This is a model like the car I USED to finance. I say USED to because I had it repossessed. Yes, I said it... it's gone. At over five hundred dollars a month, I couldn't take it anymore and I just let them come and take it. I knew the day was coming. Hell, I even predicted it back in January that by the summer it would be gone. Am I angry? No. A little bitter? Maybe. Stressed? Definitely. I always said it may cost a lot, but it's mine. I work hard to have a vehicle I know won't fall apart on me and I know will drive when I need it to and now I have no car at all. No freedom to go when I need to, no freedom to just drive away when I want to. Want to know why this happened? It's all God's fault. Every bit of it. I'll tell you why...
I've spent the past year working two jobs just to break even... barely. I prayed so often that He would give me more money at my full time job just so I could stop working part time. I begged that He would let me sleep and get rest for just another hour longer. I spent more often saying "If you give me a promotion, then I'll do better. I'll BE better." I cried for more time to train and get in the gym. I spent SO much time trying to bargain with God that I don't think I bothered to have a legit conversation with another human being in the past year. It is amazing how I can even have a normal phone conversation.
The bills are long and the money is short. A lot of people know that struggle so I don't need to go into great detail about that. Every time I get tired I just think about the bills piling up and I say "Well, I would just leave the part time job but eff it, I need the money." I come close to falling asleep at my full time job almost daily because of the stress and wear and tear on my body and I still say "Eff it, I need the money." It's a vicious cycle. I just need the money and you wanna know something... I don't have enough... and I prayed for more... for strength, for sleep time, for gym time, for more time to even eat right... and I didn't get it... and it's not given to me... here's why...
I. DIDN'T. DO. MY. SHARE....
See, we all want to be rich, we all want 'more time'. Ask yourself... what did you do to create with what you DO have? I had extra money at points but what did I do? I ate out more because I couldn't go shopping or I didn't feel like cooking. So I spent up my money until I had no extra. I spend money at work to eat the food at the cafeteria (which has great food by the way) because there is not much shopping going on at the house. I'm stressed at the crib so rather than get adequate sleep, I spend extra money on alcohol so I don't have to deal with the drama of life and finances. I work 0800 - 1700 during the week and am usually in bed by midnight. Come Friday, I work usually 01700 til 0100 then I'm up till 0600 drinking... all night. In between I'm cleaning and watching movies or something. I spend most of my off time being complaining about what happened to me in my life in the past few years. My days in church taught me that God does not like to be tested. I did plenty of that. I keep wanting to change people in my life and their attitudes and they will not. Who am I to think that? If people want to do nothing with their lives then to hell with them. If they choose to watch me struggle and just say "Wow, that sucks bro." then I'm the ass for keeping them in my life.
So if you think about it and are not into religion, put it in terms you can understand. Then with all the crap I do with myself I certainly have done myself no favors by not saving any money nor putting time in the gym, nor am I improving my lifestyle. My heart is breaking, my life is falling apart, and I have ambitions, goals and dreams... and I did not do my share. I need to do my share. I need to find the strength to push off those who aren't into building up this part of my life... it very well is time to compartmentalize my life. I'm 36 years old, no transportation, tired, sleep-deprived, and broken.
Next time you think you deserve more than what you have, ask yourself... what are you doing with what you're working with. If you're wasting it, then maybe you don't need more but you just need to get better with what you have and then you can achieve more.
Bottom line, is it God's fault? No. It's my own. I didn't do what I was supposed to... which was work with what I had.
