Gotta Look This World In The Eye

Sorry I didn't blog for the past few days. Been rough. I've been going through some things personal and it's been tough. I understand that the stress has partly been because of myself, but the meds and the illness are taking a toll on me. It's hard to understand how this works... the only thing I can get is this:

Mark 8: 1-12

1-3 At about this same time he again found himself with a hungry crowd on his hands. He called his disciples together and said, "This crowd is breaking my heart. They have stuck with me for three days, and now they have nothing to eat. If I send them home hungry, they'll faint along the way—some of them have come a long distance."

4His disciples responded, "What do you expect us to do about it? Buy food out here in the desert?"


5He asked, "How much bread do you have?"


"Seven loaves," they said.


6-10So Jesus told the crowd to sit down on the ground. After giving thanks, he took the seven bread loaves, broke them into pieces, and gave them to his disciples so they could hand them out to the crowd. They also had a few fish. He pronounced a blessing over the fish and told his disciples to hand them out as well. The crowd ate its fill. Seven sacks of leftovers were collected. There were well over four thousand at the meal. Then he sent them home. He himself went straight to the boat with his disciples and set out for Dalmanoutha.


11-12When they arrived, the Pharisees came out and started in on him, badgering him to prove himself, pushing him up against the wall. Provoked, he said, "Why does this generation clamor for miraculous guarantees? If I have anything to say about it, you'll not get so much as a hint of a guarantee."

At this point, everyone saw that Jesus had performed "miracles". The only reason why I put the word miracles in quotes is this... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN IT, THEN IT AIN'T. See, the Pharisees had no clue that Jesus had just placed a miracle in their hands... literally. Yet, they got nothing out of it. Nothing.Guess what, the "miracle" started when? When do you think? Jesus thought ahead to when His people would leave His "sight" and He wanted them to be full. He thought of them when all they wanted to do was be with Him. There were some who were there just to test Him, to see Him, to see if He was all He said... but either way, Jesus still wanted to look after all of them. He still does. That is the "miracle"... How can it be that He could look after us when we don't even care about ourselves?

I went to the gym last night and it felt good to work out. The pain in my body was almost equal to the pain in my heart. No matter how much I pushed myself... the pain inside just grew and grew. The pain of all the dreams that I've had over the years. I wanted to re-enlist in the Army and I gotta tell you, the recruiter is a definite joke. Had no desire to help me out at all. Maybe God still is working...

I stopped taking all my meds today. Done with them. I have to go back to work and get everything back in order so I can pay my bills and such. Come hell or high water, I'm going back to work. Dreams are over with, and I got to get on living. Foolish? Maybe... Life is beating me down and the storm is raging, again. So, I'll push back with everything I have and rely on God to protect me. I had many dreams on re-enlisting, on college, on owning a home by the age of thirty. Nothing happened. Nothing. Maybe God has other plans for me. For a long time (VERY LONG TIME), Abraham could not see what God had in store for him. I'm no better than him so I guess I'm just stuck.

The blessing is in there somewhere... I'm sure of it. So I ask myself now, as everyday... Is His grace still sufficient? Yes, with a tearful eye and beaten, broken, and battered. Yes, His grace... stands at the ready, to heal me...