I hung out with my best friend Tony yesterday and the day was awesome! We went to the movies and we saw ....
Don Jon! Absolutely hilarious.... and true. Gordon Joseph-Levitt (of 3rd Rock From The Sun fame) wrote and directed this flick. I think it was really well written and definitely made sense. I will say he is really addicted to porn.... really. Great reasons why though. If guys were to watch the first 10 minutes of the movie they could make sense of the reason why most men watch porn. Not to mention Scarlett Johansson was super hot in it...
My boy Tony came over first thing in the morning and he helped me do yard work for hours yesterday. He volunteered his time to help. That's what friends do. I didn't even have to ask for his help cause he offered it without me even thinking of asking him. I totally appreciated it. We have what is called, a friendship. It's one thing to say we're 'friends' and call me once every three or four months and say 'Wow! It's been too long since we hung out. Let's plan something soon.' and have nothing come to fruition. We get together about every other week and watch football, or get together for a few drinks and talk, and his wife will even have me over for dinner. He's never asked me for a thing in return. We just got it like that. We are different in many ways, but one thing we definitely agree on... loyalty should be rewarded.
Me and Chicago on CBS Scene balcony this past June
The movie Don Jon had me thinking a lot. I spent a great deal of time thinking about relationships, love, life... you know... the adult stuff. Friday night, I was in Home Depot buying a few things and I saw my ex that I was with for five long years.... with her husband. Sure, I've passed her on the highway, I've walked past her before since we broke up, I've even had a phone conversation with her once... but this time it felt different. She looked miserable.... very miserable. Now, I understand a lot of times people will misconstrue what is seen in an ex because it's what you want to see. This... wasn't that. I've always said The eyes are the window to the soul. I saw someone who was looking at her life and wondering where all the time went... like it had passed her by. For a fleeting moment I almost wanted to say hi (even with her husband there) but I thought better of it and walked down another aisle. Then I laughed my ass off. I felt so good about it. I know it's wrong, but I still had to laugh. Now I still definitely have love in my heart for her, but the choices we make are the choices we take.
I am acutely aware of my health. The tonic-clonic seizures that are returning again, the dislocated left thumb, the torn ligament in my right, in addition to the fluid buildup on BOTH my knees now... I know my life is pretty much halfway over. I find myself questioning my surroundings more. I question people around me more. I am just seeing people as whiny, self-absorbed, and ill-tempered. When it comes to feeling, people would rather make it situational and craft them to their needs. Sure, people love you when they need you, they're trying to change you from what you are, looking to get something out of you. That's when love comes in. I start to wonder, who will love me in 15 years? If I truly am starting to get Parkinson's and when I can no longer control my ticks? What if I eventually will not be able to walk without assistance? Or if the words I am saying don't make sense to them? Who? The answers I have come up with are frightening.
I posted this earlier on my Facebook. I have to say... I agree wholeheartedly. It's more about the confidence you have while you are wearing whatever it is that you are wearing. If you have NO confidence, no one gives you that 'confidence' you gotta get that from inside. I always am trying to make myself look better. Not for other people, but for me. I do everything I can to keep heads turning. It's just my nature. I always want people to notice when I walk in a room. I have that Alpha Male personality. Some women I've known in life dress provocatively and only do so to get the attention, then end up with someone that uses them and always makes them feel inferior. Some rock jeans and a tee just cause it's comfortable. Some even throw on a mishmash of clothes and still say it's just how they dress and they don't care. All of them have that confidence. It's the playfulness in the eyes, the conviction behind the smile, the intensity in the eyes. I've met some that dress like any of the three and they don't know how beautiful they truly are... but part of them doesn't want to know. They just want to be in that limbo. Never changing and then blaming past relationships or people in general for their lack of confidence.
No one can make you look, dress, like certain things, or live a certain way other than how you want to. It's about comfort levels and that's it. If someone is used to living clean and having things in a certain order and you're not that way, then expect the hammer to drop all the time because someone is put out of their comfort zone reluctantly. It's an adjustment. If you aren't comfortable in your skin and you just don't feel like you can be confident, but you aren't willing to change it... then don't be the asshole that has the nerve to blame other people for your short comings or even worse, making them feel wrong for wanting better for you.
With ALLLLLLL of these things said I can compare my life to late summer. Still hot, got hustle and bustle going on, everything is still vibrant and everyone is becoming aware that the season is coming to a close. I ask myself, is this truly where I want to be when the fall of my life is in full swing? Hanging with Tony Chicago was great. He will be there til I leave this planet. I know that. We might have a disagreement or two, but we will always have each others backs. I also wonder why people don't just say what they really feel AND accept what comes of it? If I don't like something, I have every right to say something. You (as the listener) can say whatever you want in regards to that, but seriously say it without yelling about it or dismissing what I say by retaliating with some BS excuse. Speak up! Say whatever it is. Why placate? Or if you don't like something, you have every right to say what you might be feeling but remember that I don't have to stop doing what I was doing and with that I accept what your course of action may be. If someone said they thought my house was messy every time they came over let's say. And they thought I could 'clean up a little more'. I might agree with them, but I'd also say that we could hang at their house more often as well. If they didn't want to come over anymore cause they felt I wasn't 'clean' enough for their standards I'd respect it. We'd just get together somewhere neutral and hang or I'd go to their place. Hell, I'd possibly try to clean a little more and then invite them over later on.
I guess I'll leave this post for you to digest and decide what you think. The BIG takeaway is...
A little confidence can go a LONG way.
Share, comment, think....
Much love...
I also wonder why people don't just say what they really feel AND accept what comes of it?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, like lets skip the bs and just get to the point. its like you have to jump through all these hoops so other peoples feelings arent hurt when u know where its going.