREE" Easter, Christmas, and Mothers' Day. That was it. I knew God was there, but the hypocrasy in the church was just too much for me to bear at that time. I wanted to be free. Now, I'm very active in the church and my prayer life is stronger than it was (not where it should be mind you) yet I am still at that crossroad and I am standing at that intersection...

Where to? Well, for tonight... it's the gym, then back home... and maybe sit down and watch some TV...

Some parting music for tonight... It's You, It's Me by Kaskade

Feel free to subscribe to my blog, or invite others to!

Much love!

Danny

I Fight On...

Last night, I had two more convulsions. Going forward, I won't keep calling these 'episodes' seizures. In my estimation, I can't see how it is possible to have 21 seizures in four weeks. The night before, I 'collapsed' in my room. My legs became jelly and I just fell. I was disoriented for a few and then felt tired. I stayed up for a bit, but I was kind of off.

I worked out last night for a bit at the gym. I can tell I am pushing myself really hard. Success is my only option. Failure is not. The time for giving up is not available. It can't be.  I did however, decide to keep on the Topamax (4x25mg@night). I have basketball practice tonight, so no gym.... but hey, I'm still trucking along...The Dance by Garth Brooks

I love that song.

I Fight On

Each morning I rise to pain in my heart and head,

Each night I go to bed I wonder will I wake to Heaven instead.

As I travel through the fog of each moment cherished,

The world seems hazy yet my mind seems unblemished.

I know what to say but not quite what to do,

Each step I take seems the next might be untrue.

I fight on to feel the sunshine on my face once again,

I fight on to let the moonlight dance in my eyes now and then.

I look around to see who stands with me, and find once in a while,

There is silence, just me and me alone, still I find peace... and I smile.

My words are oft misunderstood and I speak profoundly that others find lies,

When only I know my heart and I know I speak truth yet they can't look me in the eye.

My walk is strained at times, and many are quick to run past me,

I can only smile or cry becuase it depends on which day you catch me.

My tears are true and my back is heavy laden with my load,

Jesus said 'Would you like mine instead?' I know I'm not that bold.

I fight on to live even though even those I love might sometimes strive to see me suffer,

I fight on because sometimes I know I might need to feel some rain before I find cover.

If you were to look into my eyes there are things that you might see,

You would see everything you need to know about the man that is me.

The things that each of us go through are hard and we cannot, must not, and should not belittle one another based on opinion. The world is based on opinion, not fact. It is disheartening how so many can wage wars, violence, and isolation based on a feeling or a set of beliefs. Education and discussion is the only way to combat these things. Encourage discussion amongst each other. Even Peter and Paul had disagreements over who would be 'Sgt-at-arms' so to speak for Jesus in the NEW KINGDOM. If that discussion had never have taken place, would we have the understanding we do? Maybe, maybe not. Discussion needs to take place... amongst each other... for each other... with each other.  Fight on... FOR one another.

Gotta Look This World In The Eye

Sorry I didn't blog for the past few days. Been rough. I've been going through some things personal and it's been tough. I understand that the stress has partly been because of myself, but the meds and the illness are taking a toll on me. It's hard to understand how this works... the only thing I can get is this:

Mark 8: 1-12

1-3 At about this same time he again found himself with a hungry crowd on his hands. He called his disciples together and said, "This crowd is breaking my heart. They have stuck with me for three days, and now they have nothing to eat. If I send them home hungry, they'll faint along the way—some of them have come a long distance."

4His disciples responded, "What do you expect us to do about it? Buy food out here in the desert?"


5He asked, "How much bread do you have?"


"Seven loaves," they said.


6-10So Jesus told the crowd to sit down on the ground. After giving thanks, he took the seven bread loaves, broke them into pieces, and gave them to his disciples so they could hand them out to the crowd. They also had a few fish. He pronounced a blessing over the fish and told his disciples to hand them out as well. The crowd ate its fill. Seven sacks of leftovers were collected. There were well over four thousand at the meal. Then he sent them home. He himself went straight to the boat with his disciples and set out for Dalmanoutha.


11-12When they arrived, the Pharisees came out and started in on him, badgering him to prove himself, pushing him up against the wall. Provoked, he said, "Why does this generation clamor for miraculous guarantees? If I have anything to say about it, you'll not get so much as a hint of a guarantee."

At this point, everyone saw that Jesus had performed "miracles". The only reason why I put the word miracles in quotes is this... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN IT, THEN IT AIN'T. See, the Pharisees had no clue that Jesus had just placed a miracle in their hands... literally. Yet, they got nothing out of it. Nothing.Guess what, the "miracle" started when? When do you think? Jesus thought ahead to when His people would leave His "sight" and He wanted them to be full. He thought of them when all they wanted to do was be with Him. There were some who were there just to test Him, to see Him, to see if He was all He said... but either way, Jesus still wanted to look after all of them. He still does. That is the "miracle"... How can it be that He could look after us when we don't even care about ourselves?

I went to the gym last night and it felt good to work out. The pain in my body was almost equal to the pain in my heart. No matter how much I pushed myself... the pain inside just grew and grew. The pain of all the dreams that I've had over the years. I wanted to re-enlist in the Army and I gotta tell you, the recruiter is a definite joke. Had no desire to help me out at all. Maybe God still is working...

I stopped taking all my meds today. Done with them. I have to go back to work and get everything back in order so I can pay my bills and such. Come hell or high water, I'm going back to work. Dreams are over with, and I got to get on living. Foolish? Maybe... Life is beating me down and the storm is raging, again. So, I'll push back with everything I have and rely on God to protect me. I had many dreams on re-enlisting, on college, on owning a home by the age of thirty. Nothing happened. Nothing. Maybe God has other plans for me. For a long time (VERY LONG TIME), Abraham could not see what God had in store for him. I'm no better than him so I guess I'm just stuck.

The blessing is in there somewhere... I'm sure of it. So I ask myself now, as everyday... Is His grace still sufficient? Yes, with a tearful eye and beaten, broken, and battered. Yes, His grace... stands at the ready, to heal me...

Sugar, We're Going Down...

Tonight was tough. Went to church for some spiritual relief this morning after waking up late. Got to church just as praise and testimony was starting. I wasn't feeling too good starting with the wake up. I wore sunglasses (with ZERO UV protection) all through church and it didn't help. The sermon was good though. It was about How Does Satan Tempt You? Reading comes from...

Matthew 4:1-11

These you can read in the Bible.

I battled with the throbbing pain in my head all sermon. Tough day... AND I HAD JUST WOKE UP NOT EVEN TWO HOURS PRIOR!!! It was hard to walk by the end of the sermon. The pain was enough. Tired wasn't even the word... that I was feeling. I came right home...

I sat around for awhile watching NFL Network (like I do DAILY) and it took a few hours to feel better. As I sat, I thought about all the other people who couldn't go out and enjoy the day outside because of epilepsy, migraines, or whatever illnesses ail them. Then I thought about next season...Leominster Razorbacks. I absolutely had to go. No choice. Well, actually there IS a choice... not go and give up for the day, or try to make it and fight it... to walk, then jog, then run. Every journey starts with a single step... I went to the gym... at 1700.

As I said last night, the gym closes at 1900. I walked in and it was very quiet there. Not too many people there. I walked on the treadmill for about twenty minutes. It was hard to do. VERY hard. My legs were on fire. UGH... My head was light... I had my Zune on and I was listening to some music. Had a little pick me up music on... and I kept on trucking. It was disheartening to see people two times my age running so fast on the treadmills and ellipticals and here I was... a semi-pro football player who was a 2010 defensive co-captain, a Pop Warner football coach, a basketball coach... walking. Limited. Measurable mobility. Just a few months ago, I could run no problem. Now, my mind says 'GO! GO!! GO!!!' My body says 'Ummm, NOPE!'. It's so hard to understand... but the answers are not for me to understand. When I started lifting on the Technogym machines (Lat Pulldowns, Chest Press) I was only working with 110 pounds and I'm used to 200 to 250! With the curl I was struggling to lift 30 pounds. My pride was so far broken I couldn't and still can't describe it. I asked myself..."Is His grace still sufficient?". I'll tell you the same thing I told myself... "_______" Nothing. Silence. This is that wall. There were teenagers there who were lifting more than me... I couldn't do it. His grace brings me here... right now. Can I as a Christian accept that? It is hard to say. The fact I can say that doesn't make me less of a Christian or a 'backsliding' Christian... it just makes me a man. An accountable Christian man.

Romans 7:21-25 (The Message)

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Imagine if you can for a second, playing with your kids, loved ones, or just walking down the street to the store on Monday. By Tuesday, and everyday after that... you don't know if you have the energy to go room to room in your own home. Could you not get angry? Just a little? That's okay too. I did. In fact, I still am. I ask again? Is His grace sufficient? At times, I can't answer... today, I can't as of right now. I'm praying for God to speak to me. Whisper words of comfort to this body of 31 years that feels so old. I'm trying to make it and I know I can't do it alone.

It surprises me how there are so many people who can believe in luck, chance, and superstition (all of which you cannot prove scientifically either), but laugh at the sheer thought of Jesus Christ. If they can give all of these things a chance, why not give Jesus a try? What else is there possibly to lose? I mean really. I am by no means a Jesus Freak or a Bible Thumper but I only like to generate discussion. I say if you are offended by the very mention of God, then stop spending American money (it ALL says 'In God We Trust') and you obviously don't agree with that, don't sing the national anthem (last stanza proclaims 'In God Is Our Trust') and obviously you don't, the very laws that protect you shouldn't (In American courts, you swear an oath on the Bible) don't matter much if you don't believe in the middle of it)... I won't even discuss why Colombus came over here anyways nor will I bring up why the British were so ticked off at us branching off... yes, religion had a part in all of it. Oh well... moving on. Let me step off of my soap box.

The Patriots are playing the Steelers so I'm done for now... Oh, here's a few of my favorite websites.

• New England Patriots
• 98.5 The Sports Hub
• Pandora (great app) free on Blackberry or on desktop
• Bible Gateway

Sometimes, if the mood strikes me... I may type multiple times in a day. As always, feel free to ask questions...


Love And Light,

Danny

46 degrees out and in a tee shirt...

**Taken At Doyle Field From Far Side Of The Field towards Priest Street**

Let me start off by saying this much, people always ask me "How are you feeling?" first thing in the morning. I think I can speak for probably 80% of the population by saying no one likes getting up in the morning. I didn't when I was younger, but later on in life it didn't bother me. Since I have had these issues, I feel like death warmed over every single morning. I feel like I drank a fifth of Stoli Raz and Sprite sans Sprite. UGH!!! Never a good feeling. Could be the meds, could be the 'condition'. Don't know as of yet. I usually don't get a good gauge on how I will feel until 1100 or so to know how the day is gonna go yet even then, my energy is sometimes wasted in hours and I'm done for the day sometimes by 1400. I run through two or three thousand milligrams of Tylenol/Motrin a day for relief from migraines/headaches so it depends. I never know. With all that said...

I went to choir practice today... it was a good time. Then , off to meet up with my friend Chris who I have not seen since January. I miss his company. He is a great person and an even better friend. He moved to North Carolina last September. We talked about my health and life in general. I really enjoyed it.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the LORD establishes their steps.

So I left Athol and headed to the gym, but there was a problem... gym closes at 1900 on Saturday and Sunday. It was 1947 by the time I got there. Yup, problem... for most. Actually, for me too. But this was also, an opportunity for God to speak to me. I could have just came home and blogged to you about how the gym was closed and I'll try again tomorrow blah, blah, blah... no need to. I went to Doyle Field instead. Rather than hang it up, I made a change. Change is a good thing. In the face of adversity, you must adapt. I wanted to lift weights and walk on the treadmill, but I couldn't... so I just walked. Jesus walked. A LOT!!!

Matthew 4:18

As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.





This is the first time we read of Jesus walking and that is when He meets His first two disciples. He walked a lot. When he talked with the disciples He walked. When He wanted to be alone, He walked to His destination. When He preached, He walked to get there. If walking worked for Him... then it would just have to do for me tonight!! If the Jewish people could 'wander' well, we might as well say walk for the purpose for tonight's blog for forty years, I could walk for a few minutes!!! And that, I did... 46 degrees outside, it was dark out, and I did it in a tee shirt... for an hour and 15 minutes.

When I work out, there are a few 'essentials' I need...

1. A fixed focus on God's will for my workout
2. My 16GB Zune Player (Microsoft's version of an IPod only better)
3. Some type of headgear (Under Armour skully, bandanna, etc.)
4. A positive outlook
5. A clean mind (no focus on reasoning or logic) HIS logic isn't mine

**NOTE** This is not an easy task and nor are these 'essentials' (mainly 1, 4, and 5) always with me. I only hope and pray (hope you will do the same) that I get better at it.

As I walked in the 'cold', one song I listened to was The Tree Knows Everything By Adam F feat, Tracy Thorn (from Everything But The Girl) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlMPp46zOi4 (give it a listen, you'll love it...) and I looked at the sky and saw all the stars in the sky. I realized how I was looking at them cause I could. I didn't have to. There are homeless out there tonight that do have to. No choice. I was out there with no long sleeves on because I wanted to be. They are because they have to. Not all of course. Some could work. Some can't. Some won't. It's not for me to judge why, how, or what is done while there are homeless, but just the fact that there are those that are without warmth... I pray for them. Prayer is the strongest thing we can do for those that are homeless. As well as helping them with a few dollars maybe or whatnot if you can. Buy them a sandwich or a hot soup. I also pray for others that have epilepsy or migraine conditions that are worse than mine and feel they can't go on with life cause it is just unbearable. I read a forum story of a cop who had a seizure and lost his job. He has no idea what to do. I walk for him. It's not much but, along with prayer... something can give.

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

I will keep on... never lose faith... His grace is still sufficient for me. I pray it is tomorrow.

More music for you to check out if you like that I listen to...

Kaskade- It's You, It's Me 2010 Remix

Pendulum- Streamline (Not the official video, but still cool)
**NOTE** What this guy is doing is called "free running" Click the link if you'd like to learn more about this art form. I'd like to do it someday....

Everything But The Girl- Five Fathoms

God Bless Everyone... Good Night...

I'll leave you with this... at the end of this road... the start of the 2011 season or if God should decide to snuff my life by whatever means (not necessarily by this affiction)...

HE FAVORS ME!!!

The Genesis... (Sort Of)

**NOTE** I must edit this... I collapsed last night... well, kinda... I fell out from exhaustion and head pain and slept for hours. Went to the gym today and did light workouts today for about an hour and a half. I did about 60% of 1 RM. Basically 110 lbs lifting and 130 with legs. Walked about two miles. It took half an hour. It was NOT easy. I felt wobbly but I powered through it.

Well, here it is... November 12th, 2010. My second time trying to blog. The first one (38-20-24, I think it was called) was a huge flop. It involved a bet trying to lose weight to enter the military by losing the necessary weight and get my waist down to the necessary requirements by my birthday. Which was five weeks away. I did a great job... for a few weeks. I was not happy about having to lose the weight anyways because I was okay with my weight (kinda). It was a joke to the recruiter because he really had NO desire to get me in at all. He passed me off all the time. I think it was because of my age. It seems that if you're 18 and have no clue what the real world involves they will sign you to eight years REGARDLESS of your weight!!! Believe me, I saw the wall in the office!! That's neither here nor there...

This blog is for one reason... HOPE. Background story:

At the age of nine, I was diagnosed with a migraine disorder. By the age of 13, a seizure disorder. I was prescribed Depakote to control not only the seizures, but the migraines. It worked well, but I was always a zombie. In school I never payed attention, I was always tired, I couldn't hold focus... five years off and on... but no seizures.

At the age of 17 with four and a half years with one seizure EVER... I enlisted in the US Army Reserve. I went split option. Basic Training in between my junior/senior year to go to AIT after graduation. AIT never happened. After an accident with my hand, I got dropped my the Army after I had a seizure when I was nineteen. Grand Mal. Yep. Army career over. To be honest, I was young and really didn't want to be in anymore anyway. Young and stupid I was. I had a seizure on average every six months for 4 years. Usually I had a thirty second aura of warmth but no 'accidents' as in peeing myself or whatnot. All grand mal. I decided to stop the Depakote again... **NOTE** I only took it once in a while anyways.

By the grace of God... 9 years... no seizures. I played two successful years of semi-pro football with the Leominster Razorbacks (2005 and 2010) and you'd never know I ever had seizures. When I went to re-enlist in 2009, the recruiter had me get an MRI and an EEG. Both came up with no scarring and no long term damage done to my brain. In fact, according to the neuro, nothing abnormal ever showing I ever even had a disorder period. Until...

2 Corinthians 12:7

Therefore in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

...and that I was... on October 12th, 2010 I was running drills with my Pop Warner kids and laughing having a grand old time. In the middle of the night, I started shaking in my right arm. I figured it was just residual pain from a football injury from August. Woke up later on in the morning at 0530 as I do everyday Monday through Friday as I always do and I knew something was wrong. By 1100 I was at Urgent Care, then at the Emergency Room and had 6 complex partial seizures in the time frame I was in both. Four with my head and shoulders shaking and 2 with my right arm. Memory loss was, is, and probably will continue to be an issue. That day, I was having conversations with my pastor, and I couldn't remember them at all. I was in the ER for nine hours.

Symptoms:

• Memory Loss
• Irritability
• Drowsiness (sleeping 12 to 13 hours a day)
• Daily Migraines

They gave me 250 mg tablets of Keppra (2X/DAY). The Keppra had me all discombobulated all the time and all I did was sleep. It was hard to function and think. I was emotional and cranky all the time. I met with my doctor who referred me to a neuro who has me on Topamax now 25 mg at night (1 tablet for 2 wks/2 for 2 wks/3 for 2 wks/4 for 2 wks) until I meet her again on December 6th while still taking Keppra.

Symptoms:

• Memory Loss
• Daily Migraines
• Sharp Pain (NOT HEADACHES) in head
• Still having seizures
• Itchiness in face and nasal area
• White spots in eyes
• Hazy aura
• Runny nose
• Irritability
• No filter (will say what's on my mind without remorse)
• Constantly thirsty
• Numbness in limbs (right hand) especially
• Sleeping (13 to 14 hours) almost daily
• Lack of energy

I want to say this as well... I am a Christian. I love God and I do in fact believe Jesus is my Saviour and I sing (in the church choir :-) ) His praises on the football field and will on the basketball court ( I coach basketball too). I even have three crosses on my helmet (bonus points if any of you know why). It is NOT about pity for me or why God would do this to me. I ask how, can I find a way to make this for His glory. There is a story of a boy who has seizures in the Bible actually...

Matthew 17:14-20 (The Message)


At the bottom of the mountain, they were met by a crowd of waiting people. As they approached, a man came out of the crowd and fell to his knees begging, "Master, have mercy on my son. He goes out of his mind and suffers terribly, falling into seizures. Frequently he is pitched into the fire, other times into the river. I brought him to your disciples, but they could do nothing for him."


17-18Jesus said, "What a generation! No sense of God! No focus to your lives! How many times do I have to go over these things? How much longer do I have to put up with this? Bring the boy here." He ordered the afflicting demon out—and it was out, gone. From that moment on the boy was well.

19When the disciples had Jesus off to themselves, they asked, "Why couldn't we throw it out?"

20"Because you're not yet taking God seriously," said Jesus. "The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle."


See, Paul from the Bible still had an affliction that couldn't be gotten rid of because God's grace... was sufficient. Some say it was epilepsy, others say it was a speech impediment, migraines, some physical impediment... whatever the case... it was noticable. I know that. His grace... IS sufficient. Regardless of my wants (to be rid of this affliction) HIS will is not mine.. but His grace is good enough for me. Paul, just couldn't take it... I do know that..... and he had a hard time. Things haven't changed... I know that some may not believe that. Some may be angry that I would say this with all the diseases in the world such as autism, Lou Gehrig's disease, Crohn's disease and I would say such a thing. I can understand that this is a hard thing to hear but for me, there truly is nothing I cannot tackle with Jesus at my side, the Holy Spirit in my heart, and God in my life.


For the next year, I will be training... not for the military, not for football, not for anything else but to enjoy my life and for those on a support website (http://www.epilepsy.com/) for people with epilespy who said "I have epilespsy, and my life is not worth living" and the other who said "I have epilespy or should I say no to life". To be honest, I can't either... but by HIS grace, I will fight and claw to get BACK on the football field in 2011 and smash it up again. Impossible you say? Of course... some would... In 2005 they said the same thing. In 2010, I was named Defensive Co-Captain for my hard work and dedication to the game. Why you might ask? God's grace of course. It was sufficient then and it is now. Whether I get healed or not. I'll go so far to say, if it is in God's way to take me from this world by way of a brain tumor (which is an option too) then so be it... but I will continue to workout (under a neurologist's and my doctors' supervision of course).


I will say this... MY decision to step back onto the field is not advisible to everyone...in fact, probably not even me... but how can I use this for His glory... it's ALL His glory... always will be.



I will attempt to blog everydayabout my workouts, my feelings, my seizures, my doctors appointments, everything. Nothing will be off limits. Ask any questions and I will try to answer them all. Hope I can even bring some to know Christ.... daniel.ducksworth@live.com
Email me whenever.

God Bless,

Danny Ducksworth

F.B.I. (Firm Believer In Christ)
LPW Webmaster/PR
2010 Junior Pee Wee Head Coach
2010 Leominster Rec League Basketball Head Coach
2010 Leominster Razorbacks Defensive Co-Captain