Am I Crazy?

The holidays are upon us and I am honestly... losing my shit I think. Since I am an open book and there aren't many people that read this anyway, I'll share this. I actually went to my doctor cause I really thought for a bit I was going crazy. Now I'm on two different anti-depressants and still on my anti-seizure/migraine preventative meds. One of the three is a MAJOR narcotic. Yeah, I'm like that now... Never been one to believe in depression meds, but since Dad died I've been very bad off... like VERY bad off. I'm trying to hold it together though. Just an off the cuff poem about my daily life missing Dad. Enjoy.


Am I Crazy?

Each morning as I wake up and open my eyes,
I realize that another day is coming that you're not here.
My demons hop on my back as my feet hit the floor and start telling me lies,
They repeat again and again that I'm not strong enough to hold onto the ones I love so dear.
I begin my walk to the shower like it's a death march to the gallows with my eyes sunken in,
Then I turn on the hot water and turn to look in the mirror and analyze my face and I see the pain.
I can almost hear you saying to me 'Boy you look like hell and you have to find that grin.'
As I get in the shower and the hot water washes the night away it gets replaced with disdain.
I can't scrub the sorrow away hard enough so I scrub til my skin is raw,
I can't clean the gray away from my beard or the dried tears from my soul.
In these first few minutes my heart is ravaged and pulverized and I clench my jaw,
These precious few moments of each day I realize... I'm no longer whole.

The sun rose today and so did I,
The tears came early today and the pain gripped me the same.
The purest pain gripped my soul this morning and I started to cry,
But that didn't change the fact that I still have to play this game.
I still have to get through the day and pretend that it's okay,
Got things to accomplish and I still got things to do.
People still need me to be the stronger one and the better one today,
I just have to get through another day Dad without you.

I drove in the car and each time I saw that certain car you use to drive I swore it was you,
Had to actually question if it really was my mind playing some cruel trick or if it really was.
There's no real reason why I could be seeing you alive because I saw you die and I saw it true,
I saw you lying there in that coffin and I wiped my son's tears then did what I had to do.
I straightened the tie on your lifeless body and I know it wasn't the man that was in that car,
Then I told myself that it wasn't and I heard you tell me 'Boy you need you get your head right.'
Couldn't help but say out loud "Yeah, I know. I must be out of my mind to think that far.",
A single tear drop fell from my eye cause I knew I would feel worse by the night.
The radio isn't playing anything good so I put on the custom radio station I made with your name,
I know it makes no sense to torture myself like this cause all it does is make me sad and happy too.
Everyone thinks I am morbid I know it and I don't care cause it means you and I are still the same,
It just reaffirms the fact that I still can care about you and still it's okay to miss and love you.

I think to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought I heard you talk to me?'
I said to myself "Am I going crazy? I thought you were driving next to me?"
I wondered to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought you answered me?'

When I was in.... hell any random store, restaurant, insert any public place,
I could have sworn I saw you walking in and going somewhere special.
My heart damn near fell out my chest again at the thought we'd share the same space,
I looked again and again and then I realized it wasn't even you... I'm getting critical.
My heart broke again at the thought I got myself again at the life and death of you,
Then I got mad at myself for pulling that same shit on myself knowing I spoke at your wake.
I know I shook hundreds of hands and heard hundreds of 'I'm so sorry' said about you,
This shit is getting to be more than the gravity of me can take.
I walk away knowing I didn't just see you but my heart hurts so bad and now I want to call,
I'll go to the house right now and reset that last moment we had I swear I'll do it over and do it right.
I won't just drive away this time Dad, I mean it because I know I won't let you fall,
We can even sit up, watch tv, I'll get some pizza and we can talk all night.

Sometimes in the quiet I can hear the clicking of your cane,
It doesn't matter where I am at be it at your house or the place where I lay.
I stop and I listen again and it's still there then I wonder am I insane?
I don't have an answer for myself, but maybe it will go away.
Then I hear the things you used to say to me or I hear myself in your inflection or your tone,
Some nights I break down and cry like you just died all over again.
I beg for another chance as if to bargain for a switch between you and I so I don't feel alone,
I miss you every night and then every day... I miss my best friend.
Talking about you only leads to more talking about you til I feel like people get tired of it,
I hate the pain of losing you still lingering like this as if it should be okay by now.
There is so much I question within myself and so much I think is shit,
I don't know what I'm doing with all this pain... don't know how.

I think to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought I heard you talk to me?'
I said to myself "Am I going crazy? I thought you were driving next to me?"
I wondered to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought you answered me?'
I felt in my heart 'Am I going crazy? I thought I just saw you...'

The sun is setting tonight so am I,
The tears are still gripping me and the pain is still the same.
The stars are coming out to dance for the night sky,
But that didn't change the fact that I still have to play this game.
Yet again I made it through the day and pretended that it's okay,
Did some of  the things I had to accomplish and I still got more to do.
Gotta put the demons in the corner tonight to rest awhile,
I just have to get through another night Dad without you.

Keep Some Change In Your Pocket

Robert Lee Ducksworth 12Sept37 - 5Jun14

Well, my 'Dad' has crossed over. He's gone on to be with HIS Father now. It's still painful as hell for me to deal with and I am still so many things about it. As most of you know, Rob was not my real father he was my grandfather.Let me start from the beginning (as it was told to me many times over):

The bottom picture is of Dad with me

When I was about three months old, my mother had custody of me as a teenager along with two other kids all of us under the age of 5 and she herself was under the age of 20. My biological father was of no help really as he was young himself. I was the only boy and the only one of the three of us (my half-sisters and I) whose paternal family had any interaction with one of us let alone her. My 'grandparents' would come to pick me up on the weekends and keep me to give my mother a break or whatever the reason was. One particular weekend, Rob had come to get me (at about 3 months old) and my diaper had looked like I had been in it for hours or longer. I was screaming my head off and my middle sister was wearing my diapers that my grandparents had bought for me. Now, in my biological mothers defense, she was young and maybe she had the same diapers for my sister as we were only a year and a week apart. I was born early. According to my 'grandmother' I was about 3 pounds and some ounces. Yes, I was a preemie. Back to this story though, Rob asked my mother to change my diaper and as he got me in the car he decided I wasn't going back... so I didn't. Back then, you could do that type of stuff. Nowadays, there's paperwork for miles and stuff but it was just different. Rob tells it that I was just sick when I first got there. Very sick. Up all night all the time and constantly hacking and feverish. Many doctors appointments and such I eventually got better. When Mom and Dad took me in... they were 40 and 41 and raising my aunt (sister) Shirlee and my aunt (sister) Jackie was there, if my math is on my aunt (sister) Deb was probably there too. My father was probably wherever.

Life growing up there was pretty much cake (as I see it now) but as a teenager looking at it, I was a little shit. Spoiled rotten and always wanting more. Rob and I butted heads all the time when I hit my teens I was just bitter at the world. I was angry that my mother didn't 'want' me, my father and I weren't seeing eye to eye. He had five other kids with his girlfriend and he did everything with them (well, not literally but more than he did with me) and I was alone. Rob was in his mid fifties now. We used to roll in his Caddy when I was younger or his Lincoln Town Car, but those days were gone now. I was socially awkward, hitting a growth spurt and I had no males to help me out through the toughest time in my life. Rob and I had many a battle through my teenage years. Man did we fight. We argued over some dumb, dumb, DUMB shit.

I'm not going to explain in great detail all the fights we had in detail, but I'll talk about what I learned.

Dad with Da'lin

Dad with Miri

When Da'lin was born, I realized everything I thought growing up was wrong. It was my job to provide for this child. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't just walk away because it would be 'hard' and I didn't know what I was doing. My father walked away willingly. Not sure of the reasons and I didn't really care and it became irrelevant that cold January day. I became a DAD that day. I was going to shield this child that I helped to create from what I went through. I was going to love him and keep him safe. Just as Rob had done for me. I realized that everything that Rob and Skip (my grandmother/mom) had done for me was strictly their option and I would do it for this child. My love grew for them as my love for my son became bigger and bigger as I looked into his eyes for the very first time because I knew... Rob's decision to take me and bring me in as a grandson and let me call him 'Dad' was something that he did out of love. Not out of pity or out of necessity. He did it because he couldn't let someone he loved have a life that was unsatisfactory in his eyes. In those first few moments with Da'lin... I became a man at 21. From that moment on, Rob and I would talk sometimes and have conversations and laugh about life and family... until his first stroke.

I was with Verizon Wireless at the time of his first stroke and the moment I found out, I took a vacation from work for a week. I gave my boss no choice in the matter. She wasn't happy but I couldn't have cared less. I was in and out of the hospital spending time with him. When I did go back to work after that week, he had to go back in and have both carotid arteries operated on in his neck to remove two blood clots and again, I left work for a few more days. I told them 'Fire me if you want cause family is first and the needs of the business can kiss my ass.' I was back to work a few days later after some encouraging from Mom and after a few weeks, they laid me off with Circuit City closing after being assured that I was to be given a new store at the current position I was in. They tried to demote me all the way down to Retail Sales Rep from Store Supervisor (Assistant Manager) with no write ups or verbal warnings on my record. To this day, I am convinced that I was laid off because I put family first. Given the chance, I'd do it all over again.

After that stroke, Rob was having a hard time recognizing his mortality. I could see it as we talked and I knew it. He had to walk with a cane and I could tell he was mad about it. For a man that was used to being independent, now having to carry a cane (he used to call it a stick) was a bother to him. He always told me that he wasn't "going anywhere". He knew there were many things he had to do to maintain his health and he just did whatever he wanted to. I think it was more that he was just 'tired'. For someone that loved what he did and loved being able to just get up and go, it got to be too much. To watch all his friends pass away as the years came and went, to not feel 'right' as the brain slowly skips steps, and when there's moments it does go along right there you are questioning why it's happening... too much.

'The Stick' - He always lost it. I make sure I always know where it is.

He always loved laughing and saying things for shock value. No matter who was around he'd just say whatever was on his mind and he didn't care one bit what anyone thought about it whether it was true or not. None of us will never find out now...

The last time I saw him, I was on my way to the gym. I drove up to the house and he was standing in the driveway (no stick). I said "What are you doing standing in the driveway?". He told me he was thinking of going to get some bread, but he wasn't sure if he should or not. I told him I'd take him but he said he was all set. He'd probably wait til tomorrow. He asked if I was on my way to the gym and I told him I was. We talked for a minute and I was on my way... That was the last time I saw him eyes open.... Come to find out, he'd have a stroke 2 days later...

The details of the ending, are personal and private. Those that know me know them and I'm holding that. What I learned from it though I will share.

I feel like a born again Christian constantly telling people to repent. It's weird. I am always saying life is too short. If I could take back every arguement I would. Every spiteful word, every stupid moment where I thought I knew it all... I would. People have told me "Nothing you can say or do will bring them back." Well that's no shit and it definitely deserves to lose some teeth dumbass. The pain of losing a loved one that was solely responsible for making a split second decision that quite possibly saved your life, your best friend, and someone that taught you the value of a dollar, hard work, and how to always 'help people' is greater than their short time on this Earth. It's comes down to more than that. It's knowing that 'If I only knew that I would feel this much loss after you were gone'... there aren't enough I'm sorry's to go around. Seeing him in that coffin almost made me believe I could rewind time just a little bit and go back to that day I saw him last and give him a hug and say "Dad, I know what's happening to you. I love you and I know it's hard." See, come to find out, for that whole week leading up tot the stroke he hadn't been driving cause his vision was failing. He 'knew' it was coming. He had to.

For the past three years, I had kind of avoided seeing him because I knew he was 'tired' I watched him smoke cigarettes and eat all kinda of shit he wasn't supposed to and everyone had fought with him about it and he just didn't care... or did he? I was watching a slow, slow, slow withering away of a super hero... and my mental was dying with him... So, each time I'd say "Ah, I'll visit next week... I'll pop in for a minute and then head here or there...". Filled with regret.

My point in all this, is no matter what. If you treat those that loved and raised you with anything LESS than admiration and adoration then you sir/madam are a complete asshat. It may not be to your liking and it may not even fit your style, but they are your parents and the people that gave you life. To disrespect that love, that gift, that opportunity that was given to you is an abomination. I will always have my regret for how I treated my parents throughout my life. Teens will be teens but I am an adult now and I know better. No one will make me treat them as subhuman or without the respect they deserve. They gave me a chance at life when I could have been left to nothing. They provided for me a home, food, opportunities for sports, and love even when I didn't give it back. They had a responsibility to bathe you, clothe you, keep you safe as a child and now as an adult all you have to do is love them... don't be a bastard or anything like that to them... all the help you get from them once you leave home is optional... yes, optional. My parents helping me is minimal at best now that I'm 35. I fall short sometimes and they help me, but I don't expect any holiday gifts or anything... I'm grown now...

Life is too short to spend it ungrateful and dramatic. At Rob's funeral and wake, everyone said the same thing about him. He told it like it was whether you wanted to hear it or not. Even in death, Rob speaks to me... "Keep some change in your pocket and always tell people what you mean. Don't sit there and take it. Tell em what the deal is."

As I wrote to a friend who asked how I was feeling...

Each day, I get mad, fine, angry, reflective, and then finally exhausted. I cry, I laugh, I scream, and then I just stare into the windows or the walls and think about Dad. I am confused and lost at the same time. It's a process, and I respect that. I don't know where our when I'll accept him being gone but I know eventually I will. I'm grateful for feeling what I feel because it lets me know I can still feel. That is a blessing. I love him with everything I am. I'd take every teenage break up over again at that age in succession rather than what I'm feeling now.... But I do respect this process.


I love that man with all my heart. I only wish I told him more. He wasn't the "I love you" type. He wasn't the hugging type. As I typed this I realized that by making that split second decision... he said it volumes more than I could say it if I live to be 100 and say it everyday.

The Last Picture I Ever Took Of Him
Two Days Before The Moment...
He was already on Life Support

As Rob used to say "Always keep some change in your pocket",
*Side note- Be it literal change or the change you need to get ahead in life...

Robert Lee Ducksworth's Obituary

Duck

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The Path Of The Lonely Warrior

 

war·ri·or

   [wawr-ee-er, wawr-yer, wor-ee-er, wor-yer]  

noun

1.

a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier.

2.

a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics.

So I look at this point in my life and I wonder… where am I? How did I actually get here? I had many plans for myself years ago. I used to be laid back with an intense fire inside my eyes to rule the world. I had a eye for money, for seeing through bullshit, and for knowing myself. I was ALWAYS true to myself. I never let anyone make me out to be something that I wasn’t or that I didn’t want them to see. Now I let everyone and anyone as and do whatever the hell they want. It’s really irrelevant what people believe and say about you. People will talk about you no matter what. Hell, people will look you dead in your eye and call you friend and turn around and tell everyone your ‘business’ whether it’s true or not. They’ll make shit up and swear to the heavens that it’s gold. I have found that I have had many friends in my life that have claimed to have my back and it’s definitely not true. Cats become salty because I stay real and true to myself no matter what the circumstance and it honestly sucks.

I can’t stand everything around me. It’s tiring. People are really getting to be dynamic rather than static. Everyone only shows they care when it is suitable for their timing. In fact, in some cases people are only trying to get me to see their side of things and not what I see. 

I have honestly deluded myself into believing that I have many close friends and I am starting to realize I am alone. No close anything. If I tell anyone anything, it will NEVER be close to the cuff, it will be told to someone else. I stand a dying breed of warrior. True to my word. I don't change what I am or what I live. I live by a code of ethics and I keep my 'friends' close. Even if they choose to discard me I refuse to tell their secrets or things they said in confidence. There is a code to friendship. A code to life and love. 

I am thinking back on these 35 total years here and I can't understand how I got here. Looking at my surroundings and seeing that the world around me is full of people that have no loyalty, no code, no need for growth. Sometimes it makes me really upset that I work so hard to be a great person, to be a great friend, a wonderful global citizen and no one will respect that. No one will understand or honor it. I believe in everyone that I give a little of myself to. Do I get that same in return? I really don't think so. It's always a reason due to something. Take your pick. 

I have only changed my life for the better in the past 35 years. Never for a woman, a job, a friend, or for anyone else. Just for me. To be a better person only. Of course to say, I have had dark days where I did decide to become an asshole because of various things on my life that made me angry (my son dying, being the black sheep of my family for a time when I was younger, etc)  but I have always found my way back to the side that fit me and those I love most. 

People stand before me and they will question my integrity, my authority, my morals, my loyalty and then have the nerve to spit at the ground I walk on. Or swear allegiance to me and then will dismiss me for whatever reason and come and go whenever they see fit. I hate that feeling and the shit is not right. I am not a dog that you can let out for the night and expect to come back in the morning. We are both human beings. We chat and are supposed to nurture these things called friendships. If I'm not worth the time then respect me as a man and tell me to fuck off. I'm cool with that. Same point, grow the hell up people. Why is it some people can't take it when you don't agree with their point? If there is something that you don't see eye to eye on, why the fuck is it that a cat has to get all salty and start using all exclamation points and caps lock on Facebook or yelling in person? So childlike. 

For now, I'm on my own... I have no one on my team. I stand solo and there is nothing I can do about it. I will become a better, faster, stronger weapon. My mind has to become sharper. There's no one I can share my thoughts with, no one I can talk to about my visions, no one that understands the code that I live by because I am that dying breed.

Kinda like the samurai I guess.

The Seven Virtues Of Samurai

How I roll... and I guess I have many acquaintances and I sit alone.

The Honest Post

Here I am, back at it. Been a while since I’ve posted and for that I do apologize. This post is going to be about my honesty. There are some things I feel some type of way about and I’d like to post on that. I’ve had many things happen since I last posted and I want to share my thoughts on them.

The Precious (Ring)

Well, it’s been done. The ring I have been searching for has been found. I received my Super Bowl Championship ring on Saturday of last week. I was kind of excited for it, but not fully. I really did nothing to get it. I rode the backs of many men to get it. Let’s be clear, I’m 35 years old and nowhere near as good as my counterparts. I have heart and I did everything asked of me to get to where I got to. However, I just wasn’t ‘good enough’ to even play a series for the last six weeks. The most sweat I got was in pregame warm-ups. It was a waste of my Tuesday and Thursday nights and many miles logged on my car on Saturdays to watch a semi-pro football game. I did make many friendships along the way and experiences that I will always be grateful for. Many people that I trusted showed me their true colors over the course of the season. Many friendships were tested, many will never be the same again. Out of that experience, I learned even men cannot stand up and be truthful and treat other men like… men. This is NOT about ego. This is about the truth. Treating men with respect and having honest dealings with these people that spend hundreds of dollars of their hard earned money to support a team. To take time away from their families and potential injuries that may force them out of work for a time. For the love of the game, these men that say “Yes, I will sacrifice my health, my time, and my money for this game that I love and the chance to be a part of this family and this brotherhood.” To just shit on those men and the commitment they make just to make a better run at a ring is something I’ll never understand. This is mostly why I have made the switch to competitive strongman. It is something I have always wanted to be a part of since I watched Magnus Ver Magnusson compete in the World’s Strongest Man back in the 90s.

Magnus Ver Magnusson

The Genesis Of The Strongman

Back in the early 2000s, I had told a friend of mine that I intended to train for WSM (World’s Strongest Man) and would be competing for it by the mid 2000s. I trained hard for a few months and then everything just fell apart. My son was getting becoming a toddler and I had to concentrate on work and making money to feed my family. Training was not in the cards. I abandoned that dream. I had no choice. Years passed, I got older and eventually forgot about it.

Let’s fast forward to November 2013. I started working out with a friend, Nick. We had done maybe 2 or 3 workouts and as we were leaving the gym, I said “You know, I really want to get up to powerlifting and training for strongman competitions.” He stopped dead in his tracks and said “No shit, I’ve always wanted to do that. There’s a place in Everett that does them.” With that, the seed was planted and we started gearing our training to that. I thank God for Nick daily. We have developed a friendship and are like brothers. We train together, talk about events of the day, and look out for each others’ well-being.

The life of someone who does what I do is a lonely one. Many people don’t understand the ‘need to feed’ the addiction that weightlifting becomes once a person consciously decides to get into this lifestyle. The need to eat protein at pretty much every meal becomes very costly. The people that precede us and the muscle they carry is something that the average person thinks is gross and ‘just too much’. The constant talk about competition and what it will take to get there makes some peoples eyes roll out of their heads practically. Yes, a very lonely life. I spend most days beating myself up thinking about what I should have done differently in my workouts or how I could have eaten differently that day.

This new life is something I’m getting used to and it is by no means easy. It’s expensive and lonely, yet I know it can be rewarding. It’s gonna take time, but I will get used to it.

The Facebook Life

I don’t get is how people can get so bent over what other people have for beliefs on social media. I was one of those people that get bent. When people would post hateful messages about the President or being stereotypical about welfare recipients I’d be the first to chime in with a rebuttal. I was that Facebook crusader. I just had to take it personally. What’s the reason for that? Is there really THAT little to do in life to get bent and have to take potshots at other people for having an opinion other than mine? I realized eventually that because I have an opinion one way, that does not mean that I necessarily have the right opinion. It may be right for me, but I don’t have to push my values and beliefs on others. I can post what I want on my page and no one has the right to tell me I can’t. Many people I have as friends on Facebook have different opinions than mine. In fact, I’ll say drastically different. I see all kinds of posts and if it comes down to being offensive on a regular basis, I just hide their posts. It’s just that simple. To call people out for what they post on their page, is similar to telling someone they aren’t allowed to put stuff of their front lawn cause they drive by and don’t like the view. Seriously? Calm down. It’s Facebook. People have a right to post whatever they want and whether it’s political, grammatical, or whatever… get over it. There is no Facebook Police and as long as it isn’t violating any laws leave it be. By accepting the friend request you are pretty much saying “Yes, I accept what I will see from you on my news feed.” It’s really not that serious. If people are so compelled to be rude to those that have different views, then just unfriend that person.

The Human Nature Experience

When it comes to my everyday experiences with other people, I am perplexed how they act. I get generally annoyed by most people and that is EXACTLY why I don’t deal with people on a regular basis. I have a hard time accepting how people feel ‘entitled’ to rewards in life. We all must work for what we want. Treating others like dirt because they have more than you or because they may not agree with you on issues is unacceptable. There is no reason to make someone feel horrible because you don’t agree. Just agree to disagree and move on. This world is a big place and I’m sure there are others that will see your point and one person that doesn’t isn’t the bad guy/girl. It is really disgusting to treat people with no respect just on the basis of human decency. So many people have this thing where they believe that they should be allowed to talk to people however they want to because of how they feel people treat them. Maybe if people examined how they act and what they say about others, they may realize that they may be the problem. Imagine if people looked in the mirror first before acting on impulse? 

What's The Point?

My point is this. Treat others with the respect that you'd want. People will only give you what you give them. Want people to respect your opinions? Respect theirs. If you have a right to do whatever it is in your beliefs that you do, then respect that they also have that same right. No one person is above another. It's just that simple. Each day I wake up, I realize more and more that there are more 'entitled' people in the world than there are hard working people. People think the people that help them are supposed to. The people that listen to them are SUPPOSED to. Be a man/woman and accept that people are just different. 

Most importantly, realize that some people you trust will MOST DEFINITELY fuck you over. Throw up the deuces at them and keep it moving. No need to Facebook the drama and look for social acceptance... unless you want people to hate on you and judge you after. 

As always, leave a comment or hit me up on Facebook for thoughts. I'd love some feedback.

The Weight Of The Waiting Game

"One day as I was sitting in traffic, waiting, I started thinking about all the time we spend waiting in life. We wait in traffic, we wait in line at the grocery store, and we may wait for a promotion or a relationship to turn around. We also might wait for a prayer to be answered. It seems we spend a lot of time in the waiting room of life." -Victoria Osteen

There are some things in life that we all wait on. We find ourselves waiting on quite a bit. In the military it's always 'hurry up and wait'. We never get to relax because the little things we can't control, we find ourselves getting impatient. When we go out to eat at a restaurant, we expect that there will be a wait time. We accept the food has to be prepared, the server has multiple tables so we are accustomed to having a delay, the bartender has many drinks to make so we allow for that to take time too. Once in a while you'll get that person that expects their food and beverage to be ready right then. No waiting. Depends on the person I guess. In most part, we will wait for a short time as long as it is acceptable.

Waiting On That Love



How long does it take to realize waiting is no longer an option? The concept of a relationship for example is a LONG wait. Maybe the other person is trying to figure themselves out. Quite possibly there's an external influence that is making the relationship harder. Could be alcohol/drug abuse, fear of commitment, timing problems, etc. What can actually be done? Some people are so forgiving and accepting of pain and embarrassment, but then will not tolerate having to wait on their 'ship to come in'. There are people that actually will allow themselves to be broken, battered, and belittled by others and wait for the aggressor to change but seem to have the hardest time with waiting on success.

I get it. It's hard to think outside the box. Seems logical that if you care about something or someone the only thing to do is wait. With that said, indulge in my though process for a minute. How long is TOO long? It does depend on the persons' comfort level. Maybe you love someone so much that you feel compelled to it. If that's the case, then it's something you have to accept. That love will bind you and you can't move forward. However, if it's out of 'comfort', then what is the point? You're comfortable being with someone that will not meet you half way? You're actually okay with someone taking up your time with drama and bullshit for no reason other than you believing the endgame will be 'worth it'? Sure, keep on doing that. We all will fall victim to a bad relationship but if there is no give and take then what is the purpose of exhausting all your resources on someone that doesn't care nor understand what you are trying to accomplish?

Waiting On That Payday

So, how is it that we can wait on a meal at a restaurant (even when we're starving) but find it so impossible to wait and invest in ourselves for success? Some people spend countless hours and money at Foxwoods or Mohegan Sun trying to hit that BIG ONE so that they can pay up their bills, provide a more comfortable life for their children and themselves, or the desire to have bigger and better things and all the while dwindling their money down to nothing so if they should hit it big it's probably money they sunk into the place anyway. When I think about it, I've probably spent thousands on scratch tickets hoping to get that payday since I turned 18. If I had invested that money, or saved it over all this time I'd have a chunk of change in the bank right now. It's the instant gratification that we're truly after. That one get rich quick idea after another. Putting in the least amount of investment and getting the most back.

Everyone loves the idea of the underdog. We all know that the top 1% controls the 99%. We all want to be there. To never have to worry about money or bills again. That's why we do the things we do. People get all hype when they do hit big, but how many invest it? Very few I'm sure. They decide to spend it all on things they wouldn't normally have access to. Bigger house, bigger car, everything BIGGER. What many fail to realize all those things cost more to run and manage and that money can dwindle to nothing again.


Waiting On Self-Improvements

It truly amazes me how many resolutions come about at the beginning of any calendar year. Gyms get busier (for about a month) and people resolve to do better, be better, or live better. Take your pick. People are gung ho about self-improvements but for one reason or another they decide to wait until the next day or later. Then we realize that later gets later... and later... and later until way too much time has passed and then feel it's too late to try again. Maybe go back to school or get a degree. Then comes the excuses. It's too expensive, it's to far to travel, it's not going to fit in my schedule... so they wait even longer. It is a vicious cycle. Self-improvements take far too much investment and they will require not only an initial investment, but a LONG TERM investment and sometimes you won't even see results for months or years depending what you're trying to change. Again, all about that "Right here, right now".



The Weight of Waiting

It takes a certain grit and mentality to be able to handle patiently waiting. I believe the reason why some people are impatient is because they wait without purpose. There's a reason why servers bring drinks out first. That's so you're doing something while your food is being prepped and you can enjoy the beverage while that's happening. Commercials are there to serve as a break while watching TV. When you're waiting there has to be something happening so that the endgame doesn't seem so far. Imagine if people invested in themselves while waiting to get promoted? Taking every training possible and learning all aspects of their job so that they can be ready if and when the time comes for that promotion? That promotion would lead to more money. Some would rather keep switching jobs with a higher pay, but never staying long enough to build longevity. Instant gratification is so much easier than putting in work to attain it.

Our ethic has to change in order for people to be better. Investments require research, thought, and most of all patience. When someone makes a stock investment, they read the prospectus, look at past history, and upon investing they watch the stock rise and fall and carefully consider the selling and redemption of that stock. The 1% knows this. What if we all did that in our lives with our jobs? In relationships? Everyday conflicts that need to be resolved?

It's too hard to wait some would say. On the flip side, waiting with an urgent matter that requires a decision or action is just plain lazy. Sure it's easier to wait to fix a situation that requires our actions. Paying a bill, stopping to get gas for our cars cause it's too cold out, even something as menial as washing clothes. It's human nature to be able to wait when action is required on our part, but when someone else has to do something we want it done right now. Why? If all our actions were well thought out and executed with precision, the world would be a much better place.

To finish this out.... there's an old saying I'd like to share:




Until next time readers. As always, share my blog, comment, or think about what I typed.