The Many Wrongs Of Daniel Ducksworth

I’m on the cusp of turning 38. Every year I always try to think positively about things to come or find some shining light of things that have happened in the past year. Fact is, 37 was one of the most horrific years I can think of. All I can think is that in order for a diamond to be created, there must be pressure. The only way to know sickness is to feel discomfort. Be thankful for the fever. Thankful for the nausea. It will tell you everything you need to know about your illness. I guess right now is the time to look back on all the wrongs I’ve done in order to really examine what I need to do to grow the latter half of my life. Some people say 40 is the one that really gets you. I guess 38 is what’s hitting me. I’m all in my feelings about it. So I guess it’s time to examine myself and everything about me.

 I don't talk to ANY of my siblings. I mean ANY. My FOUR half sisters THREE half brothers... NONE. It's my personal reasons. Two half sisters and 3 half brothers are my fathers and two half sisters are my mothers... I just don't care. I cut off like God said He separates the wheat from the chaff. Do wrong by me and it's a wrap. No explanation. I cannot go backward only forward. There is no correction.

Me and my siblings on my mothers side. Josette (l right) Carmen (u left)

You can’t go back. No matter how much you want to. That’s my problem. “I wish I could do it over.” “Man, if I had only done it differently.” I’m just too angry about so many things I wish I could change. Deep down I know it’s impractical to think that but it keeps me going. How crazy is that? I want to let all of it go, but it seems so possible. Almost like I can wish it into existence. I can remember times when I thought I had a career. I can remember I felt like I had promise. Now I’m just a rundown, damn near sour, middle aged man who abandoned his dreams so that he can be a practical person and slowly melt away. That’s what I’ve turned into. I wanted to be a cop til I aged out. Scored a 96 on the MSP exam when I was 26. Didn’t make the academy cause more people scored higher. I used to be a DJ for a good company over 12 years ago. It was a fun gig. I wanted to go into business for myself but time just got away from me. Time always gets away from you. It’s what old people pay to try and get back, what middle aged people wish to have more of, and what all millennials take for granted. There were so many things I had the time to do when I was younger but I just thought I had time. How many of us always think “I can do it later. I have time.?” Well, fact is… hours turn to weeks, then weeks to months, then next thing you know…. Years have gone by. So I enlisted back in 1996 and went to basic the summer between junior and senior year. Senior year I was the junior recruiter for Lunenburg

Junior Recruiter at LHS 

High. I loved the Army and I did love what it gave me. I was supposed to ship out for Aberdeen Proving Grounds in July of 1997. My dad and I got into a verbal fight and I punched a plate glass window and I mutilated my right hand. In the end I had 77 internal and external stitches and 6 hours of reconstructive surgery. I almost had gangrene set in and they were just going to cut it off. The Army delayed my ship out date for 6 months for physical therapy. I started getting migraines and went to see my neurologist that I had for a long time. He knew I had seizures. I hadn’t had one since I was 13. He asked about my ship out date. I told him. He said ‘Do you really think the Army is a good place for you?’ I said ‘Absolutely.’ He said ‘I don’t think it is.’ Next thing you know at drill a week before shipping out, my 1^st Lieutenant calls me in his office and just like that… I’m discharged. Medical. The damn doctor got my unit and sent a letter. Done.

       I’ve always ALWAYS been absolutely horrible at relationships. I’m just the type of guy that doesn’t give in to anything. It’s not my build. When I was a teenager I was sappy. I was that teenager that always bought roses for my girl. Oh not just the Cumberland Farms ones. OH NO. I mean long stem, blood red, blooming, $40 a dozen roses. I bought them so frequently from this guy that grew them on North Main in Leominster we were on a first name basis. I got burned a lot by girls. I mean brutalized. I always saw the best in them, but they saw the sucker in me. I was like that puppy you could kick and would come running back cause it doesn’t know any better. That was me. One time I remember I was working at Jeans West in the mall and some chick and her friend came up to me and asked me to borrow 70 bucks and she said she’d come back once her dad came to the mall. She had to go get something right then. My dumbass gave her the 70 bucks. I never saw it back. You could just see the gullibility on my face. It was always there. When I turned 17, I withdrew from the world. With that I decided I no longer wanted to be the ‘nice guy’. I enlisted in the Army and went to basic. I came back leaner and stronger. Started messing around with girls (and by girls I do mean multiple) and had no regrets. I’ve explained before about my eldest son Anthony and his mother. He was born in August of 1997 and died three days later. I had a girlfriend at the time he was born and was messing around with another. I wasn’t even with the mother. Keeping up? The mother knew I was with another girl. We were going to be cordial but our son was a preemie. I was devastated. I became reckless and me and the girlfriend broke up after she found out about the side chick. That’s just one example. There’s too damn many to count. I am not good at this relationship set at all. My life has too many condemned sites of lives I’ve ruined. I look back and I see so many women that I’ve hurt now that I’m older. I wish I could go back and just apologize. Neither of us deserved that bullshit. Neither of us. We should have just been adults and left. There really was no love there. It was just a convenience thing. No, some of them probably did truly love me. Some of them probably just wanted to watch my world burn. Either way, I still wish I could apologize to each of them. I do wish a good majority of them happiness. That’s still a part of growing up right?

 

Me and my biological mother

I was a super privileged asshole of a kid. Very privileged ASSHOLE of a kid. My grandparents raised me. They tried to raise me right. They really did. I took everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) for granted. They bought me pretty much everything I wanted (as they could afford anyway) and I just wanted more. I had external issues with my biological father and my biological mother, but my grandparents tried. They really did. All I did was give them grief. When I became aware of girls… HOLY SHIT! When I discovered sex…. HOLY DOUBLE SHIT! I

My grandparents

couldn’t have been any more disrespectful. Years of yelling, fighting, swearing, disrespecting my grandparents house… all for women. Well, girls really. My grandfather usually laughed at it all. He didn’t really care too much. It bothered my grandmother. I should have stopped it way early. I didn’t though. I definitely should have.

I tried to end my life WAY too many times as a teen. WAY too many. I was an emotional bitch. Over girls, over feelings, over the dumbest shit possible. I was a loner. I had no friends that understood that I was hurting and had nothing in my life to fulfill the pain I was feeling. I actually hung myself once and oddly enough the bedsheet ripped cause I was too fat. The knot was secure and it just ripped. I was 12. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Sometimes I’ve just wanted to watch my world burn. There were times in my life where everything was great. I’ve had a good and solid relationship. Or a good job. Hell, even just an all-around good day. Here I come in and have to smash it to hell knowing I’m about to say or do something to ruin it. Why? Because I want to see it crash rather than wait for the other shoe to drop… because I know it will eventually. Just for one fleeting moment of lust or a momentary funny quip for me at another’s expense… it all ends. Those moments have changed the course of the day… or the course of my life. Either way, it knocked the course into dangerous waters.

I am a bull in a China shop with everything in my life. I am an epileptic that has seizures due to stress, I have sleep apnea, and a mild case of asthma. Yet, I played 13 years of football off and on, I’ve worked 3 years having a full AND part time job along with volunteering with Rec League basketball from November to March and being involved in football from May til October, and when that’s not going on being very domesticated with cooking, cleaning, etc. My kids complain they only really see me to coach, friends complain they never see me, my family says they don’t see me at all except for holidays (which is pretty much true). How do I cope with it all? I drink. Like I’m in college. Legit. I’m ALWAYS stressed.

Coach Duck @ Rec

Dan @ work

Duck @ Roadhouse

Rev on the field

I’m a selfish prick when it comes to some things. Yes, it’s true. I am all about giving back but damn can I be selfish sometimes. Sometimes I just want what I want. I think I deserve it every once in a while. I work two jobs, volunteer, etc. I should have the right to be a bit stand offish when I don’t get things I want sometimes. Other times though, I will act like a two year old if I’m pissed about it. I will stand up for what I believe I deserve and nothing can change that. Of course, most people can’t have a conversation about ‘possessions’ or ‘equality’ without yelling but I like to think I can. I find that I like MY space or MY area rather than other peoples. It just suits me better. It keeps me honest and away from trouble. I can honestly say I don’t trust myself when I’m outside of my element.

Since my dog died I have been in limbo. Mocha was literally my roll dog. She died on 9/11. Can you imagine sitting in a car calling people for 3 hours trying to raise 6k on a moment’s notice to save your best friend because her organs are potentially shutting down? Me neither… til that day. I ended up putting her down. Hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Having no comfort, no real ‘emotional’ rest, no

reliable companion to relate to is a struggle so I numb myself in a way. Now I don’t have the ‘cravings’ I did in my younger days. Not at all. I just 
drink to enjoy my nights, I get up and get to work and go through my days. The guy that always has a smile and a handshake waiting for you with an encouraging word? That’s me. When he goes home… he sits alone and has his thoughts racing full of ways to deal with his roller coaster of a life. Tomorrow he’ll put that mask on and make damn sure he’ll be ready to lift you up if you need it.

          I remember when I became a father. It was an ‘accident’. Total accident. Lindsey wasn’t supposed to get pregnant. Me and my ex were broken up and kind of off and on. Hell, I thought I couldn’t get anyone pregnant for that matter. It was after five times she finally got pregnant. Her mother called me at my job to tell me and I swore she was kidding. I didn’t even know Lindsey’s middle name. Lindsey was my best friend at the times’ ex fiancée. They had broken up a little over a year before that. We had just kind of migrated towards each other. He had cheated on her and we just became friends and that was it for a year and then it just happened. I went to pick herup after work and told her I didn’t want to be a father because I potentially could be working things out with my ex. She honestly and purely gave me an out. She really did. She told me I could leave her alone with a kid at 19. Scared and alone she would allow me to leave with no financial responsibility to her or this child. At this point, I could be EXACTLY like my father or I could stay. Remember, if you’ve read this blog before 3 years earlier my other son Anthony had died and I grieved him and I could have just walked away from this child? I told her (and I still remember the words I spoke to this day) “Well Lindsey, it looks like I’m gonna be a father”. That night, we swore no matter who or what came along her and I would ALWAYS do what was right for that child. It would NEVER suffer what we did. She, from a broken home. I, from one that never existed. We would always cover each others’ six. Our child would depend on it. Eventually we had another child. The same exact thing happened… same damn scenario. This time with a twist…. I asked her to move out ONE MONTH PREGNANT. Yes, I did that. Another wrong. All we did was fight leading up to that. I will always feel like shit for that. I got her pregnant a few times besides that and I bullied her into getting abortions. I was a straight asshole. Not only that.... I didn't even go with her. She had to bear that burden alone. I did put her through hell in the beginning with Da’lin. I drank A LOT. I mean A LOT. She worked and I watched Da’lin. He was a year old. We lived in a cramped studio apartment. She worked 8 – 4:30. I’d wake up at about 5 AM and start my daily diet of straight Jose Cuervo. She’d be off to work and I’d polish my first fifth off by noon, then I’d call her to bring my second. If she said no we’d have a problem when she got home. I usually was passed out by 8 or 9. Ran that diet for about 3 or 4 months. Came down to me putting her against the door ONCE and she said “It’s your family or the bottle Dan. Choose.” So I put down the bottle. Didn’t touch it for half a year. She then told me I could go have a few with one of my friends that invited me out. Back then, I craved alcohol like water. The smell, the taste, the feeling, the rush and mental impairment that came with it was something that I just needed. One time I even took Da’lin’s birthday money to buy a bottle we were so poor. THAT is a problem right there folks. THAT. RIGHT. THERE.

So about my son… Da’lin. I push him. All the time. He’s my son and I love him with everything I am. I feel like I should be more and have him see me as Superman because I never had that. I had a father that I saw get shot in the neck in my driveway at 6, behind bars about 10 or 11 times by 9 or 10, and we had a fist fight by 19 and he was on the lam by 20. See, I dedicated my life to showing him strength in the Ducksworth name. Trying to teach him that our name is our brand. But…. when this all started I was a young father I can remember a time when Lindsey left me alone with Da’lin and he was about 6 or 7 months I guess. I was at a friend’s house and her and our friend went out. He just wouldn’t stop crying. I mean screaming. Screaming like someone was stabbing him. I got mad, screamed at him and I tossed him at least 20 feet and he landed on our friends bed. It was a attic room. He just kept screaming. I was shaking cause I was scared I hurt him. When Lindsey got back I told her what I did and she assured me that he was okay but I was just mad at myself because I lost control. Since that time, I’ve never lost control with my son or my daughter for that matter. I do push my son to the limit sometimes. Okay well a lot. The reason for that is he is far smarter than I was in the books. Not street smart anyway. This world will eat him alive if he doesn’t get hip quickly. There are too many racial divides. WAY too many. It’s unfortunate, but fact. It’s something he needs to adjust to. This world isn’t about participation trophies and gold stars. It’s a cold place and you have to fight for what you want. The way it is now it’s gonna get worse. Da'lin doesn't know how hard his dad fights to show him the right path. I kind of think he takes it for granted as most kids do.

The man that shaped me

The hardest…. I mean the HARDEST thing to admit. I would like to say I’m so so sorry to my dad that I chose to go to the gym rather than sit with you that last time. I was so focused on competing that I didn’t see that you were dying. If you had just told me. I wish you did. What you all don’t probably know if you haven’t followed this blog is my dad died of complications from diabetes. I was on my way CRUISING for a good finish for my first Strongman competition. I was in the gym 5 or 6 times a week. The last time I saw my dad I was on my way to the gym. The house is on the way to Global in Fitchburg. He was sitting in his car in the driveway. He was just in there waiting. I stopped and asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to get bread but he had no keys in the ignition nor on him. I told him I’d take

 

The Very Last Picture

him but he said no. He said he couldn’t decide if he wanted to go to Shaw’s or Market Basket but he knew Market Basket was closed. Only problem was… it was 6 in the evening. Market Basket don’t close til 9. I told him okay and I’d see him later I had to get to the gym. I hopped in my car drove off and the last time I saw him alive was in my rearview standing in the driveway staring down the road. Come to find out as he lay in ICU taking his last breaths my grandmother tells me the day before I saw him he told her he barely could see, he hid his keys on himself and hid his phone because he didn’t want to answer calls anymore cause people would want him to look at their cars. He knew it was the end. He didn’t have the heart to tell me. I wish he had. I wake every morning feeling guilty about it.

So here it is now 1920 on the eve before my 38^th. I dread the minutes to the countdown. If each life is a season, this is the end of summer on mine if we go by the average life span. If I have wronged those unjustly, I am truly sorry.  For those that actually did deserve it… then there will be more karma for that ass from more that you will hurt I’m sure. You give what you get. I sit here a salty, bitter, middle aged man who has lost damn near everything… but you know what? I’ve done so very much wrong. Yet, I’m here attempting to make things right and that has to count for something. For everything I've done wrong, I will have to answer for once this life is done. I may burn in Hell for the things I did. The choices I made in the past. I can accept that. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I should have made better decisions. My midlife crisis I guess hit me at 38. This 38th year will be full of challenges. They will be welcomed. However, I promise Dad.... I won't let it ruin me. I will fight for the underdogs. I will fight for my children, I will fight for the Ducksworth name, I will make damn sure I am alive at the end, and most certainly that I am smiling in 2018 in spite of my enemies. I miss you. This year Dad is all for you. All of it.

What Is Your Mission Statement??

I think when you hit a certain age you have to start thinking in chunks. You’ve got to start looking at your family life, your career, your personal goals, your hobbies, etc. I realize at this moment that each person needs one thing to keep them on track. Once they get a clear head it actually just might keep them focused on the tasks ahead no matter what the ‘chunk’ is and whether it is a ‘fight or flight’ situation.

Every successful company, group, or entity has one thing in common… a mission statement. A mission statement is usually a few sentinces that comprises what the group or entity is about. It’s what they stand for. It’s what they intend to achieve every moment of every single day. It’s basically their motivation.

Walmart’s driving motivation is… (Number 1 on the Fortune 500)

"The secret of successful retailing is to give your customers what they want. And really, if you think about it from your point of view as a customer, you want everything: a wide assortment of good-quality merchandise; the lowest possible prices; guaranteed satisfaction with what you buy; friendly, knowledgeable service; convenient hours; free parking; a pleasant shopping experience."

- Sam Walton (1918-1992)

ExxonMobil’s Mission Statement is… (Number 3 on the Fortune 500)

So, what I think I’m trying to say is… what is YOUR point for waking up everyday? What are you trying to accomplish daily? What is it that you are trying to convey to the world at large so that they know that YOU as an individual are here? What is YOUR calling card as a paragraph? Your mission statement is what motivates you from the moment you get out of bed every single morning til the time you lay your head down. It’s not about your children or significant others either. I mean inside what makes you tick. At your funeral, what will those that are standing to speak about you at your eulogy say about you say? Did you successfully complete and deliver your mission every day?

The one thing about your mission statement is every day and a work in progress. It never ends. When you get married you will have a mission statement even…

(Groom) I,________________ take thee _________________, to be my wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you forevermore.

(Bride) I,___________________ take thee ________________ to be my husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you forevermore

 Simple and elegant.

I look at myself right now and I think… ‘I need a mission statement’.

The reason why people should have one is because it actually is what you are willing to stand for. Your mission statement should be about you and what you believe in. The line that you are not willing to cross in your everyday life… and shouldn’t. That’s how important a mission statement is. Every successful company has one so every successful person should have one.

When you have one, it is your bottom line and it is something you will not bend or break. Stand your ground and don’t give in. Follow your mission statement. If it goes against it, then say no and walk away. It’s just that simple. You ask what defines me? Seizures, Fat Daddy dying, strongman training, family, you get to know me…. I am eternal…. Even when I’m gone the countless student athletes I’ve coached will remember Coach Duck. I will live… even though I’ve died. My mission statement is written before I’ve even put pen to paper. It’s a living testament. My body of work speaks for itself. I’ve served my community for over ten years in volunteering with coaching children. I’ve served my fellow man and woman for my whole life. When I leave this mortal coil, the world will know that I served.

My mission statement:

To serve my fellow man and woman to the best of my abilities and never leave one behind and with less than I have. To let each one know they are loved and cared for each and everyday no matter the circumstances. I will follow through with making sure I fight for the common good and never let the negativity win in the world around me and I will use the gifts that I have to ensure that everyone can find love, prosperity, and happiness within and without. Should none of these be available I will rain down vengeance upon those that would seek to upset the balance of those aforementioned with reckless abandon without prejudice and forethought in order to restore peace within the natural order in order to restore prosperity and balance. Amen.

As always... comments are welcome.

                                     

                                 

What You Think It Is... It Ain't

Well, It’s been a few since I’ve written in this blog. So the title of this is ‘What You Think It Is… It Ain’t’. There are so many things that people think ‘are’, they really ‘aren’t’. I have had so much personal growth in these past few months and it is so surprising to me the amount of ‘enlightenment’ I have had. I’ll discuss.

Friends and Folly

In life, we all are certain that we have friends that care and love us unconditionally and will do anything to help us. I ask you to examine your crew. Look at who you keep around you. The people you trust with your life and goals. If they aren't getting you closer to your goals and where you want to be, then you should cut bait. After ‘but’ comes BS. Simple as that. People constantly come with excuses. The world is FILLED with these ideas that just aren’t true.

·         “I have time” – Not true cause you never know when your number will be called.

·         “I’ll get to it later” – Defeinitely not true cause you’ll forget and let’s be honest, life happens.

·         “I can’t do this because of …” – Whatever the reason is, yes… you’re right.

·         “If I do this…, then they need to…” – NO ONE needs to do a damn thing because you are doing something. That shit is on you. Take ownership of your life. Only you win or lose in the game. You live it, you’ll lose it. That simple.

I’ve realized lip service happens around me WAY too much. People say shit just to hear themselves. Damn people can’t keep shit real anymore. Everyone wants to be a king/queen but don’t no one wanna put in the work. Everyone wants to talk a good ass game but no one wanna get in the trenches. Everyone wants shit for free. People wanna Trump shit. (See what I did there?) See, Donald Trump is acting like immigrants and minorities are freeloaders, but this cat ain’t worked a day in his damn life. He inherited his money. A silver spooner. When you start the game of Monopoly with half the bank and 25% of the property, I’m looking at you crazy when people call you successful. ANYWAY, back to the point at hand. People shake my hand, call me a friend or whatever but last time I checked I get no calls for a chill session. I don’t get a call to say ‘Hey let’s go for a drink.’. Maybe even a check in would be nice. Hell a comment under a damn post once in a while. Yet, we’re friends. However, I know other people have their ear, they chill on the regular with cats and I’m looking at them sideways. Secretly, I know what it is… a business arrangement. I get something from them, they get something from me. Cool. Not a big deal, but let’s call it like it is. I do have some friends that look out for me and do try to chill and shit and I honestly am too busy sometimes but overall, there's too few of them and more of the other. Well, that’s that.

Can we all just be honest??

So, I’m not even going political here, but can we just be honest with ourselves? There are QUITE a few hostiles on Facebook nowadays but you see these cats in the street and they get quiet. Reckless on Facebook and recluse in real life. Talking about no judgement and peaceful on Facebook but do nothing but talk shit and talk shit about EVERYONE and everything in the real world. Come on. The problem with all this is there is no accountability. No one wants to own their words or actions. I almost got fired from my job for something I posted in regards to my job a few months ago and I owned that shit. I said ‘Yup, I sure did post it and I said it.’ That’s that. What kind of man would I be if I renigged on that? I mean what I say. People just get reckless and say shit all the time and use hidden meanings then turn around and blame other people for taking it wrong. Bottom line, I have more respect for a KKK member than a Trump supporter for the most part. A KKK member at least (while wearing a white hood anyway) says what they mean, while a Trump supporter is following a blind, xenophobic, draft dodging, 6^th grader that is hiding under a veil of lies and deceit and promoting more violence than the Hunger Games. The reason why the world is so fucked is NOT due to global warming. It’s NOT due to wars. No. It’s due to people having a strong mastery of feigning stupidity. We all know EXACTLY what Trump is saying (for example) but some act like they don’t know. If we all were just straight up with each other and took constructive criticism like adults we could live. For example, someone that’s been jobless for FAR too long could go to the welfare office to reapply and be turned down and the case worker could say ‘Okay Mr. Smith. This has been long enough. Let’s look at your resume and see what is going on and why you can’t get a job. There’s quite a few places hiring within walking distance of your place of residence so we need to find you something.’ In that statement, there is compassion, ownership, yet giving responsibility back to the recipient. That’s rare in our society. People don’t have it anymore. They’re all like ‘IT’S MINE!!!! I WANT MINE!!!!’ Too bad pennies are going to those below you and quarters of your dollar are going to those above you. If you’re greedy just say so. It’s not about immigrants or poor people, you’re just selfish… and it’s okay to be. Just admit you’re selfish. That’s all.

It's not personal… Wait, yeah it is…

What’s right for you is. What isn’t… just isn’t. Fitting square pegs into round holes isn’t going to work. Trying to fix a fucked up relationship (friendship or otherwise) is like common core math. It can work, doesn’t mean it’ll make sense even if you do manage to find a right answer. Things are so complicated in life so why continue to keep them that way? Be armed with the knowledge of self if you’re gonna take on the endeavor of repairing ANY interpersonal relationship. Any interaction you have with people, you’re gonna have to know your own likes and dislikes, your triggers and such, when you’ll need to step back and when you’re okay to pursue. These things are paramount to your own sanity. It’s all just a mess and you need clarity. Period.



That Facebook thing



Listen, I get it. I get it. Facebook is EVERYTHING. We connect, we share everything there. Hell, I must post at LEAST 5 or 6 things a day on there... but putting all your business out there just ain't a good look. All the bad shit in your life on there lets people know you're a fuck up, all the vacations you take lets the bad people know you ain't ever home, all the tagged relationships let's your friends know you a hoe. LOL! Listen, move in silence. I post a TON of my shit for inspiration. I know I gotta chill and fall back some. I know that. I want to inspire someone to do big things. That's why I do what I do. My selfie game is whack and the graphic tee game is strong but everything else has its place. We all have our flaws, but please... don't give your haters ammo. ESPECIALLY those keyboard commandos on Facebook.

Well, this is it for now and as always… share, comment, whatever… I’ll leave you with this…

"The time to worry is before you place the bet. Once the dice are thrown there’s nothing you can do about it." – Bill Parcells

An Open Letter To My Dad

So I guess since it’s the week of Christmas, I’ll write this post. It’s for my Dad. I used to write a lot as a teenager so I’ll just write this open letter to him. Maybe it will help someone struggling with depression, mourning, or well life in general.

Dad,

It’s been about a year and a half since you left us. Since then, I did that strongman competition that I was training for when I saw you last. I came in last, but I didn’t quit. I did the whole competition just like I said I would. I’m still working part-time as well and the hours are long, but I still keep change in my pocket like you always said to. I don’t work at the same place though, I work at Texas Roadhouse now. They make steaks and ribs. A lot of times when I make the ribs, I think of you when I’m putting diamonds on them and I can hear you telling me they are ‘sweetest things you ever wanna see’. Everyone there is great. My manager is a great guy that understands how to treat people as well as his employees. He runs the restaurant exactly how I would if I were still in management. That’s why I stay there. He looks out for me and how I could get run down. He checks in with me to see if I’m good from time to time. Wish you could have met Joe. He’s a great person and an even better boss.

I went back to playing football too! I did exactly what we talked about. I played for a team that played the Sabercats. We split the series. Not to toot my own horn but Dad, I did great. I really did. I played my heart out. I ran hard, tackled hard, and cried hard. The coaches, the team, the owners all care about each other. It was such a welcoming atmosphere that I’m going back for another year.

The kids are doing so great. Da’lin is in high school now! Can you believe it?!?!?! He turned his grades around and is taking THREE honors classes!!  He’s come into his own Dad. He is a great personality mix of you and me. He has my sense of style and your tact. He says whatever hits his mind (like you did) and he doesn’t even realize that it’s exactly like you. He’s on his way to being a responsible, caring, and reliable young man that knows family comes first. I’m proud to call him my son. I tell him I love him every time we talk. Side note, I know you never said it to me, but I know you did. Miri is big into dancing and acting now. We signed her up for hip hop classes about a year ago and Dad, I have to say… she is so good at it. You’d have come to her show last year. She did awesome. She loves it so much. Remember when I played sax in the beginning? How my eyes lit up when I’d start playing? Miri is just like that dancing. She is just amazing. They don’t talk about you much at least not to me, but maybe to Lindsey. Da’lin will be driving in just over a year!! I wish you were here so you could see him driving. You’d be so shocked to see it. I know you would. They are getting so big Dad. Really. Also, I hope you met Anthony up there. He would be 18 now. As I told you on your deathbed, he's my oldest and he passed at 3 days old. Mom doesn't even know I don't think.

I finally got a Cadillac too! A 2003 Deville. Your cane and hat are in the back seat. It reminds me of the last time I saw you every time I look there. I know you must laugh every time you see me get in it.

It’s hard for me to say this, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about joining you. Life is so hard without you and I carry a smile with a kind word for everyone I see, but you are my best friend and knowing I can’t see you is the hardest thing in my life. I’ve spent the past year and a half resenting… let me rephrase LOATHING myself because you’re not here. I didn’t go to see you in the hospital before you were put on life support because I was too weak. My heart couldn’t take seeing you like that. I look at your picture everyday at work and I think about all our fights we had, the things I said in life… and I’m sorry. I wish I could take them back but I can’t. All I can do is tell everyone I know to make amends as much as possible with those that matter. So Dad, I have to leave you with this…

The last day I saw you, I went to the gym to train and left you. You were in my rearview. The last image I have of you alive is in my rearview. I haven’t trained seriously since. I hate myself for choosing training over you and spending time with you. This year, I have to let it go. For Christmas, I’m letting resentment go and picking up the weights. I’m letting go of anger and picking up faith. Faith that I can do what I originally set out to do. We had many fights when I was growing up. That is true. We had a friendship filled with love and laughs the past decades and I will cherish those. I know you’d want me to get over it. To do everything I can to be a better father, friend, and person. I’ll be 37 in a little over a month. I’ve let my life go for long enough. I can carry you in my heart, but the regret has to go. Starting tomorrow Dad, I'm going to start training again. I want to compete again. I'm meeting great people that are into the same sport of strongman and I am feeling the itch. I feel better knowing them. I feel like you may have had a small part in meeting Lindsay, Aaron, Dave, and of course... you met Nick. I have to get back to the positive. Reckless abandon Dad. The negative has to go. Negative people, negative thoughts. I hope that you'll remind me to get rid of the negativity and things that are bad for me at every turn. We had a great run Dad. A GREAT run. I’m going to live my life to the fullest and be the father that you taught me to be. I’ll keep some change in my pocket, keep my kids laughing, keep my family first, speak my mind regardless if people want to hear it or not, and put in my 8 then go home. Until then… I’m just a work in progress. I want to show you the last picture I took of us.

I love you Dad,

Danny

As always… comment, share, whatever.

Laying Down And Bleeding Out...

That Lucky Old Sun kinda describes my mood right now...

The world we live in is in a state of disarray. It would seem that even as I type this there are people blaming others for mistakes being made. It saddens me to no end. I look at my life as a whole and I start to question ‘What is the point?? What is the point of doing good and living life in service of others if people just won’t see the good in themselves or in others?’ I look at the world around me and I see people doing things just for the sake of doing them. Automated responses of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘Thank you’ but no real heartfelt moments are shared. Too many times, people actually believe that they are looking out for each other and celebrating each others successes, but in reality they are celebrating their ‘squads’ successes. It’s not real if you can’t even celebrate your enemies successes. Want to know the mark of a real soldier? When s/he wants to fight the best. That’s a real soldier right there. It ain’t real when you talk about uplifting people then shitting on everyone that don’t fit your design. It don’t work. Simple as that. It’s an illusion. You’re fooling yourself.

I think in some ways I have been fooling myself for a while. Everyday I wake up and I see my life like this…

 

I’m sinking in quicksand. Nowhere to run, nowhere to turn. Some days it takes everything inside of me to get up, Other days I can do it. I always tell myself ‘Suck it up buttercup, you’ve been through worse. Others have it a whole ton worse that you so get up and get going.!!’ I get in the shower and I think ‘Maybe I should just go back to bed. Fuck this day and everyone in it. I haven’t even left the house yet but these ungrateful fucks are gonna ruin me and everything I’m working for so why bother?’ Talking to people feels like talking to brick walls. Like Bill Belichick says ‘After ‘but’ comes B.S.’ all the damn excuses roll in when there’s reasons why. I don’t have all the answers but I do happen to know my shit. When I happen to say ‘Hey, this is a bad, bad, bad idea.’ Chances are… it’s a pretty bad fucking idea. I’m usually down for anything but there’s not much more I can go for til the bough breaks.

I’m on my last leg and these days, I’m not getting any faster at fixing things. It’s one thing after another. I wish I had some do-overs in life, I honestly do. No realness, no fresh takes from people it’s the same shit. Shits getting old. It makes me just want to lock the door and pierce my eardrums. Is there anyone out there that is real anymore? Anyone that is about improvement in the world AND themselves? Stagnant water CANNOT sustain life. It just can’t. With that said, this is why our world is falling apart. Everyone is busy pointing the finger at what isn’t given and isn’t working towards helping to sustain. If you’re doing the same bullshit today that you were doing ten years ago then you ain’t about shit. You need to change shit up? You mean to say you haven’t had ANY life experiences that have made you grow as a person? You haven’t had ANY situations that made you say ‘Nope, I need to change this.’? Then you are basically dead inside. Sorry to tell you but call a coroner cause you have been dead a long time. Might as well pack the shit in. Doing nothing and complaining for change is gross negligence on your part. That’s total facts. Seriously.

Me sitting here talking about making changes after these past few posts is kind of crazy and I get that. However, I recognize my failings. I've been sputtering about going back to the gym. Want to know the reasons why?? I think it stems from my dad. Check back to Keep Some Change In Your Pocket post from last year. I miss lifting. I truly do. It was my one release I had. I found a new release with the Beavers this year and had a GREAT time.

We had one HELL of a run at the championship. I have a feeling a lot of the guys won't be back, but it's fine. Everyone has their reasons. It was an amazing time. I will say, the season was dedicated to my dad and I executed it very well. I played my heart out. The 2016 season I feel in my heart will be my very last and championship or not, I believe I'll be done.

One thing I know about myself... I'll lie down and bleed out awhile but I have a warrior's spirit. Can't help it. I'm like the phoenix,

WARNING: GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT BEFORE I GET UP

Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde

Hi there. Here I am. Been a while. I'm tired. I'm sore... and this is my therapy. When I was younger I used to write all the time. I just don't feel it much anymore. Maybe because I'm older and don't have the time to? I don't know.

So it seems I lost my determination for myself somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I am still here to support and be a voice of reason for others, but for myself I couldn't care less. I have officially thrown in the white towel. I guess I just don't care about my situation or myself. It is the strangest feeling to care so much about others and look at yourself as if you have outlasted your usefulness. I find myself not interested in anything anymore. 'Go through the motions.' is what I tell myself. I coached my 3rd/4th grade girls basketball team on Friday night and I couldn't really think about much. I just ran through the motions like everything was fine. Fact is... it's not. I'm not and I know it.

(L) Is the real life me (R) is what I show everyone else
after the morning shower and getting dressed

At one time in my life when I was just starting out as a father, I had a serious drinking problem. Lindsey (the mother of my children) and I were living in a studio apartment and I was drinking 2 handles of Cuervo a day. I'd make her come home almost daily to bring me my second bottle... or we'd have a problem. Bear in mind I never put my hands on her because of it except for the last time I touched alcohol for about 7 months. I'd have our son and I'd be sloppy drunk by 9 AM. I was the worst father ever. He was just over a year. Now I was functional and could change his diaper, feed him, and all the other things, but had no car so I couldn't drive him anywhere, we had friends downstairs as well but that is NOT an excuse. The one time Lindsey put her foot down and threatened to not let me see our son and make me leave I did push her, and I left. I stopped cold turkey for 7 months. After 7 months she trusted me to just go have a few and come back normal. I always have since then. At that time, I just loved the taste of alcohol. Tequila was like water to me. I was legit thirsty for it. I needed it to function and it was something I'd be mad as hell if I didn't have it. If it was food money or my alcohol, well they would have to go without and I'd have to have my alcohol. It was hard to stop cold turkey. I think I might need to again. Now, I'm not at that 'I crave the taste' level but I do drink nightly. I have no drive to do anything else. I don't have the desire to go to the gym like I used to. I guess you could say… life won. As of now, it has beaten me into compliance.

When I go to the gym I feel amazing, but when I leave the feeling doesn’t stay with me so I abandon it. I now have the time to but I find myself thinking about the external shit that I have to do when I’m lifting. The pressures that I’m facing everywhere else in my life. I spend my time feeling like this everyday so I wake up in the morning (usually after a night of drinking) and put on my face and ‘preach’ the POWER OF POSITIVITY to everyone else while sinking deeper into my pit of despair with a smile on my face. I do believe in it still… just not for me. This is something that just is one damn blow after another.

People around me spend way too much time being in despair and doing nothing to fix it so either I move to a cabin in the woods far away or I join them. It’s too much to be the only one fighting for what I believe in. Too much work to keep saying ‘You need to do it if you believe in it.’ And getting blank stares in return. I’m done. People half-ass life in this world and complain at the half-ass results they get and it takes a toll on you. When they say negative energy comes from company you keep? That shit is real as hell. Want to know what isn’t real though? People. Not anymore. Very few people own that shit. If you’re a dick, then own it. Racist? Cool. Own it. People disguise shit and make you scratch your head, but won’t admit it and call you out your name because you say something. This world is a cold place, and it’s only getting colder. Sadness everywhere. No room for people to care anymore. Who should and why should they? Thursday morning people are gonna be ‘thankful’ for what they have (taken from the indigenous Americans) and float right into Christmas (I’m sorry most Christians say X-Mas now out of stupidity and laziness) to celebrate a refugee born in a barn after being refused shelter. Sensible isn’t it? Our world is screwed.

Does anyone REALLY want to change? Ask yourself, if you’ve said in the past year that there were things about yourself that you didn’t like or you complained about yourself (And you CAN control it) have you done enough to change that problem or situation? If not, then YOU my friend are the problem. See, I want to get ‘strongman ready’ so my ass should be on a good diet and training regimen…. But I’m not. Is that anyone else’s fault? No. Am I going to take it out on anyone else? No. That’s on me. Too bad most in this shitty world aren’t adult enough to look in the mirror and say ‘You know what? This is on me. I need to fix this. I have to be better.’

Healthwise, I know there’s an issue but I’m going to wait until there’s a true marker. My memory is shot… again. I go to talk in front of people and sentences don’t make sense. If I get instructed to do something, sometimes five minutes later I forget what I was told. I’ll remember something differently than the way it legit happened. If I laugh too hard, I start to sweat and I get light headed with an aura like I’m gonna pass out. I used to love public speaking. I used to make sense when I talked. Now it’s usually just a bunch of jibberish. I embarrass myself most times when I talk because my brain knows what I want to say but by the time it hits my mouth something got lost in the middle… legit.

Why did I do this? Well, because as far as I’m concerned I’m not really concerned with what happens from this point on. I’m calling myself a therapist as of the completion of this post. Mentally, guess I’m at the point of a legit medical breakdown and before that actually happens I’m going to get the help I need to get this under control.

Some know parts of this, no one knows all. Now the internet will. Not many read these but I put it here because at least I’m still organized when I write.

   
As usual, comment or not. Open as hell cause... shit... there ain't much else left to say...