I've been thinking a lot about my childhood as of the past few weeks and I truly miss it. Everything was so young and new. Each summer was... well, summer! Nothing to do but pass the lazy days away. There was always opportunity. No one ever talked about the end of days, increased violence in the streets, sexual predators preying on our youth, and times were innocent.
As a youth, I had my grandparents that I loved with all my heart, but I was always bitter about the fact I had no sense of belonging. For two middle-aged grandparents to take on a child that is not theirs must be hard to take in and deal with with little thought of the future. I spent many happy years in Mississippi visiting my great-grandparents during the summer months. My grandparents and I would travel to Ole Miss by car. My grandfather would drive and we'd just take in the sights of these great states of ours. I would pull out my Gameboy and just play until I fell asleep. I can remember oe time when I got the new JJ Fad single Supersonic
Those were the days that I miss. Being a youth, not caring about bills, money, or a job. Just having a sense of self and being carefree. I knew where I was going because I didn't have to think about it. Each day was laid out for me. Now that I'm older I have to stand on my own two feet and everything I do is accountable. I can't even think straight sometimes and I make the wrong choice sometimes.
When I started this blog I wanted to chronicle my life and journey cause I didn't know what was going to happen to me in the days ahead and now my health has improved and it's just a place to vent and a sounding board.
I think back to when I started this, and it was more or less about my interactions with God, people, and my own thoughts. The game has changed now. I don't go to church, I don't interact with people much, and I don't play football anymore. I just am here. I still coach football, but nothing else. I've been so busy with this job that I really don't do much else. I'm trying to make the necessary changes that I need to in order for my life to be better. As I said before, I deserve better! In this life, you absolutely have to make the best of things. If you don't, you will most certainly miss out.
When I think about the past 10 years since I became a father, I feel like I've grown a lot. Everyday there is something new to learn about. I can't remember when or why it happened, but somewhere along the way I decided there would be no more fucks given about people who don't care about themselves. It strikes me as absurd that people who don't give a shit about themselves expecting others to jump up and force them to look in the mirror to realize their worth. I have to say, if someone values their life, their family, their love.... then you need to fight. Everyday fight the negativity within yourself and move on to the positive things that will make things worthwhile. You must fight for what you love! For WHO you love.
When life blows up in your face you must fight for the love that will keep you warm and safe. Too many times, people use love as a scapegoat and mask it for comfort. Love by it's very definition is tangible. You can see what it is and how it moves people.
Love can make you change facets of yourself that you were never going to concede to. Don't get it twisted though, there is no need give in to demands if it infringes on your beliefs. Be who you are and accept your own faults. Here's the facts, I know who I am inside and will not apologize for it. I give myself time to think and reflect on my life and I realize that I am not perfect. Hate me or love me. Family, friends, enemies all know to take me as I am. I take others out of the equation when I think about what my next steps are going to be. If it turns out that they are going to make me end up in the wrong side of the equation then I guess I'm just gonna be the bad guy. See it just doesn't matter what other people think of me cause I know who I am on the inside and NO ONE will change me or make me feel bad about who I am. I grew up a fighter and will always be. I play hard and love hard. When I love, you are in my life till you mess it up. If I don't like you, then we just won't speak. I don't play make believe with people. If I am not feeling you, I won't acknowledge your presence cause it would be disrespectful to you by pretending to like you.
On another note, let's stop playing games on Facebook. The most annoying person is the one that feeels the need to put their business on status updates then get defensive when their friends comment contrary to what they think. Shameless promotion on how you're a notch above everyone else cause you can fend for yourself, or you're not on welfare, etc. Just stop it. Since when does the internet validate who you are? If you love yourself who gives a damn what Facebook sees you as. So damn annoying. If Facebook gets you that mad, then stop using it. Off the soapbox now...
I've recently found Dubstep music again. It is most definitely an acquired taste. It is heavy on the distorted bass. Here's a few of my favorite tracks:
Golddust- Flux Pavillion
Nice Sprites And Scary Monsters- Skrillex
Woo Boost- Rusko
Three of my fave tracks right there. I've been listening to music a lot more because it calms me. Even dubstep. I've decided with this new job, I'm going to start to save to start up my own DJ business. I'm going to buy:
I want it!!!! Numark V7
Also, I made myself a membership with Top Hits USA. They send you the Billboard Hits from each week or month, depending on your membership. Also, I want to create mix tapes for people. For free, cause I love music that much and I want to share it with the world. Just me.
Find peace within yourself, live to learn and then you can learn to live. If you believe in yourself even when no one else does, that will make you stronger. That's it. Do me a favor, I love this blog... that's why I write it. Suggest this blog to someone...anyone. I'd like at least 10 followers by Christmas. As always, comments are welcome! Much love and stay true to you,
Duck
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