My Life With Epilepsy, God, And STRONGMAN...: The Path Of The Lonely Warrior

war·ri·or

[wawr-ee-er, wawr-yer, wor-ee-er, wor-yer]

noun

a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier.

a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics.

So I look at this point in my life and I wonder… where am I? How did I actually get here? I had many plans for myself years ago. I used to be laid back with an intense fire inside my eyes to rule the world. I had a eye for money, for seeing through bullshit, and for knowing myself. I was ALWAYS true to myself. I never let anyone make me out to be something that I wasn’t or that I didn’t want them to see. Now I let everyone and anyone as and do whatever the hell they want. It’s really irrelevant what people believe and say about you. People will talk about you no matter what. Hell, people will look you dead in your eye and call you friend and turn around and tell everyone your ‘business’ whether it’s true or not. They’ll make shit up and swear to the heavens that it’s gold. I have found that I have had many friends in my life that have claimed to have my back and it’s definitely not true. Cats become salty because I stay real and true to myself no matter what the circumstance and it honestly sucks.

I can’t stand everything around me. It’s tiring. People are really getting to be dynamic rather than static. Everyone only shows they care when it is suitable for their timing. In fact, in some cases people are only trying to get me to see their side of things and not what I see.

I have honestly deluded myself into believing that I have many close friends and I am starting to realize I am alone. No close anything. If I tell anyone anything, it will NEVER be close to the cuff, it will be told to someone else. I stand a dying breed of warrior. True to my word. I don't change what I am or what I live. I live by a code of ethics and I keep my 'friends' close. Even if they choose to discard me I refuse to tell their secrets or things they said in confidence. There is a code to friendship. A code to life and love.

I am thinking back on these 35 total years here and I can't understand how I got here. Looking at my surroundings and seeing that the world around me is full of people that have no loyalty, no code, no need for growth. Sometimes it makes me really upset that I work so hard to be a great person, to be a great friend, a wonderful global citizen and no one will respect that. No one will understand or honor it. I believe in everyone that I give a little of myself to. Do I get that same in return? I really don't think so. It's always a reason due to something. Take your pick.

I have only changed my life for the better in the past 35 years. Never for a woman, a job, a friend, or for anyone else. Just for me. To be a better person only. Of course to say, I have had dark days where I did decide to become an asshole because of various things on my life that made me angry (my son dying, being the black sheep of my family for a time when I was younger, etc) but I have always found my way back to the side that fit me and those I love most.

People stand before me and they will question my integrity, my authority, my morals, my loyalty and then have the nerve to spit at the ground I walk on. Or swear allegiance to me and then will dismiss me for whatever reason and come and go whenever they see fit. I hate that feeling and the shit is not right. I am not a dog that you can let out for the night and expect to come back in the morning. We are both human beings. We chat and are supposed to nurture these things called friendships. If I'm not worth the time then respect me as a man and tell me to fuck off. I'm cool with that. Same point, grow the hell up people. Why is it some people can't take it when you don't agree with their point? If there is something that you don't see eye to eye on, why the fuck is it that a cat has to get all salty and start using all exclamation points and caps lock on Facebook or yelling in person? So childlike.

For now, I'm on my own... I have no one on my team. I stand solo and there is nothing I can do about it. I will become a better, faster, stronger weapon. My mind has to become sharper. There's no one I can share my thoughts with, no one I can talk to about my visions, no one that understands the code that I live by because I am that dying breed.

Kinda like the samurai I guess.