Time In, Time Out

This is not a usual post for me. It's just a few random thoughts on everything that has happened over the past few weeks in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood as of the past few weeks and I truly miss it. Everything was so young and new. Each summer was... well, summer! Nothing to do but pass the lazy days away. There was always opportunity. No one ever talked about the end of days, increased violence in the streets, sexual predators preying on our youth, and times were innocent.

As a youth, I had my grandparents that I loved with all my heart, but I was always bitter about the fact I had no sense of belonging. For two middle-aged grandparents to take on a child that is not theirs must be hard to take in and deal with with little thought of the future. I spent many happy years in Mississippi visiting my great-grandparents during the summer months. My grandparents and I would travel to Ole Miss by car. My grandfather would drive and we'd just take in the sights of these great states of ours. I would pull out my Gameboy and just play until I fell asleep. I can remember oe time when I got the new JJ Fad single Supersonic

Those were the days that I miss. Being a youth, not caring about bills, money, or a job. Just having a sense of self and being carefree. I knew where I was going because I didn't have to think about it. Each day was laid out for me. Now that I'm older I have to stand on my own two feet and everything I do is accountable. I can't even think straight sometimes and I make the wrong choice sometimes.

When I started this blog I wanted to chronicle my life and journey cause I didn't know what was going to happen to me in the days ahead and now my health has improved and it's just a place to vent and a sounding board.

I think back to when I started this, and it was more or less about my interactions with God, people, and my own thoughts. The game has changed now. I don't go to church, I don't interact with people much, and I don't play football anymore. I just am here. I still coach football, but nothing else. I've been so busy with this job that I really don't do much else. I'm trying to make the necessary changes that I need to in order for my life to be better. As I said before, I deserve better! In this life, you absolutely have to make the best of things. If you don't, you will most certainly miss out.

When I think about the past 10 years since I became a father, I feel like I've grown a lot. Everyday there is something new to learn about. I can't remember when or why it happened, but somewhere along the way I decided there would be no more fucks given about people who don't care about themselves. It strikes me as absurd that people who don't give a shit about themselves expecting others to jump up and force them to look in the mirror to realize their worth. I have to say, if someone values their life, their family, their love.... then you need to fight. Everyday fight the negativity within yourself and move on to the positive things that will make things worthwhile. You must fight for what you love! For WHO you love.

When life blows up in your face you must fight for the love that will keep you warm and safe. Too many times, people use love as a scapegoat and mask it for comfort. Love by it's very definition is tangible. You can see what it is and how it moves people.

Love can make you change facets of yourself that you were never going to concede to. Don't get it twisted though, there is no need give in to demands if it infringes on your beliefs. Be who you are and accept your own faults. Here's the facts, I know who I am inside and will not apologize for it. I give myself time to think and reflect on my life and I realize that I am not perfect. Hate me or love me. Family, friends, enemies all know to take me as I am. I take others out of the equation when I think about what my next steps are going to be. If it turns out that they are going to make me end up in the wrong side of the equation then I guess I'm just gonna be the bad guy. See it just doesn't matter what other people think of me cause I know who I am on the inside and NO ONE will change me or make me feel bad about who I am. I grew up a fighter and will always be. I play hard and love hard. When I love, you are in my life till you mess it up. If I don't like you, then we just won't speak. I don't play make believe with people. If I am not feeling you, I won't acknowledge your presence cause it would be disrespectful to you by pretending to like you.

On another note, let's stop playing games on Facebook. The most annoying person is the one that feeels the need to put their business on status updates then get defensive when their friends comment contrary to what they think. Shameless promotion on how you're a notch above everyone else cause you can fend for yourself, or you're not on welfare, etc. Just stop it. Since when does the internet validate who you are? If you love yourself who gives a damn what Facebook sees you as. So damn annoying. If Facebook gets you that mad, then stop using it. Off the soapbox now...

I've recently found Dubstep music again. It is most definitely an acquired taste. It is heavy on the distorted bass. Here's a few of my favorite tracks:

Golddust- Flux Pavillion

Nice Sprites And Scary Monsters- Skrillex

Woo Boost- Rusko



Three of my fave tracks right there. I've been listening to music a lot more because it calms me. Even dubstep. I've decided with this new job, I'm going to start to save to start up my own DJ business. I'm going to buy:

I want it!!!! Numark V7

Also, I made myself a membership with Top Hits USA. They send you the Billboard Hits from each week or month, depending on your membership. Also, I want to create mix tapes for people. For free, cause I love music that much and I want to share it with the world. Just me.

Find peace within yourself, live to learn and then you can learn to live. If you believe in yourself even when no one else does, that will make you stronger. That's it. Do me a favor, I love this blog... that's why I write it. Suggest this blog to someone...anyone. I'd like at least 10 followers by Christmas. As always, comments are welcome! Much love and stay true to you,

Duck

Results May Vary

I’ve been thinking over the past few weeks about a lot of things. There’s so much going on, and here I am… about to share it with you. For some reason I feel like more people than usual are going to read it. Here goes…


I got a new job that I start on 5December. It’s for an asset services banking institution making almost 40K a year. The best part it? It’s Mon – Fri 930 – 6 PM. I deserved it and I got it. Entry level. It’s what I wanted and I fought for it. I’ve been applied for probably 20 to 25 jobs at BNY Mellon and I finally hit paydirt. Heck yeah! I left Sprint as Black Friday was my last day. I was short-timing it like crazy. I hated it there. So glad it’s over. My time there taught me one thing: NO MORE RETAIL! Finished! EVER! I am ready to move on to bigger and better things not to mention a career! My title is Control Accounting Specialist with BNY Mellon.



I’m so tired of everyone who is not Christian having something to say about religion. Freedom of speech and freedom of religion DOES NOT only apply to every other religion except Christianity. It’s so annoying that everyone gets mad when (for example) a Christian says ‘God bless you’ then they get all high and mighty saying they are offended because you ‘assumed’ they believe in God. Newsflash, if you can wear your t-shirts promoting your religion or bumper stickers then why can’t a Christian promote theirs? I mean really, as long as they aren’t flooding your inbox with Christian emails or ‘bible-thumping’ whenever you’re together then leave them alone. If it’s in passing just look past the comment and move on. When a Jewish person says Happy Chanukkah to me I just respond in kind. I don’t have to believe or practice their religion in order to be polite. It seems people just take advantage of saying ‘Freedom Of Religion’ That means that all religions can practice what they want and live their life like they see fit according to their religion. Follow my words carefully, just because SOME Christians are ‘bible-thumping’ and feel the need to put down other religions, not all are like that but why put them down? You can preach your stuff and all they are doing is ‘responding in kind’. This world is large enough for everyone to have their own beliefs.



Relationships are hard work. It’s not easy to maintain happiness. Interpersonal relationships are tough too. For me, it seems most people expect me to form myself into their molds. I get mad at people, but I accept them at their face value. Just because I don’t do what other people want, or give in to their demands it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. Saying how you really feel regardless of feelings that the other person may have about the conversation shows you respect the other person enough to say what you feel. Part of saying how you feel involves accepting the repercussions. If I say something to someone, I don’t expect them to like what I say or do what I want. I only speak my mind because I feel I need to at that moment. I believe in being a great conversationalist, my words are important enough for me to speak them so it’s on you what you do with them. Sometimes people do or say things cause they can’t communicate correctly. They will sacrifice themselves just to get back at you. Why? It makes no sense. The tit for tat game is for children. As adults, we need to put that crap in the past. Communication is clutch when it comes to interpersonal relationships.



I guess the main point is this…



Results May Vary



In everything we do, no matter what the outcome will be different for everyone. Respect difference, but don’t exploit someone else who has the same rights as you do. Don’t infringe on someone elses’ rights just to grow your own. Everyday, there are people who are being killed for their religion in third world countries. It won’t kill anyone to just let people worship in their own way in this one. If someone for example say Merry Christmas, Happy Kwaanza, Happy Chanukkah, etc. just respond in your own way. If you choose to use a sweeping generalization of Happy Holidays knock yourself out. If you see Tim Tebow on TV starting each interview with “First off, I want to that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for…” and it annoys you, turn the TV or at least give the man credit for showing his faith, cause if he were in your faith would it bother you? Most would answer ‘Probably not.’ If the person were an atheist and they say that God doesn’t exist and so were you would it bother you? Probably not.



Love is a living thing. It changes everyone in different ways. It comes down to this… If you are in love, it will make you want to change. You will find happiness in seeing your partner smile. Your friendships will become better because you will enjoy the conversation with your friends and value what they say. When you’re in love, you should be allowed to speak your mind and not hide your anger. Just remember, you may not like everything people do but don’t think that they have to change it because you feel they way you do. Don’t be vengeful towards people you love. No ulterior motives. That is not love. You can be mad at them, but why do things to hurt them on purpose? Or do things to them in order to ‘do it back to them’… all you’re doing is making yourself look like an ass.


Finally, I did what I set out to do. I have a great job now (which I said I would do). It took a lot to get me here, but I made it. Is it possible to change your life? Well, Results May Vary...

I'll write again tomorrow. Comment if you want to! :o)

Be Like Water...

As we draw closer to the end of 2011, I wonder what is to come of us in the coming years. Will the world hit an enlightened consciousness and desire for humanitarian efforts so we can exist in peace? There's so much talk about the Mayan calendar and the 'ending of the world'. Does anyone know what happens 'after'? What if the world in fact is going to end on December 21st, 2012? Where will you go? Will you go back to your home and just lay there and hope the ending is not painful? Will you huddle up your kids and pray to the God you never thought existed? Will you just continue as if nothing is going to happen all that day? All good scenarios....

Now, what if the world doesn't end? Will you wake up the next day and pretend you weren't scared? Or will you just go on about your business and never look back? Or, will you wait for the next 'doomsday' event?

At this point, I wonder... what are we going to do about each other? There is an underlying current of unrest in our country right now. People are tired of giving and not getting. Banks are getting richer and the middle class are getting poorer. A stream of consciousness is emerging. Things need to change. They must change. With a year left (presumably) what will you do? Ending or not, people will hype this day up until the very 'end'. Then they will say the Mayans misjudged the day by a few weeks and the hysteria will begin again for a little while. Just my thought on that.

Moving on to the day, MY BOYS WON!!!! We beat Fitchburg today 6 - 0. All I asked was one question to them... "Who wants it?" When your back is against the wall, will you want it? And what are you willing to go through to get it?

(Greyskale Mulitmedia created video/ET The Hip Hop Preacher speech)

How bad do you want it? As ET says, you have to want success as badly as you want to breathe. I first discovered this video about a month ago. When I heard that part of this video I realized... I've never truly wanted anything. I always said I did. I would pretend I did. In my heart, if I wanted it I'd have damn sure done something about it. Think about each breath you take. When you work out, or exercise hard and you breath harder. That's not wanting to breath. You know your breathing will catch up. If you've ever had asthma, or ever came close to drowning... you would give up ANYTHING to catch your breath. To feel your lungs fill up with life. Have you ever wanted something that bad? Ever? I answered no. When you say you'll quit smoking, stop drinking, etc... do you really want to? Or are you going through the motions. I look at my football kids and I see some of them jogging during suicides and they really don't want to improve. They aren't giving it their all. It makes me so mad. There will be no progress without a process. If you don't understand what you have to do and you don't want to work for it.... it's never going to come. Period. Oh sure, some people get handed everything and it will piss you off. Why? Because they got it and you didn't. Plain and simple. If you were handed what others get handed you wouldn't turn it away. You'd take it like they did. So why be mad? Just respect the process and get yours the hard way. I heard it once said, nothing in life worth having comes cheap or easy. I am so proud of my boys today... they did what they had to do today. They fought and gave it their all and in the process, they got a W. 

The job I have currently is a bad one. I have cleared 1K in a bi-monthly check twice in the 5 months I've been here. Nowhere near the pay they promised me. I still respect the process and I'm looking for another job. My ex is facing an eviction in two weeks if she doesn't come up with 1K. My checks are so minimal I am overdrafted by Saturday if I get paid on Friday. I can't help her in the least. My car payments are two months behind and I can't even catch that up. I realize.... you have to want success as badly as you want to breathe. I want success badly. It's not about money, prestige in the job, or position in the company. Success to me is the ability to support oneself and loved ones by working in a field you would do even if you were working for free. I'm going to get better. I deserve better. I KNOW better. If doing trash pick up is going to make my kids stable and happy, I will gladly pick up trash everyday if that's what it takes. I want success. I want to breathe it in. My mantra for years has been respect the process.... I still do and I always will. Everything has a process. As day falls, night begins. For good, there is evil. For summer, there is winter. All these things are cyclical. Each has a proper announcement and place. Respect all of these. In life, there is peace and there is chaos. Which one resides in your life? It's up to you. All of my problems are only chances to make me work harder. As Bruce Lee said (I mentioned this in a previous post):

Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. 




Adapt and live... or be rigid and die. I refuse to stop until I am successful. Whatever it takes, my son will have a suit in his closet. My mom always says "Every gentleman must have a suit in his closet.". He will have one and I will make the appropriate sacrifices to make that happen.

They deserve it. They deserve all my love, sweat, tears, and life. I will make this happen. For them. They love me and I owe them my life. Simply put... how bad do I want it? Bad enough that I can't breath unless I get this right. 

Give of yourself, and you will get the world. When you can't give, give more. Push yourself... I promise the reward will be that much sweeter. 

With that said... Be water my friend.

As Seasons Change, So Do We

It's been quite a bit since my last post so let me bring you up to speed.

• I've become Head Coach of Junior Pee Wee with Leominster Pop Warner.
• Still working for Sprint (regretfully)
• I never did strap up with either team (Sabercats or Blue Raiders)

I had surgery about a month ago because I had appendicitis and it absolutely had to come out. I was out of work for about a week. That was a tough week. I'm not used to being dependent on others. The surgeon told me I should take two weeks off because of how 'invasive' the surgery was. I only saw that I needed  one week off.

A few thoughts, that I have had since my last post.

As I watch the leaves change, I realize that my life is changing as well. I look back to my twenties and I ask how did I do the things I used to. I look at from when I started this post and I see a defeated man. I was active in the church and had a direction. Yet, I felt that with being sick I couldn't be fully happy. When I started this, I was a Southern Baptist and now I am a spiritual journeyman. God resides in all things, even when we are wrong He is always there... waiting for us. 

I think about all the violence in the world and the natural destruction that is happening and I see looming in the distance, 2012. December 23rd to be exact. I'm not a survivalist or looking to definitely die, but you have to wonder what the hell is going on? Is it for real? We will find out in a little over a year won't we?

If we examine our lives as we hit our thirties, some (not all) of us will see that the world around us is not the same one we grew up in. When I was a child, we would go out and play all day. Sun up til sundown. Our parents never worried. They didn't have to worry much about the dangers of child abductions or children doing stupid stuff as we do now. There is a difference now. Growing up there was almost an understanding of community of one. My friends' parents would look out for me as if I was their own. Even people that merely knew my parents would look out for me. I still feel the same way now as an adult. That's why I volunteer to work with children. Some parents have this me and mine mentality. Almost as if to say 'I couldn't care less what happens to your child, as long as mine is okay.' The age of recklessness no long stops in our twenties. Now, it carries even into older generations. It's the mantra I've heard some say 'If you knew better you'd do better.' Some never had a parent or adult to teach them to want better so they are just 'comfortable' in their own ways... even if it is detrimental to everyone around them. Some don't feel the need to look out for others around them for fear of backlashing or criticism from that person. A community is what is needed in our world. Even if it means ruffling a few feathers. We must invest in ourselves to prevent further generations from having this dilemma. 

Last year, I made a goal. To say what truly was in my heart if asked.I have held to that statement and I haven't waivered yet. In fact, I even tell people it's okay to ask me questions because I don't hold back.

I want so many things still for my life. I still hope to DJ once again. I hope to still strap up and go after that ring. We accept defeat so easily because it seems easier than trying again. On Facebook, so many people will  post their world but won't address the issue with the people they are talking about. In current times, it seems easier to hide behind a computer screen than to address it face to face. I guess people must really think life needs to be easy. We are all guilty of it. It's not wrong or right it's just not true. We have to fight for every inch. Take each morsel of life and savor it. Recognize the beauty of everything you do. There is no day... like today.

No day but today... start now and live like it's your last. You can and you will make it. Why? Cause we will do it together.

Sidelines Vs. Gridirons

This is the hardest thing I have come across. Hands down.

I have come to learn so much in the past few days... Well, weeks actually. I see that my brothers on two different football teams, Twin City Blue Raiders and Gardner Sabercats are enjoying winning records, and I am on the sidelines as a coach of a Pop Warner team. I'd love to play semi-pro again, but I question if I can play.

On one hand, there is a coach who says they have seen me play and he knows I have heart and I am an animal on the field. On another hand, some of the guys I used to play with remember what I was to the Leominster Razorbacks. I'm a valued player... even now.

Let's be clear, I haven't strapped up since last October... but the memories of those I talked to know that I am all about the science of the game. I break it down and analyze it each down of the game. Everyone knows that.

Stepping on the field is my dream. Chasing that ring... the ring I've dreamed about for years. In 2005, I walked away from football for my job with Verizon Wireless and that same year they won the NEFL crown. I've regretted it ever since. I need that ring. I need to win that ring. By any means necessary.

What will I do? My phone is starting to blow up, people ask me at the field why 'I'm not on the field as a player' even asking about next year!

Sideline vs. Gridiron.... can I do both again? After what I know now... I honestly don't know. Coaching is fun, but playing is personal. How can I go from captain of a semi-pro team to being offered equipment manager? Can't do it. But to be respected enough to be asked for by name is a humbling experience. As in a player and coach for a semi-pro team.

Where to go? What to do? Like the title of one of my fave Kevin Costner films For The Love Of The Game. That's why. Gotta clear my head.

By any means necessary.

As I sit here and watch NFL Network I ask myself, can I do it? Can I be what I always wanted to be? Damn right. I'm mentally tough and can hit hard still.... at the young age of 32.

It's time to decide... sideline vs gridiron.

What to do...??

In time... it will come. I pray God gives me the strength to make the right one.

What I Miss The Most In Life...

WOW!! Hello everyone (well, the 3 or 4 people who actually read these posts). It's been a few months since I last wrote. I've been really busy. Let me share what has been going on.

1: I got a job managing a Sprint location. The pay kinda sucks, but I make due.

2: I've moved into a house.

3.: I got a dog.

3: I've decided to NOT play football with the Gardner Sabercats.

4: I am slowly... losing... my... mind.

Now, I can say I'm happy to be working. However, I don't get paid NEARLY enough to do this job. As a Verizon Wireless employee, I made GREAT money and had excellent benefits. With this job the insurance alone is $375.00 a month. Yup, not good. I do get a very flexible schedule and I can still coach Pop Warner. So I deal with the pay.

**NOTE: DO NOT DO RETAIL FOR YEARS ON END BECAUSE YOU WILL GET TYPECAST !!!

I applied for many jobs over the years and I can assure you that you will get stuck in retail almost forever!!

I have moved into a house and it is in a great location. I hated it at first, but now that I've lived there for a few months I do appreciate it more. At night, you can see plenty of stars, as our road is nowhere near a main road. The house inside is very hard to maintain and keep clean (which is a hard task in and of itself). Colin Cowie once said (and I paraphrase) "A messy home means a messy mind. So why not clean your home, organize it and you'll feel happier.". That stuck with me. It's been 6 years since I heard him say that and I try to stay true to it. Of course I can't do it alone, but it's hard to manage. When the home is messy, I just don't want to be there. It creates an anxiety that I can't describe. Who doesn't feel better after they can sit down after a long day in a clean home? Everything just feels right. since moving I can't say I feel that same "AHHHHHH" feeling. It's more like a hectic "I gotta get this done!!!!! As in right now!!!" type of feeling.
I honestly hate that feeling. My shoulders are always tense when I get home...

Onto my dog, her name was Princess (YUCK!!!) so I changed it to Mocha. She is an American Pit Bull Terrier with a Shih Tzu mind. She is the most loveable dog ever!!! I just love her to pieces!! She has a brown coat with white on her chest. The reason why I say a Shih Tzu mind is cause she almost never barks and she loves to sit on mine or Heather's lap... problem is she is almost sixty pounds and she is almost five feet tall... at 10 months. Also, she is afraid of Maverick... our cat! Now understand he is a Maine Coon cat and weighs twenty pounds. Cute as heck though. Right now, Mocha is on the tail end of her period... it is the most disgusting thing ever!! She drips all over the place so we are always cleaning it up. We should buy stock in the Swiffer WetJet!! That aside, she is the usual puppy. You know, like chewing up stuff (like two pairs of my sandals, plastic bowls, cups, clothes). Yup, just a usual puppy.

NFL Head Coach 09

Football is my life. I actually have fun playing NFL Head Coach (which I just bought again for PS3). I enjoy developing plays and watching it come to "life" in the game... as well as coaching Pop Warner. I have been off the Topamax for two months now and I haven't experienced migraines in a while... unless I get the slightest bit stressed then it's game over. I couldn't afford the 'non-insurance' payments of $386.00 a month. I started getting the shakes again... So I took myself off the roster for the Sabercats. I hate that I did it... but health comes first. Everytime I see a status update about my friends playing for the Twin City Blue Raiders or the 'Cats, my heart sinks. I just miss it like I'd miss breathing. Football makes me better. Playing and fighting for that common goal of winning, making a first down, stopping a run. It is a feeling like no other. I'd even say it's like having sex for the first time...only better. And I'd get that rush every play... every time. Football is like my girlfriend that is also my best friend and knows where to hit me where it hurts. As a coach, I'm always trying to figure out what the other coach is going to run... I want to know what she is thinking. As a player, I want that rock!!!... I want to figure out how to get her ready so I can have my way. Only football players know this feeling so it may sound strange to you... or even demented. Most football players have it. Even if I can't have her, I just want to be near her... I know, I know... most won't understand.

Losing my mind... yup... I am. I think about getting old and I can't take it. I think about what if I have Parkinsons.. which came up as an option. Who would care for me? My eyes would show that I am sharp as ever... but my body wouldn't be able to keep up... scared isn't even close to what I feel. It is so hard to have everyone depend on you for strength and they can't hold up themselves without help... why am I the fall guy? I am maintaining my own, but how can I be Atlas at the same time? I can't hold up the world as well? I don't mind being an ear... or even a shoulder but to be responsible for saving someones' well being is just too much!!! No one understands that but me...

It's summer and Pop Warner is calling my name again... I wish I could coach a semi-pro team but that is not to be right now. Maybe one day I'll have the money to buy one and I will be able to coach... We start on August 1st in Pop Warner... so I guess coaching Pop Warner will have to do.

As Always,

Duckie

Feel free to comment or subscribe... not that anyone does but I say it after every post...

Love Evolves Everywhere, Everyone, Everything

Over the past few weeks I’ve had to question myself and wonder… what really is this thing called… Love? When I was sixteen I thought I knew. I would meet a girl and then “poof” LOVE! Or I’d see a video game I wanted and “poof” LOVE! I had really no clue. What is the idea behind it? Where does it stem from? The figurative heart? Or head?

As teens, we fall in “love” with our first, second, third…. Significant other and we plan ahead to be together for a long time because we don’t have the life experiences to understand that, sometimes things have an ending. If you’ve only been to a lake, you cannot comprehend the ocean can you? Nope.

I remember my first break up. I was like Denise Huxtable. Goodness. Remember that breakup? All she did was keep walking around the house singing that stupid song all the time? Everyone kept telling me ‘You’re only in like with her, not in love with her. She’s your first not your last. Trust me.’ Even her mother told me that. I didn’t believe that. Believe me, I’ve had quite a few girlfriends in between. *Insert my smiling here*

Is it that I was naïve to think that I would find someone else one day? Doubtful. I like to think I was just young. Too young.


LOVE OF MUSIC

Ever since I can remember, I have ALWAYS had this love affair with music. If it has a beat I will give it a listen. When I was five, my kindergarten class went to the middle school in Lunenburg to get an introduction to musical instruments. I heard and saw the Alto Saxophone. (INSERT PIC OF ALTO SAX) I fell in love. There was no ‘like’ here. It was love at the age of five. I even asked the kid if I could just touch his saxophone. I remember that day. HAHA! It was funny. I will never forget that day. I couldn’t even pick up a saxophone til seventh grade. Which would be seven years later, I held on to that love for all that time.

I started playing in seventh grade and I loved it, then I ‘discovered’ jazz band. Swing music. Oh… my… God. REALLY! Improv jazz! YOU’RE TELLING ME I CAN MAKE UP SOLOS WITHIN A SONG!!!! I was for sure hooked!!! One problem… I sucked. I didn’t know fingerings, keys, I couldn’t read music to save my life… I worked at it and worked at it. Every relationship needs work. This one needed a lot of it. I knew that as a seventh grader. My music teacher even said to me that I may want to try something else for a bit first until I got the hang of reading music. I was desperate to figure it out. Very desperate.

By sophomore year, I was much better after practicing my butt off and working at it. Love requires work, patience, and time to grow understanding and to be understood by others. As it did with my tonality and harmony with the band. As I said in an earlier post… anger, took my love from me. I put my hand through a window and it derailed my musical career. All that hard work… gone. I was a DJ later on in life for a bit with was a lot of fun and I loved it just as much as my “first” love. Still, the lesson is that if I had kept my cool I may have never lost my first love to begin with.

LOVE OF SELF

This is the EXACT opposite of love of others. It takes a long time for most to have this. Others make it hard to love self and they plant that seed of doubt that can leave you doubting the love you should have in your abilities or self. It is THIS love that is paramount to all others. Love for yourself should not, must not, cannot be taken away. If you love yourself no one can take your swag, confidence, whatever you want to call it and it shows. Hands down.

LOVE OF FAMILY

When I was younger, I always hated that my family was big. There were far too many people that were always in my business and wanting to be up in everything I did. No matter what I thought or felt, everyone had an opinion of what I did. The older I got, the worse it became. Either way, I love my family just the same. When it comes to loving family, sometimes you just have to let go. If they do nothing but criticize your every move and refuse to let you grow as an individual, you must move on and let things go. If you look to my past blog post about my sister who said nasty things about my daughter… it’s been about four years since we have said more than five or six words to one another. I highly doubt I will say anything more than that to her ever. Sometimes it’s best to let things fall apart than to lose it all trying to save one.

LOVE OF BEING RIGHT

This is the best one. It’s (for the most part) a necessity a point of reference to find one self at the winning end of an argument to feel accomplished at the end of the day. I for one… am not. I used to be. It takes learning and practice to un-train your mind to need that feeling. When it comes to religion, politics, self, sports, or family values most times these are hot buttons. I find myself a target of argument or ridicule. I feel strongly about all of them. Do I need to argue with everyone about them? Nope. I am always being verbally ‘pushed’ by someone about something sometime. I am usually easygoing about most things but honestly, I don’t care that much about being right. I only care about being. Simply being.

LOVE, LIVE, LEARN

Many people have variations on ‘love’. It all depends. There are circumstances on what they in fact love. Any of these can push a person to act a sertain way. Love can give way to hate. Love for someone or something can make a person hate anything that will stand in the way of that love. It’s the maturity and experience level that will make someone stand up and see what is important. Which love is important? What matters the most?

Henry Thoreau was so tired of the bougeoise way of life and the people arould him that he had to leave. He said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

Live, you must live…. Quite simply…. There is no time like now to live. I will share another quote from Bruce Lee.

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I say this, water evolves and adapts. No matter what happens it will simply be. If the temperature is too hot, the molecules dance and vapor is formed and the water escapes. If the water cools to freezing, the molecules huddle together and stop moving to become ice. Learn to be water. Never stop learning.

More importantly, NEVER EVER EVER, stop loving yourself… ever. If no one else loves you, love yourself. It’s a start.

Stop… Look… Listen…

A break from the norm is much needed. Yes, a break from your regularly scheduled daily BS and abnormal lives is needed. Newscasts…stop. Music… stop. Workouts….stop! Job searching…. stop! Arguing… stop! Conversations… stop! Everything… stop!

There is a world going on outside. A world that is destroying itself. We as a people that are destroying each other, and as I am sitting here typing a tsunami is destroying part of Japan. Libya is at war, America is STILL at war abroad and here with Republicans vs. Democrats/Westboro Baptist Church vs. EVERYONE/Christians vs. Atheists/Tea Party vs. I have no idea/ insert your cause vs. insert their cause. Why? How? What is going on? We need to stop this madness!!! The mass media can’t do anything but incite fear and pandemonium about chaos and destruction around the world. It’s time to stop!! The world is slowly shifting due to global warming or whatever (I’m not a scientist) and we are shifting towards a dualist society where one side absolutely HAS TO be right and THE OTHER side has to be wrong. Where exactly is OUR FAULT LINE? When two sides are pushing one another, a shift happens and an earthquake occurs. It is time to stop.

Tupac Shakur once said in an interview (and I’m paraphrasing loosely here) that he compared black culture and music to black people being hungry for change like they are knocking on a door for food. They know that there’s people in there eating because when people answer the door saying that they don’t have any, they see an over-abundance of it as they are having food fights and throwing it around all over the place. They are literally singing for food. They aren’t given any. As the days turn to months, they get hungrier and as they get hungrier, the singing turns to yelling and thus… more demanding.

The time has come for the world to change. We need it. The world itself is calling for it. Is anyone looking?

Why? It’s time to listen and take a cue from nature. There is a season for everything. A time to heat up, a time to cool off. We need to listen to one another. No one takes anyone else seriously. It is so important for each side to be right and “IN MY PAST I WAS TREATED AND TOLD "________________"

The now is called the present for a reason… it is a gift for you. It is not a guarantee. Two eyes to look, two ears to listen, and one mouth to talk. The reason for that is so that you will think twice before you say anything. That is the design of things.

Listen to silence. No radios, no talking, just hear what is inside of yourself. That’s your heart and soul communicating. It’s the human spirit ringing. It’s a call to arms screaming out ‘I CAN’T TAKE IT!!’ It’s time to stand together and fix this. We need each other, the world needs us. We need to end the hate. Stop the pain that we are inflicting on one another and bring ourselves peace within our own hearts and minds and then we can fix others around us. It’s like when we get on a plane and they are giving us the pre-flight instructions, they tell us to put on our oxygen masks first then check our children. It seems backwards, but do it. We need to be safe in order to check others right? If we aren’t safe, we can’t save others.

Time is of the essence… Stop, look, listen… take your life back. Then take the time to check on someone else who may need you to help them take theirs back and then we can save little by little…

Ain't No Grave

This week has been kind of strange to say the least. I’ve done a lot of thinking. It’s had me alone in a dark place. Not in a bad way. Just thinking about my whole thirty-two years on this planet and all the people I’ve met and places I’ve been. The blessings (and curses) I have endured and had.

I think back to the car accident I was in on Mill Street back in October 1997 where I flew from the car through the windshield and onto the street after hitting my head.

I think back to the death of my son, Anthony Daniel Lee Ducksworth, August 14th, 1997-August 17th, 1997.

I thought about my abuelo, Magoo that died on my son, Da’lin’s birthday seven years ago.

I think about how my mother gave me to my grandparents after three months because I wasn’t wanted. I’ve heard many stories as to how that came to be, but they are far too numerous to mention here and actually, too personal to mention.

I think about Bryan B., a friend of mine who committed suicide on Thanksgiving Eve in 1994 because he felt alone and had no one to talk to. I still have his obituary in my photo album. I look at it from time to time.

Let’s cover some of these and I’m sure I’ll hit some others.

One Day We’ll Be Together Again

Anthony Daniel Lee Ducksworth, my oldest son would be turning 14 this year. His mother and I were together for a while back when I was a senior in high school. We had a pretty good relationship, but it was shaky at times because I wanted different things than she did. We broke up after I cheated on her. She was one and a half month pregnant. I was young and stupid with no sense of morals and had no interest in a serious relationship period. All I wanted to do was to be there for this child. She and I tried to remain civil to one another throughout the pregnancy, but I met another woman. This girl was everything I wanted. My ex, was now five months along and I was leaving for a two week vacation with my new girlfriend and her family. My ex was needless to say… not happy. The vacation went well and I did call my ex during the first week to check in. However, the second week I did not. I came back August 19th and called her as soon as I got back… that’s when she proceeded to tell me that she went into premature labor and they had to take the baby. His heart was weak and he had a hole in it to boot. They would need a few weeks for his respiration to get stronger before they could operate. It was highly risky. She was alone and didn’t know what to do so she said okay. He died three days later. She tried to page me but I didn’t call her back. I was out of range. It was on me. I should have been there but wasn’t. That was the last conversation we would have for a year. On the one year anniversary of Anthony’s death, she told me he was a boy and his name… we agreed if it was a boy what his name would be. We met for lunch… well me and like six of her friends. It was awkward, but I made it through it. We would not speak for twelve long years until 2009. We are good friends now. I’ve found out some more information about Anthony. He was cremated and was taken away. She didn’t want the pictures taken or anything. She just wanted it over. I felt horrible. Fourteen years later there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. The day that he died I heard Together Again by Janet Jackson for the first time. I swear it's him talking to me even now. I can see him dancing in Heaven with his uncle. One day I'll get to throw the football with him just like I do with Da'lin. When Da'lin was four he started telling me about his brother visiting him in his room, and his name is Anthony. I never mentioned him until he asked me.


 I never saw my oldest son. Kicker of this story? My mother used to tell me and my sisters about our older brother who died because of a hole in his heart when he was a baby. What was his name? My sons’ namesake… Anthony.

Speaking of my mother, we have gotten over the whole giving me away thing so that has no bearing on my life now. It just makes me think of how it has shaped my life. I was just not a part of her plan. Not to mention, I am so grateful to my grandparents for taking me in because they didn’t have to. They could have left me to foster care but they stepped up.

Hell On Wheels

I was hell on wheels as a teen. I knew it all and said it all. At eighteen (three months before Anthony died) I got into an argument with my grandfather over of all things… where to park in the driveway. Now, bear in mind… I had my senior concert that night (I played sax and tuba). We screamed all the way to the front door. He swung and hit me in the head. I didn’t want to hit him so instead… I hit the plate glass in the door. It cost me everything. Seventy-seven stitches in my right hand and three torn tendons. I had five hours of reconstructive surgery. They wanted to cut the whole hand of because gangrene had set in on the outside of my hand because I lost so much blood so fast. I was lifeflighted to Worcester from Leominster. They did one hell of a job in fixing my hand. Pain can’t describe the surgery. Six months of rehab and an air cast. I took my finals writing with my left hand and I played the tuba left handed at graduation. To this day, the outside of my right hand is numb.

Death is NOT the only way out.

Bryan B. is someone from my childhood that I met as a fourteen year old. We were introduced by a mutual friend over the summer of ’94. He liked our mutual friend a lot. She was a pretty girl, but she was kind of flighty. She never stuck to one guy for too long. She was a year younger than us. Bryan was a really nice guy. He came from a good family and he just needed… well, I really don’t know. We hung out some with our mutual friend over the summer and through the fall. Then, our mutual friend met someone. Bryan was a little upset. That was around Halloween. Thanksgiving came and Bryan called me. He asked me to ask my parents if he could sleep over. I asked if my parents if he could sleep over and they didn’t care. They met him a few times and they thought he was a nice kid. His parents told him to wait until after Thanksgiving dinner then he could stay over. He was mad about it and we talked on the phone for about an hour and I told him not to worry about it. He was really mad for some reason. All I told him was ‘we’ll talk about it tomorrow and his family just wants to spend time with him.’ I promised to talk the next day. He told me I was his closest friend and I understood him the most. I said that was kind of strange because we only had been friends for a few months. He and I hung up. I called the next day. Brian’s mom answered the phone and that’s when I found out he took his own life sometime in the middle of the night. My first experience with death. I was the last person he apparently talked to on this earth. That was seventeen years ago. He took a lot of pills and washed it down with some alcohol and that was it. He left a note… still no idea why. At the funeral, his mom said he talked about me a lot. All I ever did was offer an ear. That was it. In the few months I knew him, I just listened.


In the days of THE SOCIAL NETWORK

In these days, I see so many posts and news articles where people post cryptic things about suicide and such.

Facebook Suicide
Facebook Bullying




When did social networking become the substitution for friendship and actual counseling? I understand therapeutic, but writing that you want to kill yourself doesn’t solve much via Facebook. Pick up the phone and call someone who can help. Friendship is valued and should be cashed in at will. A true friend will be there, as long as it’s not abused. Reach out and call a friend. Even better call your mother, I call my 73 year old grandmother! I usually don’t like what she has to say, but that old wisdom has seen quite a few things. Instead of taking it to Facebook, head to a Face…LOOK! Family has got your back. If they don’t, then that’s all good too.


One thing is certain…uncertainty

Why does everyone have to speak different languages? It makes me so mad when I’m trying to tell someone something and they swear up and down that I’m saying something different. I know what I’m trying to say. If you don’t get it, ask me to explain it differently don’t just tell me what I’m saying.

The song in the link above You Don’t Know Me by Armand Van Helden has lyrics that mean something to me:


I don't ask for nothing
I'm always holding my own
Every time I turn around, there's something
People talking 'bout what they don't know
And when I try to move on up
They're always pullin' me down
I'm tired and I've had enough
It's my life, and i'm living it now

You don't even know me (ohh, you dont know me)
You say that I'm not livin' right (you don't understand the way
that I feel)
You don't understand me (you can't even see my pain)
So why do you judge my life (oohhh you don't know)

 
No one listens anymore. Well, most don’t that I know anyways. I only know what I am. I have no idea about anyone else. We all are certain about what we can do for ourselves.



Still No Grave

I think about last October and the conversations I had with my family. Ain’t No Grave was to be played as the pallbearers carried my coffin out. That was the plan. Come to find out, there is no brain tumor. There are so many times I was supposed to not make it. I planned on the worst. That ws how it was. Everyone was nice to me and supportive... once there was no tumor and just a migraine disorder, it was back to normal... for some people. Not for me. I now know that life is too short... there is no time for crap and disorder. Make the necessary changes and do something to enjoy the sunshine. Or live in the dark. Either way, know your surroundings and learn them. Get comfortable with them. Don't get stagnant. As we all know, life can't exist in stagnant water.




Click to learn the story of The Phoenix

  I was always fascinated by the phoenix and I even had it put on my class ring. The phoenix always rose from the ashes even better than before. No matter the circumstances. I’ve been to my own personal hell, and I’m still there now in some ways. Some people keep me there, some are trying to bring me out. There is still no grave that can hold this broken body down… not yet anyways. As the phoenix, I will rise again.

Time Will Tell

As I watched the past few days of the NFL Scouting Combine I have to ask myself ‘Is it really possible to play again this year? After TWENTY SEVEN complex partial seizures, in the month of October is it legitimately possible to step back onto the gridiron and play?’ I had the tests and the doc says yes. I asked her flat out, can I play and she said yes.

People ask me ‘Why would I go back to play with all the issues I have?’ All I can say is, these issues I have also are caused by stress as well. People give me lots of stress too and that doesn’t cause a problem. So at least I can do something I love and I can control. Stress in fact is worse for me than impact I think. Laying the hit stick on someone is euphoric in ways I cannot begin to tell you. Getting yelled at, or being told what to do as a grown man, or told what you are doing wrong constantly, or just dealing with everyday stress is just plain awful and damaging. Everyone needs some type of release regardless of condition. Let’s talk football.

To be honest, I was a fair-weather football enthusiast until I became a coach 3 years ago. I knew football, I liked football but I didn’t KNOW football. Once I became an assistant coach for Tiny Mites (6-7 year olds) I learned a lot from the Head Coach. He was/is a very well versed man. I’m sad to say… I didn’t even know all the positions that well. I just laid back and watched. I pretended to know. As I watched him, I learned. One problem. He had a job. He is a firefighter and he sometimes had to work so the other coaches and I had to take over play-calling and running drills and such. The one thing I am good at is taking a scientific approach to whatever I set out to do. This was it. Once I did that, I was hooked. The Head Coach decided not to put in for the next year, I stepped up for the next year. Once I took over Junior Pee Wee 2, I was sold out. I created a playbook with over ONE HUNDRED pages of plays, drills, and techniques to teach these kids. It wasn’t about winning. It was about winning. It was (and still is) about teaching. I want these kids to think. I want them to know positions, gaps, gap responsibility, holes, techniques. Yes, at the age of 9. We didn’t win one game last year. Not one. But guess what? I took fifteen kids (twelve of them never played football before) and I could add in a new play, formation, and technique MIDGAME and we could do it successfully! Yeah, mark of good coaching. All of the kids were doing good in school and respecting each other and their parents. A few coaches I look up to are:

Tom Landry

Vince Lombardi

Bill Belichick

(Don’t get me started on Spygate) Mangini is a punk and he used the same camera guy the week before. He even used the same guy when he was with us here in New England so that crap doesn’t fly with me. Execution wins games, not just play calling. Read The Education Of A Coach.

Bill Parcells

If you ever get the chance to watch Reflections On A Life In Football on NFL Network definitely do. It is really good.











Where do I see life taking me? I have no idea. I’m still looking for a job. I’m actually on LinkedIN, Monster, CareerBuilder, and I check CraigsList from time to time but I’m sketched out by it because I would think most companies would use reputable newspapers or job search engines rather than Craigslist. Time will tell if I can come up with something.

Last topic for today… Truth in self.

No matter what people may think, I don’t have to be right. I just know who I am. I am one of those people who absolutely annoy others because I have spent so much time analyzing what works for me and what doesn’t that I have no problem telling people no or yes because if I don’t like it, I just don’t like it and that’s that. Hate it or love it. Maybe it’s the ease with which I do it that comes off as me being a jerk? I think it’s not fair when people do things to ‘make someone feel better’ or ‘to appease someone elses ego’ because then you will be expected to do it all the time and eventually you will grow to resent that person or you will grow to hate that thing because you won’t give it a fair shot because it was never in your time. It was ‘forced’ on you.

A part of knowing who you are, people will talk about you. It happens to me all the time. I really don’t care about that. People I care about talk about me. They call me Duck for a reason. That stuff rolls off of me usually like water rolls off of a Duck’s back. Since I know the person I am, there isn’t a person who knows me better than me. If I write a book, who is gonna tell me what I meant when I wrote the ending? They can’t. I have to stay the course and be true to myself always. Even when other people hate me for it I just have to stay the course. Sucks, but it is just the facts.

It kills me to hear complaining over the same things without trying anything. If you’re doing the best you can to change it, then keep complaining. I’ll be there to listen and I’ll even complain with you. Why complain if you aren’t changing anything? Or goodness, don’t complain if you don’t want me to say anything. ESPECIALLY if you’re gonna complain about the same thing you complain about everyday. As my old Drill Sergeant used to say, don’t tell me fifteen different ways to run the flag up the damn pole, just run the flag up there!! In other words, if you never do it don’t say a word. Don’t bother saying what you’re gonna do if you aren’t going to do anything. Life is hard enough to live for ourselves, sometimes all we have is ourselves… work hard to get through the darkness or navigate by YOUR OWN FAITH! Complaining about it all the time will serve no one. Standing in the dark and screaming about it will:

A) Leave you still in the dark
B) Get you nowhere
C) Is just plain silly
D) Shows that you have no faith in yourself
E) Are co-dependent on someone else and need to get a grip

Football is a science that is always changing and the variables are never, ever the same and can make you crazy as a player, coach, spectator, and fan. I am blessed to be all four at the same time on the youth, semi-pro, and professional levels. Wow! That’s a lot to say.

I know all these things. I believe all these things. Let me ask you… What do you believe?

Moving Onto What Everything Is

You know, I’m fairly certain someday someone will find my life interesting enough to make a movie of my life… that is a fact. True story. Anyone know a screen writer? HAHA!

Part of yesterdays’ blog was about the team I will be playing for, the Gardner Sabercats. Let me tell you. That has been a journey as well. My ear is TOTALLY bent from that as well. Watching this team develop has been so hard since it’s inception last year. The owner is one of my good friends (as I said yesterday) and he was very concerned about the team not making it. Rightfully so of course but I knew it would. I believe he knew in the back of his mind he was sure it would too.

That’s my number in the picture, number sixty. This year, we are looking simply to make a playoff run. The rest will be bonus. Should we win it all… fantastic. The motto, a team above all. Above all a team. Yeah, sounds good don’t it? I’m the interim webmaster for the team right now as well as the webmaster for Leominster Pop Warner. It’s a lot of work. Trust me.

The Goal (In Depth)
If you were to go back to my goal, and re-read what I wrote back in the blog entitled Simply Being, you will find what I listed as my one goal starting that day. I’ve only counted the success days since 31December2010. Let me refresh your memory.

*Taken from Simply Being by Me* Blog post from 15Dec

'I'm going to start a trend. I'm gonna call out all backstabbers going forward. There are people who talk about me behind my back and I know it. It is unhealthy to be two-faced. I don't mind if people don't like me cause my brazen approach isn't exactly for everybody, but why pretend to be cool with me if they were just spreading rumors and gossip about me? I plan to make whoever it was extremely uncomfortable until they come clean about it. For example, let's say someone says that I am a liar to Person A **NOTE**AS LONG AS I KNOW FOR SURE AND IT'S PROVEN AND IS FROM A REPUTABLE SOURCE** then comes to talk to me at a party while I'm conversing with another friend. I'm going to calmly say to this person "Since you feel it is okay to say that I am a liar to Person A what makes you think it's okay to talk to me as if we are friends?" and leave it. This will leave it up to that person to come clean. It is time for people to start being real with one another. Honest. Stop lying and be straight up. It's cool not to like someone, just tell them. They can handle it. If someone says something about someone else, it don't matter. Gossip is not cool and it has no place in this world. We have to stop it. A clear stance has to be made.'

The reason why I am retelling you this, is because I am going to share with the readers (how many or few of you a text conversation between someone in my old church and Heather, my girlfriend. Why? It is simply because of my goal. I was judged. My feelings were being judged and rather than coming to me… this person decided to take it to her… see for yourself. Let me remind you, for three weeks I hadn’t been to church cause in prayer I had been hearing ‘Do not go to that church anymore. Wait, see what I have in store for you.’ Then, the night before the following text transpired all I could hear was… ‘Tomorrow, something will happen between you and Heather that will change the course of your life’ Here are the texts exactly as they were sent:

(Me) is Heather and (HIM) is the person from the church.

Me: I think I am suppose to work Gods kitchen tonight and I won’t be getting out of work until 445. So I won’t be there until 545

HIM: I will let Bro ***** know. How are you doing? Missed you yesterday. Would have texted you but thought maybe you and Dan were getting tired of me bugging you.

Me: I slept through the alarm…been really tired lately. Don’t know what’s wrong other than I now have double the work load at work

HIM: that doesn’t help

Me: I don’t know if I can do Gods kitchen anymore. I’m missing out on overtime cause I have to leave and if I don’t come in early enough I have to take leave to make it there

HIM: God’s Kitchen is between you and God. I am only going to say this once. You have to work to pay your bills, rent, and utilities. Otherwise you will be out on the street. Overtime is part of that requirement at this time. However, supposedly you have a person who claims to be your partner, fiancé, equal. Saying that, if he is wanting to be your man he should help out when you have a commitment you can’t make because you are working so that he can have a place to keep warm. There, I have said enough. I will shut up.

**END OF CORRESPONDENCE**


Now, here are a few kickers…

1. She didn’t volunteer for this God’s kitchen thing. God’s kitchen is feeding the homeless three nights a week. (Heather had Mondays)This person actually lives less than a mile from the church where God’s kitchen takes place and could have done it.

2. This person guilted her into doing God’s kitchen. He fed her the doom and gloom thing. Do your part… BLAH BLAH BLAH! There are only 8 or 9 members in the church though who can do things and they were already ran thin.

3. The worst one of them all…. Heather never even asked me to do it for her. If she had, I would have fed the homeless in her place.

4. I was the custodian of the church. I cleaned the church for free. I was supposed to be paid, but hadn’t been paid in seven weeks and didn’t say a word. I drove 8 miles each way wasting (well, not really wasting) gas to clean God’s house for free and the PASTOR of this church was telling someone other than me that I was basically mooching. Nice.

So, am I wrong? Heather showed me this and I was needless to say not happy. She wasn’t either. She understood that I wasn’t and she explained to me that this was not the first time that he said off color things about me. I was a little upset because there was no reason to tell me one thing and tell her something different. I was not the least bit surprised by his actions though. This was my mentor and the man who was telling me that I was going 'to take over as Associate Pastor one day' and ‘God had shown him’ these things. Let me share this with you all, God speaks to all of us. God spoke to Daniel just like He spoke to Moses. Daniel (held court with kings) and Moses (who was a murderer) just the same. It’s He who chooses, not we.

Religion is so hard because how can someone say “God told me, but not you? God gave to me, but not you? God told me His plan for you, but not you?” That's what was happening to me. That's why people... Young people leave the church. It is up to us each as individuals to decide what works for us. My goal has worked for me. I put out there why I left the church and these are my feelings. I had to put it out there.

When it comes to the Bible as well, it’s science and the Bible, science OR the Bible. It can’t be sometimes one and sometimes the other. I remember I was teaching Bible study and there was a half hour argument yes, I said ARGUMENT with him on a study question as to how I was wrong in an answer about which disciple I was more like. Then, science was brought into the discussion. I was wondering when L. Ron Hubbard walked into the room? I knew then and there it was time to go. God created the Heavens and the Earth. That is all the science. I think He wants healthy discussion among us about what is in His book. What I don’t think, is He wants is for any one man to be a know-it-all and to think he has the cure all and the insight of the Bible.


Life As I Know It

Each day, I worry more and more with everything that passes. My son just turned ten as of 13January.

Da'lin (Xander) Alexander

Mirieanah (Mimi) Alessa

My daughter just turned four as of 21February.

I am thirty-two and have no career, no direction other that being a great orator, a musical connoiseur, a fairly good DJ (with no equipment mind you), and a science for the game of football. All of which is good for just about nothing. I feel like I’m the bottom of the glass of unmixed Kool-Aid. You ever tried to drink that? It’s bitter… UGH! Or I feel like a great song with no hook. It’s just a loop. I am starting to tell my son that there is a sense of urgency in his life because I wasted mine. I can’t do anything with mine because I’m too old at the age of thirty two (well, at least according to the world).

Never seen the movie, but the title seems to remind me of me… there truly is no country for old men. I feel like I am old because I have no home. I see everyone around me leaving off to do their jobs, lives, loved ones… while I am in slow motion. I see all these young bucks heading off to Afghanistan and the sad thing is… I’d trade with them. I’d go cause I need the job. I drove to Maine two months ago for a DHS (Dept of Homeland Security) job test and 45 out of the 49 other people there were active military in that session… I failed before I picked up my pencil. I think 13,000 took the test in total. I can’t win. I guess I should have brought Parker Lewis.

What do I tell my ten year old son?

 “Your Pops used to be in the Army you know? Yeah, it was under 180 days though so I’m not really a vet I’m only prior service. I can’t get the vet plates. I tell people sometimes that I am though cause it makes me feel better about myself. Prior service counts for something right?”

 I can hear him now….

“Not really Pops.”

 I’ve tried to make it right with myself, with the Army, with my heart… they want zero to do with me and that’s fine I guess. It makes me mad though because I can’t even give myself away now. At thirty two, I have a work ethic like no other, and I can’t even give myself away. That is pretty tragic. The recruiting station here in Leominster couldn’t run from me fast enough. The kid (yes, I said kid) that was assigned to be my recruiter had one of the guys I went to Basic with as his Drill Instructor. Yup, he’s a kid… and he has/had/wants no desire to help me at all. I think he never did . In fact, I don’t think he made one call on my behalf. If he did I never heard about it. What do I tell my daughter? In fifteen years, if she gets married could I afford to pay for her wedding and give her a princess’ wedding like I already know my princess deserves? Can her Pops be the father who will buy her the most unbelieveable prom dress because she wants it? Or will I be the broke father who everyone of her friends talks about? My son sees my eyes and he asks me almost daily am I okay… it gets harder and harder to say yes. Will I be able to buy my son all the best football equipment when he gets to high school? Leominster is a HUGE high school football community. I want him to succeed in ways I never could. I want him to make it. He is in AP classes ALREADY and is an Honor Roll student on track to go on to a great college (which he is talking about college now) so do I say scholarship or no college?When he gets his first girlfriend and wants to go on a date, will I be able to let him use the car? Or say ‘You’re gonna have to ask your mom you money to take a cab?’ What type of father am I? Will my kids ever know what it’s like to have a house with a yard and a swimming pool? To be able to have a birthday party in their own home? My grandmother said to me as a young man, “Every gentleman should have at least one suit in their closet.” Xander has almost out grown his. A father is supposed to provide that. What type of father am I? I feel like Muhammad Ali sometimes. Remember when he lit the torch at the Olympic games? It brought tears to my eyes.

Now, in no way am I comparing myself to The Greatest Of All Time, but Bob Costas says “Now, trapped behind that mask…” He calls it “…tragic.” I feel like that. I used to feel like I was young and full of life. I had time. At the age of thirty two I feel like I should be writing my own eulogy. Why? I don’t know.

My best friend texted me yesterday to tell me about a job. He said it’s not “the most glamorous job” but still it’s a job. I was said whatever it’s a job. It is for a part time dishwaster at the restaurant he works at. Let me say this upfront, as long as they pay me, I don’t care whatever the job is. I’m not too proud for any job. Then he tells me, the SIXTEEN YEAR OLD kid that quit the job felt he was too good for it and he was entitled to it. My heart sank and I felt about two inches tall. What do I tell my kids now? All I have been telling myself for the past twenty four hours is ‘What do you say now bottom feeder? Used to have a good job and now look at you! Start dumpster diving for jobs cause you’ll never get anything! You got talent but they don’t want talent they want college educations! They want experience! What they don’t want is YOU! You can’t even sell yourself to the Armed Forces AND IT’S WARTIME MAN!!! HOW USELESS ARE YOU!?!?!?!’In my eyes, there is a fire… a burning inferno that yearns to be… to set this world off! A passion to make light out of darkness. It is slowly getting dimmer everyday. Will it ever die out? I doubt it, but it is definitely getting dimmer. As I said yesterday, I see the world as they pass by and I ask myself, will everyone just be quiet for ONE MINUTE!!! Stop talking! Quit blaming each other! Give each other a chance. Reach across the table. Please! Please? Maybe someone like me could have a crack at bat? Cause I got nowhere else to go… That is how low it is…

As some of you know, I live with Heather. By not working, as a dark complexioned man (I am Puerto Rican/African American) and living with a light skinned woman who has a job… this is what runs through my mind…. Ready… in 3… 2… 1…

HERE’S ANOTHER TYPICAL NIGGER JUST TAKING FROM A WHITE GIRL WHO WORKS WHILE HE SITS ON HIS ASS ALL DAY PLAYING MADDEN! OH, AND I BET HE HAS KIDS BY A WHITE GIRL TOO! WAIT!! HE DOES!! PRICELESS!!! HE PROBABLY DOESN’T PAY CHILD SUPPORT EITHER HUH? NOPE? HAHA!!! THERE IT IS?!?!?! A DAMN TRIFECTA OF LOSER RIGHT THERE!!!!

Now, for those of you who don’t know… I get up at 0515 Monday through Friday to go get my kids so that Lynn (the mother of my two kids) can go to work for 7. I make them breakfast, get them off for school and all that. I do a lot. I was splitting everything down the middle until I lost unemployment. Still, without a job, I am that stereotype. Talk about pressure. All these thoughts are on my mind every… single… day. Without fail. How’s your day? Leave a comment or thought.

Here is… what it isn’t…

It’s been exactly… well, since 2010 since I wrote in this blog. I’ve been extremely busy. I have lots to tell. Many things have happened since then… LOTS. Let me start off with this. The title of my blog.

My Life With Epilepsy, God, And Football…

Catchy title isn’t it?? Well, the ‘episodes’ are pretty much non-existent now. I’m on 100mg of Topamax 2x/day and that is controlling my migraines pretty well. I’ve also given up smoking. Big weight (and cost) off of my shoulders that I wish I never even got started on in the first place. Sometimes, I still feel light headed, but I manage to maneuver through the day and make it just fine. I find myself getting angry though about where my life is at this point. I may start to ramble at this juncture so bear with me for a few…

I no longer attend any church nor am I even Baptist. I renounce my affiliation to the Baptist faith period. It’s sometimes the people in positions of power who make religion poisonous to the masses. Jesus came to this Earth to save us from ourselves. It’s far too tempting to man to use his authority to mistake for His authority. Understand? It happens all the time. Jesus was trying to teach us to let Him lead and us follow and to be the clay and let Him be the potter. I understand that’s a hard sell to the masses. When man tries to lead others, sometimes he wants to take direction from God (as he should) but his direction gets infused with his own inflection. I’ve seen this happen too many times and I’m all set. God is the one who directs my flow… my vision. I’m not by any means a prophet, a visionary, or anything of the sort… I will say this… there is no way I will set foot into a church again until God tells me to do so. I would probably go the way of Martin Luther and start my own religion before I set foot in another church. He commanded me to leave the last one because of the things that were happening there, and I won’t return to a church till such appointed time as He directs me to. I’ve talked with so many people and come to find out, so many people have put religion behind them because of the same issue. Gossip, backstabbing, poor leadership, misdirection, a slight of hand… God will guide His hand over His house and clean it. He always wins over mans’ passion of power. Every time. With that being said, I am a journeyman of faith… God directs my faith… a believer in the faith that Jesus died for my sins. I don’t need a label other than that. I don’t belong to a church nor a faith other than that. I once said what we do as believers can be someone elses salvation or damnation, hence why I have never become a deacon or a pastor. I think that all churches should adopt that same idea. In all my years, I’ve seen this same thing. So has everyone else I have talked to. God said there would be false prophets… there have been in His house for a long time. Maybe some aren’t, but they need to take a look at themselves and realize they cannot be Jesus. The message is clear… There is but ONE shepherd, Jesus. He is the perfect one. We all fall short. No man is above judgment so don’t stand and judge others; If they should, they need to pray for themselves cause at that moment they are being judged. With that… enough about what was on religion and the past.

Basketball just finished up. I’m really excited about that. We finished with a record of just over .500. The kids really came together which is kind of surprising cause I know nothing about basketball. HAHA! Well, I know a little actually. I guess you can say that I really love spending time with kids and developing kids and watching them get better at sports and getting them to just believe. The verb ‘BELIEVE’ is a tough one to do. As an adult it is hard to do.

-Dictionary.com cites the definition of BELIEVE as:

1. to have confidence or faith in the truth of (a positive assertion, story, etc.); give credence to
2. to have a conviction that (a person or thing) is, has been, or will be engaged in a given action or involved in a given situation
3. to suppose or assume; understand

Now, as I looked this up I thought ‘confidence, conviction, or assume? Which one sounds better?’ When we are kids all we really do is just assume. We have no idea what is right or wrong. Everything we ever learn is told to us by people we don’t know other than our family or people who are thrust upon us and we are supposed to assume that these people know what the are talking about based on what their credentials are (teacher, coach, family status). Then, we gain/lose confidence from our actions in life as we move into our teens and find that whatever action we take from learned behavior, we will gain experience from those actions and believe whatever happens accordingly. As a young adult onward we gain insight and further convictions (or what we think are convictions) as to what reality is. Ready for the shocker? Belief, is a learned behavior. A few learned behaviors:

1. Black people are an inferior race
2. There is no God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
3. There IS God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
4. There is always time to say I’m sorry
5. You can never go home
6. People will never change
7. Women are inferior to men
8. You can’t ________

Shocked I threw number three in there huh? Not me? It is in fact a learned behavior, but I know in my heart that it’s true. It’s a belief. One MUST believe Jesus is there in order for Him to be there for you.

Matthew 10:33 (King James Version)
But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

There it is… it writing. You have to believe. Last one, number eight…. You can’t _____ If you think you can’t, then you are absolutely right. I have a hard time with that. I always find that in this economy, in this society, in this world we live in… it is hard to find ways to be able to say that YOU CAN. Everyone is so ticked off about their side not being able to be on the winning team that they bash that side because they aren’t on it. It makes it hard to even want to be on a side period. Sore losers is all I can say. Learned behaviors teach us to dislike the fact that if we aren’t on the winning team we are to chastise the winners to being (for all intents and purposes) winners. That makes no sense in context now does it?

Now back to the kids…

Teaching the kids to have confidence is hard. Hard to make them believe in themselves and more importantly, making sure that I can convince them that I know it too is hard. I believe in children more than I believe in adults most times. Adults most times are more bone headed than children. Children do things most times out of feeling. They do things they know they aren’t supposed to because they love the action of it. It’s up to the adult to teach them why they shouldn’t. Me and the team of coaches I selected, taught the ten kids I had how to shoot, pass, and dribble the ball up and down the court. Success is not measured by wins or losses, but by how one can assess how well the game was managed. I believed all of our games were managed quite well.

I’ve learned a valulable lesson about my medication. DON’T STOP TAKING IT!!!! I stopped taking my TOPAMAX (100mg 2x/day) because I thought I couldn’t afford it (my unemployment ran out ON MY BIRTHDAY! After a few days, I started to get really angry. Wait, VERY angry. I couldn’t deal with anyone. I was constantly getting mad at everyone for anything. I was at Defcon 5 at all times. Those that know me would tell you… this is not normal. I just figured that lack of a job was getting to me. It took Lynn telling me that suddenly stopping my meds had a side effect… sudden anger issues. She looked it up online. I was unaware of that. At least now I have 3 months of meds and don’t have to worry about not having them for that long.

I now have no money coming in, no insurance, no nothing. I’ve applied for over forty jobs and gotten called by Primerica (PFFT!) and AFLAC (PFFT! TIMES TWO!!!!) Really???? I used to work for Verizon Wireless where I made over sixty thousand dollars a year and I busted my ass by going wherever they asked me to doing whatever they asked me to sacrificing my family, relationships, my life, and self worth. Loyal to the very end and it took no time for the “Evil Empire” to toss me to the wolves. Course, I did stay on unemployment for two years on their dime and coached three teams, got a semester of college in, upgraded my car, and learned a lot about religion, played one hell of a season of semi-pro football, made co-captain on that team, and learned a lot about being a father in that time…. Guess I can’t be that mad.

My birthday was on 1February. I turned 32. By FAR AND AWAY…. THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! I had been off my meds for about four days (so needless to say, I woke up mad), I got very little sleep (so I was tired), and… we were going to have a horrendous snow storm… in fact (as it was stated) one that would affect over one hundred million people. Yup, I was mad to say the least. The events of the day were uneventful and lonely ones. Reflective at best. I kept asking myself… ‘How did I get here? Ugh! Everything I am up until this point is wrong and I know it. I am not where I want to be.’ I couldn’t shake that thought. That day, I lost my unemployment (which meant no money coming in anymore), my father totally forgot to call me and wish me a happy birthday, and I just really was feeling all alone even though other people did wish me a happy birthday. I just wanted to get out of my skin. I didn’t want to be me anymore. In fact, I kind of still don’t. Ever since, each day has been off…

FOOTBALL…

I will be playing for the Gardner Sabercats this year and I am very happy that I have found a home with this team. It was started by a great friend of mine who I have shared the field with for years. Some would say that I am crazy for going back on the field after the scare I had earlier this year… I say… since I had that scare life is far too short.

OH, THE GOAL… NOT A RESOLUTION!!!

How is it coming? It is coming fantastic!!! Fifty three days in and not a failed day yet. If you have forgotten, the goal is this… to tell whoever how I feel if asked. That’s it. Or if I feel a certain way about something someone does or says… I just say it without filter. To be honest, it has cost me some… but nothing I can’t handle. I would challenge anyone to try this goal. I’ll write more tomorrow. Oh yeah… word count. 2011.