As I sit here at midnight, I'm thinking about everything in my life. I'm over everything. I've found that emotions of most other people are situational, the words most people use are only meant as filler, and honestly... I am well aware of the truth.
Once upon a time, I was a very clingy person. As soon as someone showed me a little attention I was either in love or wanted them to be my friend for life. I think back to the days in seventh and eighth grade when I was just coming into my own and I wanted to have more friends. Every girl that would smile at me I would ask out (I always got a no for an answer) and every boy that laughed at my jokes I would invite over to my house. I always kept to myself other than when I was with my friends and such. I had very few friends as when I was younger I had a stutter and I was pretty erratic at times.
That's enough of the past. Let's talk about the present. People constantly lie. That's the role they play. I've had enough of drama and lying. No one can tell the truth and accept things for what they are. I would never mind the truth and honesty. People can't be about that life. Everyone wants to pay lip service but not be real and honest.
I used to believe that everyone said what they meant and meant what they said, but I trust no one. I stand solo everyday. Everyone lies, everyone says the word 'love' but very few mean it. Everyone wants to throw the bullshit at me but I don't buy it. I've become cynical in my life because of the people in it. Each morning I wake up and wonder how much bullshit will I encounter that day. Most people don't accept me for who and what I am. Sure, people say they are down for me and everything I stand for but when push comes to shove I am on my own.
I've worked for over a year to make myself into what I am. I find that I like me more than most people close to me do. Also, I feel accomplished in my life and yet so unfulfilled. Too many times as of late, I've looked back at my past and wished I had made different choices. I used to think that the past makes us who we are but now I feel that I've made some regrettable mistakes I sincerely wish I could recify, but I can't.
After my father died, I died inside myself. Parts of me no longer existed. Dad always shared who was real in his mind and who wasn't. I have adopted that same behavior. I find that people won't stick to the same principle. I'm tired of people lying and not being true to me. I'm just done. Most people don't care about me for me anymore.. they either care about me for what I can do, or what I can bring to the table. I want realness and I crave the honestly and purity. I just can't get it. I have worked to make myself into what I am and it feels like it's not enough. I like me, some people don't like me, and honestly don't like me or the physical me. I don't care. Take me for what I am, or walk away.
Short, simple, and that's that. Done.
After my father died, I died inside myself. Parts of me no longer existed. Dad always shared who was real in his mind and who wasn't. I have adopted that same behavior. I find that people won't stick to the same principle. I'm tired of people lying and not being true to me. I'm just done. Most people don't care about me for me anymore.. they either care about me for what I can do, or what I can bring to the table. I want realness and I crave the honestly and purity. I just can't get it. I have worked to make myself into what I am and it feels like it's not enough. I like me, some people don't like me, and honestly don't like me or the physical me. I don't care. Take me for what I am, or walk away.
Short, simple, and that's that. Done.
