Here is… what it isn’t…

It’s been exactly… well, since 2010 since I wrote in this blog. I’ve been extremely busy. I have lots to tell. Many things have happened since then… LOTS. Let me start off with this. The title of my blog.

My Life With Epilepsy, God, And Football…

Catchy title isn’t it?? Well, the ‘episodes’ are pretty much non-existent now. I’m on 100mg of Topamax 2x/day and that is controlling my migraines pretty well. I’ve also given up smoking. Big weight (and cost) off of my shoulders that I wish I never even got started on in the first place. Sometimes, I still feel light headed, but I manage to maneuver through the day and make it just fine. I find myself getting angry though about where my life is at this point. I may start to ramble at this juncture so bear with me for a few…

I no longer attend any church nor am I even Baptist. I renounce my affiliation to the Baptist faith period. It’s sometimes the people in positions of power who make religion poisonous to the masses. Jesus came to this Earth to save us from ourselves. It’s far too tempting to man to use his authority to mistake for His authority. Understand? It happens all the time. Jesus was trying to teach us to let Him lead and us follow and to be the clay and let Him be the potter. I understand that’s a hard sell to the masses. When man tries to lead others, sometimes he wants to take direction from God (as he should) but his direction gets infused with his own inflection. I’ve seen this happen too many times and I’m all set. God is the one who directs my flow… my vision. I’m not by any means a prophet, a visionary, or anything of the sort… I will say this… there is no way I will set foot into a church again until God tells me to do so. I would probably go the way of Martin Luther and start my own religion before I set foot in another church. He commanded me to leave the last one because of the things that were happening there, and I won’t return to a church till such appointed time as He directs me to. I’ve talked with so many people and come to find out, so many people have put religion behind them because of the same issue. Gossip, backstabbing, poor leadership, misdirection, a slight of hand… God will guide His hand over His house and clean it. He always wins over mans’ passion of power. Every time. With that being said, I am a journeyman of faith… God directs my faith… a believer in the faith that Jesus died for my sins. I don’t need a label other than that. I don’t belong to a church nor a faith other than that. I once said what we do as believers can be someone elses salvation or damnation, hence why I have never become a deacon or a pastor. I think that all churches should adopt that same idea. In all my years, I’ve seen this same thing. So has everyone else I have talked to. God said there would be false prophets… there have been in His house for a long time. Maybe some aren’t, but they need to take a look at themselves and realize they cannot be Jesus. The message is clear… There is but ONE shepherd, Jesus. He is the perfect one. We all fall short. No man is above judgment so don’t stand and judge others; If they should, they need to pray for themselves cause at that moment they are being judged. With that… enough about what was on religion and the past.

Basketball just finished up. I’m really excited about that. We finished with a record of just over .500. The kids really came together which is kind of surprising cause I know nothing about basketball. HAHA! Well, I know a little actually. I guess you can say that I really love spending time with kids and developing kids and watching them get better at sports and getting them to just believe. The verb ‘BELIEVE’ is a tough one to do. As an adult it is hard to do.

-Dictionary.com cites the definition of BELIEVE as:

1. to have confidence or faith in the truth of (a positive assertion, story, etc.); give credence to
2. to have a conviction that (a person or thing) is, has been, or will be engaged in a given action or involved in a given situation
3. to suppose or assume; understand

Now, as I looked this up I thought ‘confidence, conviction, or assume? Which one sounds better?’ When we are kids all we really do is just assume. We have no idea what is right or wrong. Everything we ever learn is told to us by people we don’t know other than our family or people who are thrust upon us and we are supposed to assume that these people know what the are talking about based on what their credentials are (teacher, coach, family status). Then, we gain/lose confidence from our actions in life as we move into our teens and find that whatever action we take from learned behavior, we will gain experience from those actions and believe whatever happens accordingly. As a young adult onward we gain insight and further convictions (or what we think are convictions) as to what reality is. Ready for the shocker? Belief, is a learned behavior. A few learned behaviors:

1. Black people are an inferior race
2. There is no God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
3. There IS God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
4. There is always time to say I’m sorry
5. You can never go home
6. People will never change
7. Women are inferior to men
8. You can’t ________

Shocked I threw number three in there huh? Not me? It is in fact a learned behavior, but I know in my heart that it’s true. It’s a belief. One MUST believe Jesus is there in order for Him to be there for you.

Matthew 10:33 (King James Version)
But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

There it is… it writing. You have to believe. Last one, number eight…. You can’t _____ If you think you can’t, then you are absolutely right. I have a hard time with that. I always find that in this economy, in this society, in this world we live in… it is hard to find ways to be able to say that YOU CAN. Everyone is so ticked off about their side not being able to be on the winning team that they bash that side because they aren’t on it. It makes it hard to even want to be on a side period. Sore losers is all I can say. Learned behaviors teach us to dislike the fact that if we aren’t on the winning team we are to chastise the winners to being (for all intents and purposes) winners. That makes no sense in context now does it?

Now back to the kids…

Teaching the kids to have confidence is hard. Hard to make them believe in themselves and more importantly, making sure that I can convince them that I know it too is hard. I believe in children more than I believe in adults most times. Adults most times are more bone headed than children. Children do things most times out of feeling. They do things they know they aren’t supposed to because they love the action of it. It’s up to the adult to teach them why they shouldn’t. Me and the team of coaches I selected, taught the ten kids I had how to shoot, pass, and dribble the ball up and down the court. Success is not measured by wins or losses, but by how one can assess how well the game was managed. I believed all of our games were managed quite well.

I’ve learned a valulable lesson about my medication. DON’T STOP TAKING IT!!!! I stopped taking my TOPAMAX (100mg 2x/day) because I thought I couldn’t afford it (my unemployment ran out ON MY BIRTHDAY! After a few days, I started to get really angry. Wait, VERY angry. I couldn’t deal with anyone. I was constantly getting mad at everyone for anything. I was at Defcon 5 at all times. Those that know me would tell you… this is not normal. I just figured that lack of a job was getting to me. It took Lynn telling me that suddenly stopping my meds had a side effect… sudden anger issues. She looked it up online. I was unaware of that. At least now I have 3 months of meds and don’t have to worry about not having them for that long.

I now have no money coming in, no insurance, no nothing. I’ve applied for over forty jobs and gotten called by Primerica (PFFT!) and AFLAC (PFFT! TIMES TWO!!!!) Really???? I used to work for Verizon Wireless where I made over sixty thousand dollars a year and I busted my ass by going wherever they asked me to doing whatever they asked me to sacrificing my family, relationships, my life, and self worth. Loyal to the very end and it took no time for the “Evil Empire” to toss me to the wolves. Course, I did stay on unemployment for two years on their dime and coached three teams, got a semester of college in, upgraded my car, and learned a lot about religion, played one hell of a season of semi-pro football, made co-captain on that team, and learned a lot about being a father in that time…. Guess I can’t be that mad.

My birthday was on 1February. I turned 32. By FAR AND AWAY…. THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER IN MY LIFE!!!!!!! I had been off my meds for about four days (so needless to say, I woke up mad), I got very little sleep (so I was tired), and… we were going to have a horrendous snow storm… in fact (as it was stated) one that would affect over one hundred million people. Yup, I was mad to say the least. The events of the day were uneventful and lonely ones. Reflective at best. I kept asking myself… ‘How did I get here? Ugh! Everything I am up until this point is wrong and I know it. I am not where I want to be.’ I couldn’t shake that thought. That day, I lost my unemployment (which meant no money coming in anymore), my father totally forgot to call me and wish me a happy birthday, and I just really was feeling all alone even though other people did wish me a happy birthday. I just wanted to get out of my skin. I didn’t want to be me anymore. In fact, I kind of still don’t. Ever since, each day has been off…

FOOTBALL…

I will be playing for the Gardner Sabercats this year and I am very happy that I have found a home with this team. It was started by a great friend of mine who I have shared the field with for years. Some would say that I am crazy for going back on the field after the scare I had earlier this year… I say… since I had that scare life is far too short.

OH, THE GOAL… NOT A RESOLUTION!!!

How is it coming? It is coming fantastic!!! Fifty three days in and not a failed day yet. If you have forgotten, the goal is this… to tell whoever how I feel if asked. That’s it. Or if I feel a certain way about something someone does or says… I just say it without filter. To be honest, it has cost me some… but nothing I can’t handle. I would challenge anyone to try this goal. I’ll write more tomorrow. Oh yeah… word count. 2011.