Love Evolves Everywhere, Everyone, Everything

Over the past few weeks I’ve had to question myself and wonder… what really is this thing called… Love? When I was sixteen I thought I knew. I would meet a girl and then “poof” LOVE! Or I’d see a video game I wanted and “poof” LOVE! I had really no clue. What is the idea behind it? Where does it stem from? The figurative heart? Or head?

As teens, we fall in “love” with our first, second, third…. Significant other and we plan ahead to be together for a long time because we don’t have the life experiences to understand that, sometimes things have an ending. If you’ve only been to a lake, you cannot comprehend the ocean can you? Nope.

I remember my first break up. I was like Denise Huxtable. Goodness. Remember that breakup? All she did was keep walking around the house singing that stupid song all the time? Everyone kept telling me ‘You’re only in like with her, not in love with her. She’s your first not your last. Trust me.’ Even her mother told me that. I didn’t believe that. Believe me, I’ve had quite a few girlfriends in between. *Insert my smiling here*

Is it that I was naïve to think that I would find someone else one day? Doubtful. I like to think I was just young. Too young.


LOVE OF MUSIC

Ever since I can remember, I have ALWAYS had this love affair with music. If it has a beat I will give it a listen. When I was five, my kindergarten class went to the middle school in Lunenburg to get an introduction to musical instruments. I heard and saw the Alto Saxophone. (INSERT PIC OF ALTO SAX) I fell in love. There was no ‘like’ here. It was love at the age of five. I even asked the kid if I could just touch his saxophone. I remember that day. HAHA! It was funny. I will never forget that day. I couldn’t even pick up a saxophone til seventh grade. Which would be seven years later, I held on to that love for all that time.

I started playing in seventh grade and I loved it, then I ‘discovered’ jazz band. Swing music. Oh… my… God. REALLY! Improv jazz! YOU’RE TELLING ME I CAN MAKE UP SOLOS WITHIN A SONG!!!! I was for sure hooked!!! One problem… I sucked. I didn’t know fingerings, keys, I couldn’t read music to save my life… I worked at it and worked at it. Every relationship needs work. This one needed a lot of it. I knew that as a seventh grader. My music teacher even said to me that I may want to try something else for a bit first until I got the hang of reading music. I was desperate to figure it out. Very desperate.

By sophomore year, I was much better after practicing my butt off and working at it. Love requires work, patience, and time to grow understanding and to be understood by others. As it did with my tonality and harmony with the band. As I said in an earlier post… anger, took my love from me. I put my hand through a window and it derailed my musical career. All that hard work… gone. I was a DJ later on in life for a bit with was a lot of fun and I loved it just as much as my “first” love. Still, the lesson is that if I had kept my cool I may have never lost my first love to begin with.

LOVE OF SELF

This is the EXACT opposite of love of others. It takes a long time for most to have this. Others make it hard to love self and they plant that seed of doubt that can leave you doubting the love you should have in your abilities or self. It is THIS love that is paramount to all others. Love for yourself should not, must not, cannot be taken away. If you love yourself no one can take your swag, confidence, whatever you want to call it and it shows. Hands down.

LOVE OF FAMILY

When I was younger, I always hated that my family was big. There were far too many people that were always in my business and wanting to be up in everything I did. No matter what I thought or felt, everyone had an opinion of what I did. The older I got, the worse it became. Either way, I love my family just the same. When it comes to loving family, sometimes you just have to let go. If they do nothing but criticize your every move and refuse to let you grow as an individual, you must move on and let things go. If you look to my past blog post about my sister who said nasty things about my daughter… it’s been about four years since we have said more than five or six words to one another. I highly doubt I will say anything more than that to her ever. Sometimes it’s best to let things fall apart than to lose it all trying to save one.

LOVE OF BEING RIGHT

This is the best one. It’s (for the most part) a necessity a point of reference to find one self at the winning end of an argument to feel accomplished at the end of the day. I for one… am not. I used to be. It takes learning and practice to un-train your mind to need that feeling. When it comes to religion, politics, self, sports, or family values most times these are hot buttons. I find myself a target of argument or ridicule. I feel strongly about all of them. Do I need to argue with everyone about them? Nope. I am always being verbally ‘pushed’ by someone about something sometime. I am usually easygoing about most things but honestly, I don’t care that much about being right. I only care about being. Simply being.

LOVE, LIVE, LEARN

Many people have variations on ‘love’. It all depends. There are circumstances on what they in fact love. Any of these can push a person to act a sertain way. Love can give way to hate. Love for someone or something can make a person hate anything that will stand in the way of that love. It’s the maturity and experience level that will make someone stand up and see what is important. Which love is important? What matters the most?

Henry Thoreau was so tired of the bougeoise way of life and the people arould him that he had to leave. He said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

Live, you must live…. Quite simply…. There is no time like now to live. I will share another quote from Bruce Lee.

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I say this, water evolves and adapts. No matter what happens it will simply be. If the temperature is too hot, the molecules dance and vapor is formed and the water escapes. If the water cools to freezing, the molecules huddle together and stop moving to become ice. Learn to be water. Never stop learning.

More importantly, NEVER EVER EVER, stop loving yourself… ever. If no one else loves you, love yourself. It’s a start.

Stop… Look… Listen…

A break from the norm is much needed. Yes, a break from your regularly scheduled daily BS and abnormal lives is needed. Newscasts…stop. Music… stop. Workouts….stop! Job searching…. stop! Arguing… stop! Conversations… stop! Everything… stop!

There is a world going on outside. A world that is destroying itself. We as a people that are destroying each other, and as I am sitting here typing a tsunami is destroying part of Japan. Libya is at war, America is STILL at war abroad and here with Republicans vs. Democrats/Westboro Baptist Church vs. EVERYONE/Christians vs. Atheists/Tea Party vs. I have no idea/ insert your cause vs. insert their cause. Why? How? What is going on? We need to stop this madness!!! The mass media can’t do anything but incite fear and pandemonium about chaos and destruction around the world. It’s time to stop!! The world is slowly shifting due to global warming or whatever (I’m not a scientist) and we are shifting towards a dualist society where one side absolutely HAS TO be right and THE OTHER side has to be wrong. Where exactly is OUR FAULT LINE? When two sides are pushing one another, a shift happens and an earthquake occurs. It is time to stop.

Tupac Shakur once said in an interview (and I’m paraphrasing loosely here) that he compared black culture and music to black people being hungry for change like they are knocking on a door for food. They know that there’s people in there eating because when people answer the door saying that they don’t have any, they see an over-abundance of it as they are having food fights and throwing it around all over the place. They are literally singing for food. They aren’t given any. As the days turn to months, they get hungrier and as they get hungrier, the singing turns to yelling and thus… more demanding.

The time has come for the world to change. We need it. The world itself is calling for it. Is anyone looking?

Why? It’s time to listen and take a cue from nature. There is a season for everything. A time to heat up, a time to cool off. We need to listen to one another. No one takes anyone else seriously. It is so important for each side to be right and “IN MY PAST I WAS TREATED AND TOLD "________________"

The now is called the present for a reason… it is a gift for you. It is not a guarantee. Two eyes to look, two ears to listen, and one mouth to talk. The reason for that is so that you will think twice before you say anything. That is the design of things.

Listen to silence. No radios, no talking, just hear what is inside of yourself. That’s your heart and soul communicating. It’s the human spirit ringing. It’s a call to arms screaming out ‘I CAN’T TAKE IT!!’ It’s time to stand together and fix this. We need each other, the world needs us. We need to end the hate. Stop the pain that we are inflicting on one another and bring ourselves peace within our own hearts and minds and then we can fix others around us. It’s like when we get on a plane and they are giving us the pre-flight instructions, they tell us to put on our oxygen masks first then check our children. It seems backwards, but do it. We need to be safe in order to check others right? If we aren’t safe, we can’t save others.

Time is of the essence… Stop, look, listen… take your life back. Then take the time to check on someone else who may need you to help them take theirs back and then we can save little by little…

Ain't No Grave

This week has been kind of strange to say the least. I’ve done a lot of thinking. It’s had me alone in a dark place. Not in a bad way. Just thinking about my whole thirty-two years on this planet and all the people I’ve met and places I’ve been. The blessings (and curses) I have endured and had.

I think back to the car accident I was in on Mill Street back in October 1997 where I flew from the car through the windshield and onto the street after hitting my head.

I think back to the death of my son, Anthony Daniel Lee Ducksworth, August 14th, 1997-August 17th, 1997.

I thought about my abuelo, Magoo that died on my son, Da’lin’s birthday seven years ago.

I think about how my mother gave me to my grandparents after three months because I wasn’t wanted. I’ve heard many stories as to how that came to be, but they are far too numerous to mention here and actually, too personal to mention.

I think about Bryan B., a friend of mine who committed suicide on Thanksgiving Eve in 1994 because he felt alone and had no one to talk to. I still have his obituary in my photo album. I look at it from time to time.

Let’s cover some of these and I’m sure I’ll hit some others.

One Day We’ll Be Together Again

Anthony Daniel Lee Ducksworth, my oldest son would be turning 14 this year. His mother and I were together for a while back when I was a senior in high school. We had a pretty good relationship, but it was shaky at times because I wanted different things than she did. We broke up after I cheated on her. She was one and a half month pregnant. I was young and stupid with no sense of morals and had no interest in a serious relationship period. All I wanted to do was to be there for this child. She and I tried to remain civil to one another throughout the pregnancy, but I met another woman. This girl was everything I wanted. My ex, was now five months along and I was leaving for a two week vacation with my new girlfriend and her family. My ex was needless to say… not happy. The vacation went well and I did call my ex during the first week to check in. However, the second week I did not. I came back August 19th and called her as soon as I got back… that’s when she proceeded to tell me that she went into premature labor and they had to take the baby. His heart was weak and he had a hole in it to boot. They would need a few weeks for his respiration to get stronger before they could operate. It was highly risky. She was alone and didn’t know what to do so she said okay. He died three days later. She tried to page me but I didn’t call her back. I was out of range. It was on me. I should have been there but wasn’t. That was the last conversation we would have for a year. On the one year anniversary of Anthony’s death, she told me he was a boy and his name… we agreed if it was a boy what his name would be. We met for lunch… well me and like six of her friends. It was awkward, but I made it through it. We would not speak for twelve long years until 2009. We are good friends now. I’ve found out some more information about Anthony. He was cremated and was taken away. She didn’t want the pictures taken or anything. She just wanted it over. I felt horrible. Fourteen years later there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. The day that he died I heard Together Again by Janet Jackson for the first time. I swear it's him talking to me even now. I can see him dancing in Heaven with his uncle. One day I'll get to throw the football with him just like I do with Da'lin. When Da'lin was four he started telling me about his brother visiting him in his room, and his name is Anthony. I never mentioned him until he asked me.


 I never saw my oldest son. Kicker of this story? My mother used to tell me and my sisters about our older brother who died because of a hole in his heart when he was a baby. What was his name? My sons’ namesake… Anthony.

Speaking of my mother, we have gotten over the whole giving me away thing so that has no bearing on my life now. It just makes me think of how it has shaped my life. I was just not a part of her plan. Not to mention, I am so grateful to my grandparents for taking me in because they didn’t have to. They could have left me to foster care but they stepped up.

Hell On Wheels

I was hell on wheels as a teen. I knew it all and said it all. At eighteen (three months before Anthony died) I got into an argument with my grandfather over of all things… where to park in the driveway. Now, bear in mind… I had my senior concert that night (I played sax and tuba). We screamed all the way to the front door. He swung and hit me in the head. I didn’t want to hit him so instead… I hit the plate glass in the door. It cost me everything. Seventy-seven stitches in my right hand and three torn tendons. I had five hours of reconstructive surgery. They wanted to cut the whole hand of because gangrene had set in on the outside of my hand because I lost so much blood so fast. I was lifeflighted to Worcester from Leominster. They did one hell of a job in fixing my hand. Pain can’t describe the surgery. Six months of rehab and an air cast. I took my finals writing with my left hand and I played the tuba left handed at graduation. To this day, the outside of my right hand is numb.

Death is NOT the only way out.

Bryan B. is someone from my childhood that I met as a fourteen year old. We were introduced by a mutual friend over the summer of ’94. He liked our mutual friend a lot. She was a pretty girl, but she was kind of flighty. She never stuck to one guy for too long. She was a year younger than us. Bryan was a really nice guy. He came from a good family and he just needed… well, I really don’t know. We hung out some with our mutual friend over the summer and through the fall. Then, our mutual friend met someone. Bryan was a little upset. That was around Halloween. Thanksgiving came and Bryan called me. He asked me to ask my parents if he could sleep over. I asked if my parents if he could sleep over and they didn’t care. They met him a few times and they thought he was a nice kid. His parents told him to wait until after Thanksgiving dinner then he could stay over. He was mad about it and we talked on the phone for about an hour and I told him not to worry about it. He was really mad for some reason. All I told him was ‘we’ll talk about it tomorrow and his family just wants to spend time with him.’ I promised to talk the next day. He told me I was his closest friend and I understood him the most. I said that was kind of strange because we only had been friends for a few months. He and I hung up. I called the next day. Brian’s mom answered the phone and that’s when I found out he took his own life sometime in the middle of the night. My first experience with death. I was the last person he apparently talked to on this earth. That was seventeen years ago. He took a lot of pills and washed it down with some alcohol and that was it. He left a note… still no idea why. At the funeral, his mom said he talked about me a lot. All I ever did was offer an ear. That was it. In the few months I knew him, I just listened.


In the days of THE SOCIAL NETWORK

In these days, I see so many posts and news articles where people post cryptic things about suicide and such.

Facebook Suicide
Facebook Bullying




When did social networking become the substitution for friendship and actual counseling? I understand therapeutic, but writing that you want to kill yourself doesn’t solve much via Facebook. Pick up the phone and call someone who can help. Friendship is valued and should be cashed in at will. A true friend will be there, as long as it’s not abused. Reach out and call a friend. Even better call your mother, I call my 73 year old grandmother! I usually don’t like what she has to say, but that old wisdom has seen quite a few things. Instead of taking it to Facebook, head to a Face…LOOK! Family has got your back. If they don’t, then that’s all good too.


One thing is certain…uncertainty

Why does everyone have to speak different languages? It makes me so mad when I’m trying to tell someone something and they swear up and down that I’m saying something different. I know what I’m trying to say. If you don’t get it, ask me to explain it differently don’t just tell me what I’m saying.

The song in the link above You Don’t Know Me by Armand Van Helden has lyrics that mean something to me:


I don't ask for nothing
I'm always holding my own
Every time I turn around, there's something
People talking 'bout what they don't know
And when I try to move on up
They're always pullin' me down
I'm tired and I've had enough
It's my life, and i'm living it now

You don't even know me (ohh, you dont know me)
You say that I'm not livin' right (you don't understand the way
that I feel)
You don't understand me (you can't even see my pain)
So why do you judge my life (oohhh you don't know)

 
No one listens anymore. Well, most don’t that I know anyways. I only know what I am. I have no idea about anyone else. We all are certain about what we can do for ourselves.



Still No Grave

I think about last October and the conversations I had with my family. Ain’t No Grave was to be played as the pallbearers carried my coffin out. That was the plan. Come to find out, there is no brain tumor. There are so many times I was supposed to not make it. I planned on the worst. That ws how it was. Everyone was nice to me and supportive... once there was no tumor and just a migraine disorder, it was back to normal... for some people. Not for me. I now know that life is too short... there is no time for crap and disorder. Make the necessary changes and do something to enjoy the sunshine. Or live in the dark. Either way, know your surroundings and learn them. Get comfortable with them. Don't get stagnant. As we all know, life can't exist in stagnant water.




Click to learn the story of The Phoenix

  I was always fascinated by the phoenix and I even had it put on my class ring. The phoenix always rose from the ashes even better than before. No matter the circumstances. I’ve been to my own personal hell, and I’m still there now in some ways. Some people keep me there, some are trying to bring me out. There is still no grave that can hold this broken body down… not yet anyways. As the phoenix, I will rise again.