Moving Onto What Everything Is

You know, I’m fairly certain someday someone will find my life interesting enough to make a movie of my life… that is a fact. True story. Anyone know a screen writer? HAHA!

Part of yesterdays’ blog was about the team I will be playing for, the Gardner Sabercats. Let me tell you. That has been a journey as well. My ear is TOTALLY bent from that as well. Watching this team develop has been so hard since it’s inception last year. The owner is one of my good friends (as I said yesterday) and he was very concerned about the team not making it. Rightfully so of course but I knew it would. I believe he knew in the back of his mind he was sure it would too.

That’s my number in the picture, number sixty. This year, we are looking simply to make a playoff run. The rest will be bonus. Should we win it all… fantastic. The motto, a team above all. Above all a team. Yeah, sounds good don’t it? I’m the interim webmaster for the team right now as well as the webmaster for Leominster Pop Warner. It’s a lot of work. Trust me.

The Goal (In Depth)
If you were to go back to my goal, and re-read what I wrote back in the blog entitled Simply Being, you will find what I listed as my one goal starting that day. I’ve only counted the success days since 31December2010. Let me refresh your memory.

*Taken from Simply Being by Me* Blog post from 15Dec

'I'm going to start a trend. I'm gonna call out all backstabbers going forward. There are people who talk about me behind my back and I know it. It is unhealthy to be two-faced. I don't mind if people don't like me cause my brazen approach isn't exactly for everybody, but why pretend to be cool with me if they were just spreading rumors and gossip about me? I plan to make whoever it was extremely uncomfortable until they come clean about it. For example, let's say someone says that I am a liar to Person A **NOTE**AS LONG AS I KNOW FOR SURE AND IT'S PROVEN AND IS FROM A REPUTABLE SOURCE** then comes to talk to me at a party while I'm conversing with another friend. I'm going to calmly say to this person "Since you feel it is okay to say that I am a liar to Person A what makes you think it's okay to talk to me as if we are friends?" and leave it. This will leave it up to that person to come clean. It is time for people to start being real with one another. Honest. Stop lying and be straight up. It's cool not to like someone, just tell them. They can handle it. If someone says something about someone else, it don't matter. Gossip is not cool and it has no place in this world. We have to stop it. A clear stance has to be made.'

The reason why I am retelling you this, is because I am going to share with the readers (how many or few of you a text conversation between someone in my old church and Heather, my girlfriend. Why? It is simply because of my goal. I was judged. My feelings were being judged and rather than coming to me… this person decided to take it to her… see for yourself. Let me remind you, for three weeks I hadn’t been to church cause in prayer I had been hearing ‘Do not go to that church anymore. Wait, see what I have in store for you.’ Then, the night before the following text transpired all I could hear was… ‘Tomorrow, something will happen between you and Heather that will change the course of your life’ Here are the texts exactly as they were sent:

(Me) is Heather and (HIM) is the person from the church.

Me: I think I am suppose to work Gods kitchen tonight and I won’t be getting out of work until 445. So I won’t be there until 545

HIM: I will let Bro ***** know. How are you doing? Missed you yesterday. Would have texted you but thought maybe you and Dan were getting tired of me bugging you.

Me: I slept through the alarm…been really tired lately. Don’t know what’s wrong other than I now have double the work load at work

HIM: that doesn’t help

Me: I don’t know if I can do Gods kitchen anymore. I’m missing out on overtime cause I have to leave and if I don’t come in early enough I have to take leave to make it there

HIM: God’s Kitchen is between you and God. I am only going to say this once. You have to work to pay your bills, rent, and utilities. Otherwise you will be out on the street. Overtime is part of that requirement at this time. However, supposedly you have a person who claims to be your partner, fiancé, equal. Saying that, if he is wanting to be your man he should help out when you have a commitment you can’t make because you are working so that he can have a place to keep warm. There, I have said enough. I will shut up.

**END OF CORRESPONDENCE**


Now, here are a few kickers…

1. She didn’t volunteer for this God’s kitchen thing. God’s kitchen is feeding the homeless three nights a week. (Heather had Mondays)This person actually lives less than a mile from the church where God’s kitchen takes place and could have done it.

2. This person guilted her into doing God’s kitchen. He fed her the doom and gloom thing. Do your part… BLAH BLAH BLAH! There are only 8 or 9 members in the church though who can do things and they were already ran thin.

3. The worst one of them all…. Heather never even asked me to do it for her. If she had, I would have fed the homeless in her place.

4. I was the custodian of the church. I cleaned the church for free. I was supposed to be paid, but hadn’t been paid in seven weeks and didn’t say a word. I drove 8 miles each way wasting (well, not really wasting) gas to clean God’s house for free and the PASTOR of this church was telling someone other than me that I was basically mooching. Nice.

So, am I wrong? Heather showed me this and I was needless to say not happy. She wasn’t either. She understood that I wasn’t and she explained to me that this was not the first time that he said off color things about me. I was a little upset because there was no reason to tell me one thing and tell her something different. I was not the least bit surprised by his actions though. This was my mentor and the man who was telling me that I was going 'to take over as Associate Pastor one day' and ‘God had shown him’ these things. Let me share this with you all, God speaks to all of us. God spoke to Daniel just like He spoke to Moses. Daniel (held court with kings) and Moses (who was a murderer) just the same. It’s He who chooses, not we.

Religion is so hard because how can someone say “God told me, but not you? God gave to me, but not you? God told me His plan for you, but not you?” That's what was happening to me. That's why people... Young people leave the church. It is up to us each as individuals to decide what works for us. My goal has worked for me. I put out there why I left the church and these are my feelings. I had to put it out there.

When it comes to the Bible as well, it’s science and the Bible, science OR the Bible. It can’t be sometimes one and sometimes the other. I remember I was teaching Bible study and there was a half hour argument yes, I said ARGUMENT with him on a study question as to how I was wrong in an answer about which disciple I was more like. Then, science was brought into the discussion. I was wondering when L. Ron Hubbard walked into the room? I knew then and there it was time to go. God created the Heavens and the Earth. That is all the science. I think He wants healthy discussion among us about what is in His book. What I don’t think, is He wants is for any one man to be a know-it-all and to think he has the cure all and the insight of the Bible.


Life As I Know It

Each day, I worry more and more with everything that passes. My son just turned ten as of 13January.

Da'lin (Xander) Alexander

Mirieanah (Mimi) Alessa

My daughter just turned four as of 21February.

I am thirty-two and have no career, no direction other that being a great orator, a musical connoiseur, a fairly good DJ (with no equipment mind you), and a science for the game of football. All of which is good for just about nothing. I feel like I’m the bottom of the glass of unmixed Kool-Aid. You ever tried to drink that? It’s bitter… UGH! Or I feel like a great song with no hook. It’s just a loop. I am starting to tell my son that there is a sense of urgency in his life because I wasted mine. I can’t do anything with mine because I’m too old at the age of thirty two (well, at least according to the world).

Never seen the movie, but the title seems to remind me of me… there truly is no country for old men. I feel like I am old because I have no home. I see everyone around me leaving off to do their jobs, lives, loved ones… while I am in slow motion. I see all these young bucks heading off to Afghanistan and the sad thing is… I’d trade with them. I’d go cause I need the job. I drove to Maine two months ago for a DHS (Dept of Homeland Security) job test and 45 out of the 49 other people there were active military in that session… I failed before I picked up my pencil. I think 13,000 took the test in total. I can’t win. I guess I should have brought Parker Lewis.

What do I tell my ten year old son?

 “Your Pops used to be in the Army you know? Yeah, it was under 180 days though so I’m not really a vet I’m only prior service. I can’t get the vet plates. I tell people sometimes that I am though cause it makes me feel better about myself. Prior service counts for something right?”

 I can hear him now….

“Not really Pops.”

 I’ve tried to make it right with myself, with the Army, with my heart… they want zero to do with me and that’s fine I guess. It makes me mad though because I can’t even give myself away now. At thirty two, I have a work ethic like no other, and I can’t even give myself away. That is pretty tragic. The recruiting station here in Leominster couldn’t run from me fast enough. The kid (yes, I said kid) that was assigned to be my recruiter had one of the guys I went to Basic with as his Drill Instructor. Yup, he’s a kid… and he has/had/wants no desire to help me at all. I think he never did . In fact, I don’t think he made one call on my behalf. If he did I never heard about it. What do I tell my daughter? In fifteen years, if she gets married could I afford to pay for her wedding and give her a princess’ wedding like I already know my princess deserves? Can her Pops be the father who will buy her the most unbelieveable prom dress because she wants it? Or will I be the broke father who everyone of her friends talks about? My son sees my eyes and he asks me almost daily am I okay… it gets harder and harder to say yes. Will I be able to buy my son all the best football equipment when he gets to high school? Leominster is a HUGE high school football community. I want him to succeed in ways I never could. I want him to make it. He is in AP classes ALREADY and is an Honor Roll student on track to go on to a great college (which he is talking about college now) so do I say scholarship or no college?When he gets his first girlfriend and wants to go on a date, will I be able to let him use the car? Or say ‘You’re gonna have to ask your mom you money to take a cab?’ What type of father am I? Will my kids ever know what it’s like to have a house with a yard and a swimming pool? To be able to have a birthday party in their own home? My grandmother said to me as a young man, “Every gentleman should have at least one suit in their closet.” Xander has almost out grown his. A father is supposed to provide that. What type of father am I? I feel like Muhammad Ali sometimes. Remember when he lit the torch at the Olympic games? It brought tears to my eyes.

Now, in no way am I comparing myself to The Greatest Of All Time, but Bob Costas says “Now, trapped behind that mask…” He calls it “…tragic.” I feel like that. I used to feel like I was young and full of life. I had time. At the age of thirty two I feel like I should be writing my own eulogy. Why? I don’t know.

My best friend texted me yesterday to tell me about a job. He said it’s not “the most glamorous job” but still it’s a job. I was said whatever it’s a job. It is for a part time dishwaster at the restaurant he works at. Let me say this upfront, as long as they pay me, I don’t care whatever the job is. I’m not too proud for any job. Then he tells me, the SIXTEEN YEAR OLD kid that quit the job felt he was too good for it and he was entitled to it. My heart sank and I felt about two inches tall. What do I tell my kids now? All I have been telling myself for the past twenty four hours is ‘What do you say now bottom feeder? Used to have a good job and now look at you! Start dumpster diving for jobs cause you’ll never get anything! You got talent but they don’t want talent they want college educations! They want experience! What they don’t want is YOU! You can’t even sell yourself to the Armed Forces AND IT’S WARTIME MAN!!! HOW USELESS ARE YOU!?!?!?!’In my eyes, there is a fire… a burning inferno that yearns to be… to set this world off! A passion to make light out of darkness. It is slowly getting dimmer everyday. Will it ever die out? I doubt it, but it is definitely getting dimmer. As I said yesterday, I see the world as they pass by and I ask myself, will everyone just be quiet for ONE MINUTE!!! Stop talking! Quit blaming each other! Give each other a chance. Reach across the table. Please! Please? Maybe someone like me could have a crack at bat? Cause I got nowhere else to go… That is how low it is…

As some of you know, I live with Heather. By not working, as a dark complexioned man (I am Puerto Rican/African American) and living with a light skinned woman who has a job… this is what runs through my mind…. Ready… in 3… 2… 1…

HERE’S ANOTHER TYPICAL NIGGER JUST TAKING FROM A WHITE GIRL WHO WORKS WHILE HE SITS ON HIS ASS ALL DAY PLAYING MADDEN! OH, AND I BET HE HAS KIDS BY A WHITE GIRL TOO! WAIT!! HE DOES!! PRICELESS!!! HE PROBABLY DOESN’T PAY CHILD SUPPORT EITHER HUH? NOPE? HAHA!!! THERE IT IS?!?!?! A DAMN TRIFECTA OF LOSER RIGHT THERE!!!!

Now, for those of you who don’t know… I get up at 0515 Monday through Friday to go get my kids so that Lynn (the mother of my two kids) can go to work for 7. I make them breakfast, get them off for school and all that. I do a lot. I was splitting everything down the middle until I lost unemployment. Still, without a job, I am that stereotype. Talk about pressure. All these thoughts are on my mind every… single… day. Without fail. How’s your day? Leave a comment or thought.