Am I Crazy?

The holidays are upon us and I am honestly... losing my shit I think. Since I am an open book and there aren't many people that read this anyway, I'll share this. I actually went to my doctor cause I really thought for a bit I was going crazy. Now I'm on two different anti-depressants and still on my anti-seizure/migraine preventative meds. One of the three is a MAJOR narcotic. Yeah, I'm like that now... Never been one to believe in depression meds, but since Dad died I've been very bad off... like VERY bad off. I'm trying to hold it together though. Just an off the cuff poem about my daily life missing Dad. Enjoy.


Am I Crazy?

Each morning as I wake up and open my eyes,
I realize that another day is coming that you're not here.
My demons hop on my back as my feet hit the floor and start telling me lies,
They repeat again and again that I'm not strong enough to hold onto the ones I love so dear.
I begin my walk to the shower like it's a death march to the gallows with my eyes sunken in,
Then I turn on the hot water and turn to look in the mirror and analyze my face and I see the pain.
I can almost hear you saying to me 'Boy you look like hell and you have to find that grin.'
As I get in the shower and the hot water washes the night away it gets replaced with disdain.
I can't scrub the sorrow away hard enough so I scrub til my skin is raw,
I can't clean the gray away from my beard or the dried tears from my soul.
In these first few minutes my heart is ravaged and pulverized and I clench my jaw,
These precious few moments of each day I realize... I'm no longer whole.

The sun rose today and so did I,
The tears came early today and the pain gripped me the same.
The purest pain gripped my soul this morning and I started to cry,
But that didn't change the fact that I still have to play this game.
I still have to get through the day and pretend that it's okay,
Got things to accomplish and I still got things to do.
People still need me to be the stronger one and the better one today,
I just have to get through another day Dad without you.

I drove in the car and each time I saw that certain car you use to drive I swore it was you,
Had to actually question if it really was my mind playing some cruel trick or if it really was.
There's no real reason why I could be seeing you alive because I saw you die and I saw it true,
I saw you lying there in that coffin and I wiped my son's tears then did what I had to do.
I straightened the tie on your lifeless body and I know it wasn't the man that was in that car,
Then I told myself that it wasn't and I heard you tell me 'Boy you need you get your head right.'
Couldn't help but say out loud "Yeah, I know. I must be out of my mind to think that far.",
A single tear drop fell from my eye cause I knew I would feel worse by the night.
The radio isn't playing anything good so I put on the custom radio station I made with your name,
I know it makes no sense to torture myself like this cause all it does is make me sad and happy too.
Everyone thinks I am morbid I know it and I don't care cause it means you and I are still the same,
It just reaffirms the fact that I still can care about you and still it's okay to miss and love you.

I think to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought I heard you talk to me?'
I said to myself "Am I going crazy? I thought you were driving next to me?"
I wondered to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought you answered me?'

When I was in.... hell any random store, restaurant, insert any public place,
I could have sworn I saw you walking in and going somewhere special.
My heart damn near fell out my chest again at the thought we'd share the same space,
I looked again and again and then I realized it wasn't even you... I'm getting critical.
My heart broke again at the thought I got myself again at the life and death of you,
Then I got mad at myself for pulling that same shit on myself knowing I spoke at your wake.
I know I shook hundreds of hands and heard hundreds of 'I'm so sorry' said about you,
This shit is getting to be more than the gravity of me can take.
I walk away knowing I didn't just see you but my heart hurts so bad and now I want to call,
I'll go to the house right now and reset that last moment we had I swear I'll do it over and do it right.
I won't just drive away this time Dad, I mean it because I know I won't let you fall,
We can even sit up, watch tv, I'll get some pizza and we can talk all night.

Sometimes in the quiet I can hear the clicking of your cane,
It doesn't matter where I am at be it at your house or the place where I lay.
I stop and I listen again and it's still there then I wonder am I insane?
I don't have an answer for myself, but maybe it will go away.
Then I hear the things you used to say to me or I hear myself in your inflection or your tone,
Some nights I break down and cry like you just died all over again.
I beg for another chance as if to bargain for a switch between you and I so I don't feel alone,
I miss you every night and then every day... I miss my best friend.
Talking about you only leads to more talking about you til I feel like people get tired of it,
I hate the pain of losing you still lingering like this as if it should be okay by now.
There is so much I question within myself and so much I think is shit,
I don't know what I'm doing with all this pain... don't know how.

I think to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought I heard you talk to me?'
I said to myself "Am I going crazy? I thought you were driving next to me?"
I wondered to myself 'Am I going crazy? I thought you answered me?'
I felt in my heart 'Am I going crazy? I thought I just saw you...'

The sun is setting tonight so am I,
The tears are still gripping me and the pain is still the same.
The stars are coming out to dance for the night sky,
But that didn't change the fact that I still have to play this game.
Yet again I made it through the day and pretended that it's okay,
Did some of  the things I had to accomplish and I still got more to do.
Gotta put the demons in the corner tonight to rest awhile,
I just have to get through another night Dad without you.