Be Like Water...

As we draw closer to the end of 2011, I wonder what is to come of us in the coming years. Will the world hit an enlightened consciousness and desire for humanitarian efforts so we can exist in peace? There's so much talk about the Mayan calendar and the 'ending of the world'. Does anyone know what happens 'after'? What if the world in fact is going to end on December 21st, 2012? Where will you go? Will you go back to your home and just lay there and hope the ending is not painful? Will you huddle up your kids and pray to the God you never thought existed? Will you just continue as if nothing is going to happen all that day? All good scenarios....

Now, what if the world doesn't end? Will you wake up the next day and pretend you weren't scared? Or will you just go on about your business and never look back? Or, will you wait for the next 'doomsday' event?

At this point, I wonder... what are we going to do about each other? There is an underlying current of unrest in our country right now. People are tired of giving and not getting. Banks are getting richer and the middle class are getting poorer. A stream of consciousness is emerging. Things need to change. They must change. With a year left (presumably) what will you do? Ending or not, people will hype this day up until the very 'end'. Then they will say the Mayans misjudged the day by a few weeks and the hysteria will begin again for a little while. Just my thought on that.

Moving on to the day, MY BOYS WON!!!! We beat Fitchburg today 6 - 0. All I asked was one question to them... "Who wants it?" When your back is against the wall, will you want it? And what are you willing to go through to get it?

(Greyskale Mulitmedia created video/ET The Hip Hop Preacher speech)

How bad do you want it? As ET says, you have to want success as badly as you want to breathe. I first discovered this video about a month ago. When I heard that part of this video I realized... I've never truly wanted anything. I always said I did. I would pretend I did. In my heart, if I wanted it I'd have damn sure done something about it. Think about each breath you take. When you work out, or exercise hard and you breath harder. That's not wanting to breath. You know your breathing will catch up. If you've ever had asthma, or ever came close to drowning... you would give up ANYTHING to catch your breath. To feel your lungs fill up with life. Have you ever wanted something that bad? Ever? I answered no. When you say you'll quit smoking, stop drinking, etc... do you really want to? Or are you going through the motions. I look at my football kids and I see some of them jogging during suicides and they really don't want to improve. They aren't giving it their all. It makes me so mad. There will be no progress without a process. If you don't understand what you have to do and you don't want to work for it.... it's never going to come. Period. Oh sure, some people get handed everything and it will piss you off. Why? Because they got it and you didn't. Plain and simple. If you were handed what others get handed you wouldn't turn it away. You'd take it like they did. So why be mad? Just respect the process and get yours the hard way. I heard it once said, nothing in life worth having comes cheap or easy. I am so proud of my boys today... they did what they had to do today. They fought and gave it their all and in the process, they got a W. 

The job I have currently is a bad one. I have cleared 1K in a bi-monthly check twice in the 5 months I've been here. Nowhere near the pay they promised me. I still respect the process and I'm looking for another job. My ex is facing an eviction in two weeks if she doesn't come up with 1K. My checks are so minimal I am overdrafted by Saturday if I get paid on Friday. I can't help her in the least. My car payments are two months behind and I can't even catch that up. I realize.... you have to want success as badly as you want to breathe. I want success badly. It's not about money, prestige in the job, or position in the company. Success to me is the ability to support oneself and loved ones by working in a field you would do even if you were working for free. I'm going to get better. I deserve better. I KNOW better. If doing trash pick up is going to make my kids stable and happy, I will gladly pick up trash everyday if that's what it takes. I want success. I want to breathe it in. My mantra for years has been respect the process.... I still do and I always will. Everything has a process. As day falls, night begins. For good, there is evil. For summer, there is winter. All these things are cyclical. Each has a proper announcement and place. Respect all of these. In life, there is peace and there is chaos. Which one resides in your life? It's up to you. All of my problems are only chances to make me work harder. As Bruce Lee said (I mentioned this in a previous post):

Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. 




Adapt and live... or be rigid and die. I refuse to stop until I am successful. Whatever it takes, my son will have a suit in his closet. My mom always says "Every gentleman must have a suit in his closet.". He will have one and I will make the appropriate sacrifices to make that happen.

They deserve it. They deserve all my love, sweat, tears, and life. I will make this happen. For them. They love me and I owe them my life. Simply put... how bad do I want it? Bad enough that I can't breath unless I get this right. 

Give of yourself, and you will get the world. When you can't give, give more. Push yourself... I promise the reward will be that much sweeter. 

With that said... Be water my friend.

As Seasons Change, So Do We

It's been quite a bit since my last post so let me bring you up to speed.

• I've become Head Coach of Junior Pee Wee with Leominster Pop Warner.
• Still working for Sprint (regretfully)
• I never did strap up with either team (Sabercats or Blue Raiders)

I had surgery about a month ago because I had appendicitis and it absolutely had to come out. I was out of work for about a week. That was a tough week. I'm not used to being dependent on others. The surgeon told me I should take two weeks off because of how 'invasive' the surgery was. I only saw that I needed  one week off.

A few thoughts, that I have had since my last post.

As I watch the leaves change, I realize that my life is changing as well. I look back to my twenties and I ask how did I do the things I used to. I look at from when I started this post and I see a defeated man. I was active in the church and had a direction. Yet, I felt that with being sick I couldn't be fully happy. When I started this, I was a Southern Baptist and now I am a spiritual journeyman. God resides in all things, even when we are wrong He is always there... waiting for us. 

I think about all the violence in the world and the natural destruction that is happening and I see looming in the distance, 2012. December 23rd to be exact. I'm not a survivalist or looking to definitely die, but you have to wonder what the hell is going on? Is it for real? We will find out in a little over a year won't we?

If we examine our lives as we hit our thirties, some (not all) of us will see that the world around us is not the same one we grew up in. When I was a child, we would go out and play all day. Sun up til sundown. Our parents never worried. They didn't have to worry much about the dangers of child abductions or children doing stupid stuff as we do now. There is a difference now. Growing up there was almost an understanding of community of one. My friends' parents would look out for me as if I was their own. Even people that merely knew my parents would look out for me. I still feel the same way now as an adult. That's why I volunteer to work with children. Some parents have this me and mine mentality. Almost as if to say 'I couldn't care less what happens to your child, as long as mine is okay.' The age of recklessness no long stops in our twenties. Now, it carries even into older generations. It's the mantra I've heard some say 'If you knew better you'd do better.' Some never had a parent or adult to teach them to want better so they are just 'comfortable' in their own ways... even if it is detrimental to everyone around them. Some don't feel the need to look out for others around them for fear of backlashing or criticism from that person. A community is what is needed in our world. Even if it means ruffling a few feathers. We must invest in ourselves to prevent further generations from having this dilemma. 

Last year, I made a goal. To say what truly was in my heart if asked.I have held to that statement and I haven't waivered yet. In fact, I even tell people it's okay to ask me questions because I don't hold back.

I want so many things still for my life. I still hope to DJ once again. I hope to still strap up and go after that ring. We accept defeat so easily because it seems easier than trying again. On Facebook, so many people will  post their world but won't address the issue with the people they are talking about. In current times, it seems easier to hide behind a computer screen than to address it face to face. I guess people must really think life needs to be easy. We are all guilty of it. It's not wrong or right it's just not true. We have to fight for every inch. Take each morsel of life and savor it. Recognize the beauty of everything you do. There is no day... like today.

No day but today... start now and live like it's your last. You can and you will make it. Why? Cause we will do it together.

Sidelines Vs. Gridirons

This is the hardest thing I have come across. Hands down.

I have come to learn so much in the past few days... Well, weeks actually. I see that my brothers on two different football teams, Twin City Blue Raiders and Gardner Sabercats are enjoying winning records, and I am on the sidelines as a coach of a Pop Warner team. I'd love to play semi-pro again, but I question if I can play.

On one hand, there is a coach who says they have seen me play and he knows I have heart and I am an animal on the field. On another hand, some of the guys I used to play with remember what I was to the Leominster Razorbacks. I'm a valued player... even now.

Let's be clear, I haven't strapped up since last October... but the memories of those I talked to know that I am all about the science of the game. I break it down and analyze it each down of the game. Everyone knows that.

Stepping on the field is my dream. Chasing that ring... the ring I've dreamed about for years. In 2005, I walked away from football for my job with Verizon Wireless and that same year they won the NEFL crown. I've regretted it ever since. I need that ring. I need to win that ring. By any means necessary.

What will I do? My phone is starting to blow up, people ask me at the field why 'I'm not on the field as a player' even asking about next year!

Sideline vs. Gridiron.... can I do both again? After what I know now... I honestly don't know. Coaching is fun, but playing is personal. How can I go from captain of a semi-pro team to being offered equipment manager? Can't do it. But to be respected enough to be asked for by name is a humbling experience. As in a player and coach for a semi-pro team.

Where to go? What to do? Like the title of one of my fave Kevin Costner films For The Love Of The Game. That's why. Gotta clear my head.

By any means necessary.

As I sit here and watch NFL Network I ask myself, can I do it? Can I be what I always wanted to be? Damn right. I'm mentally tough and can hit hard still.... at the young age of 32.

It's time to decide... sideline vs gridiron.

What to do...??

In time... it will come. I pray God gives me the strength to make the right one.

What I Miss The Most In Life...

WOW!! Hello everyone (well, the 3 or 4 people who actually read these posts). It's been a few months since I last wrote. I've been really busy. Let me share what has been going on.

1: I got a job managing a Sprint location. The pay kinda sucks, but I make due.

2: I've moved into a house.

3.: I got a dog.

3: I've decided to NOT play football with the Gardner Sabercats.

4: I am slowly... losing... my... mind.

Now, I can say I'm happy to be working. However, I don't get paid NEARLY enough to do this job. As a Verizon Wireless employee, I made GREAT money and had excellent benefits. With this job the insurance alone is $375.00 a month. Yup, not good. I do get a very flexible schedule and I can still coach Pop Warner. So I deal with the pay.

**NOTE: DO NOT DO RETAIL FOR YEARS ON END BECAUSE YOU WILL GET TYPECAST !!!

I applied for many jobs over the years and I can assure you that you will get stuck in retail almost forever!!

I have moved into a house and it is in a great location. I hated it at first, but now that I've lived there for a few months I do appreciate it more. At night, you can see plenty of stars, as our road is nowhere near a main road. The house inside is very hard to maintain and keep clean (which is a hard task in and of itself). Colin Cowie once said (and I paraphrase) "A messy home means a messy mind. So why not clean your home, organize it and you'll feel happier.". That stuck with me. It's been 6 years since I heard him say that and I try to stay true to it. Of course I can't do it alone, but it's hard to manage. When the home is messy, I just don't want to be there. It creates an anxiety that I can't describe. Who doesn't feel better after they can sit down after a long day in a clean home? Everything just feels right. since moving I can't say I feel that same "AHHHHHH" feeling. It's more like a hectic "I gotta get this done!!!!! As in right now!!!" type of feeling.
I honestly hate that feeling. My shoulders are always tense when I get home...

Onto my dog, her name was Princess (YUCK!!!) so I changed it to Mocha. She is an American Pit Bull Terrier with a Shih Tzu mind. She is the most loveable dog ever!!! I just love her to pieces!! She has a brown coat with white on her chest. The reason why I say a Shih Tzu mind is cause she almost never barks and she loves to sit on mine or Heather's lap... problem is she is almost sixty pounds and she is almost five feet tall... at 10 months. Also, she is afraid of Maverick... our cat! Now understand he is a Maine Coon cat and weighs twenty pounds. Cute as heck though. Right now, Mocha is on the tail end of her period... it is the most disgusting thing ever!! She drips all over the place so we are always cleaning it up. We should buy stock in the Swiffer WetJet!! That aside, she is the usual puppy. You know, like chewing up stuff (like two pairs of my sandals, plastic bowls, cups, clothes). Yup, just a usual puppy.

NFL Head Coach 09

Football is my life. I actually have fun playing NFL Head Coach (which I just bought again for PS3). I enjoy developing plays and watching it come to "life" in the game... as well as coaching Pop Warner. I have been off the Topamax for two months now and I haven't experienced migraines in a while... unless I get the slightest bit stressed then it's game over. I couldn't afford the 'non-insurance' payments of $386.00 a month. I started getting the shakes again... So I took myself off the roster for the Sabercats. I hate that I did it... but health comes first. Everytime I see a status update about my friends playing for the Twin City Blue Raiders or the 'Cats, my heart sinks. I just miss it like I'd miss breathing. Football makes me better. Playing and fighting for that common goal of winning, making a first down, stopping a run. It is a feeling like no other. I'd even say it's like having sex for the first time...only better. And I'd get that rush every play... every time. Football is like my girlfriend that is also my best friend and knows where to hit me where it hurts. As a coach, I'm always trying to figure out what the other coach is going to run... I want to know what she is thinking. As a player, I want that rock!!!... I want to figure out how to get her ready so I can have my way. Only football players know this feeling so it may sound strange to you... or even demented. Most football players have it. Even if I can't have her, I just want to be near her... I know, I know... most won't understand.

Losing my mind... yup... I am. I think about getting old and I can't take it. I think about what if I have Parkinsons.. which came up as an option. Who would care for me? My eyes would show that I am sharp as ever... but my body wouldn't be able to keep up... scared isn't even close to what I feel. It is so hard to have everyone depend on you for strength and they can't hold up themselves without help... why am I the fall guy? I am maintaining my own, but how can I be Atlas at the same time? I can't hold up the world as well? I don't mind being an ear... or even a shoulder but to be responsible for saving someones' well being is just too much!!! No one understands that but me...

It's summer and Pop Warner is calling my name again... I wish I could coach a semi-pro team but that is not to be right now. Maybe one day I'll have the money to buy one and I will be able to coach... We start on August 1st in Pop Warner... so I guess coaching Pop Warner will have to do.

As Always,

Duckie

Feel free to comment or subscribe... not that anyone does but I say it after every post...

Love Evolves Everywhere, Everyone, Everything

Over the past few weeks I’ve had to question myself and wonder… what really is this thing called… Love? When I was sixteen I thought I knew. I would meet a girl and then “poof” LOVE! Or I’d see a video game I wanted and “poof” LOVE! I had really no clue. What is the idea behind it? Where does it stem from? The figurative heart? Or head?

As teens, we fall in “love” with our first, second, third…. Significant other and we plan ahead to be together for a long time because we don’t have the life experiences to understand that, sometimes things have an ending. If you’ve only been to a lake, you cannot comprehend the ocean can you? Nope.

I remember my first break up. I was like Denise Huxtable. Goodness. Remember that breakup? All she did was keep walking around the house singing that stupid song all the time? Everyone kept telling me ‘You’re only in like with her, not in love with her. She’s your first not your last. Trust me.’ Even her mother told me that. I didn’t believe that. Believe me, I’ve had quite a few girlfriends in between. *Insert my smiling here*

Is it that I was naïve to think that I would find someone else one day? Doubtful. I like to think I was just young. Too young.


LOVE OF MUSIC

Ever since I can remember, I have ALWAYS had this love affair with music. If it has a beat I will give it a listen. When I was five, my kindergarten class went to the middle school in Lunenburg to get an introduction to musical instruments. I heard and saw the Alto Saxophone. (INSERT PIC OF ALTO SAX) I fell in love. There was no ‘like’ here. It was love at the age of five. I even asked the kid if I could just touch his saxophone. I remember that day. HAHA! It was funny. I will never forget that day. I couldn’t even pick up a saxophone til seventh grade. Which would be seven years later, I held on to that love for all that time.

I started playing in seventh grade and I loved it, then I ‘discovered’ jazz band. Swing music. Oh… my… God. REALLY! Improv jazz! YOU’RE TELLING ME I CAN MAKE UP SOLOS WITHIN A SONG!!!! I was for sure hooked!!! One problem… I sucked. I didn’t know fingerings, keys, I couldn’t read music to save my life… I worked at it and worked at it. Every relationship needs work. This one needed a lot of it. I knew that as a seventh grader. My music teacher even said to me that I may want to try something else for a bit first until I got the hang of reading music. I was desperate to figure it out. Very desperate.

By sophomore year, I was much better after practicing my butt off and working at it. Love requires work, patience, and time to grow understanding and to be understood by others. As it did with my tonality and harmony with the band. As I said in an earlier post… anger, took my love from me. I put my hand through a window and it derailed my musical career. All that hard work… gone. I was a DJ later on in life for a bit with was a lot of fun and I loved it just as much as my “first” love. Still, the lesson is that if I had kept my cool I may have never lost my first love to begin with.

LOVE OF SELF

This is the EXACT opposite of love of others. It takes a long time for most to have this. Others make it hard to love self and they plant that seed of doubt that can leave you doubting the love you should have in your abilities or self. It is THIS love that is paramount to all others. Love for yourself should not, must not, cannot be taken away. If you love yourself no one can take your swag, confidence, whatever you want to call it and it shows. Hands down.

LOVE OF FAMILY

When I was younger, I always hated that my family was big. There were far too many people that were always in my business and wanting to be up in everything I did. No matter what I thought or felt, everyone had an opinion of what I did. The older I got, the worse it became. Either way, I love my family just the same. When it comes to loving family, sometimes you just have to let go. If they do nothing but criticize your every move and refuse to let you grow as an individual, you must move on and let things go. If you look to my past blog post about my sister who said nasty things about my daughter… it’s been about four years since we have said more than five or six words to one another. I highly doubt I will say anything more than that to her ever. Sometimes it’s best to let things fall apart than to lose it all trying to save one.

LOVE OF BEING RIGHT

This is the best one. It’s (for the most part) a necessity a point of reference to find one self at the winning end of an argument to feel accomplished at the end of the day. I for one… am not. I used to be. It takes learning and practice to un-train your mind to need that feeling. When it comes to religion, politics, self, sports, or family values most times these are hot buttons. I find myself a target of argument or ridicule. I feel strongly about all of them. Do I need to argue with everyone about them? Nope. I am always being verbally ‘pushed’ by someone about something sometime. I am usually easygoing about most things but honestly, I don’t care that much about being right. I only care about being. Simply being.

LOVE, LIVE, LEARN

Many people have variations on ‘love’. It all depends. There are circumstances on what they in fact love. Any of these can push a person to act a sertain way. Love can give way to hate. Love for someone or something can make a person hate anything that will stand in the way of that love. It’s the maturity and experience level that will make someone stand up and see what is important. Which love is important? What matters the most?

Henry Thoreau was so tired of the bougeoise way of life and the people arould him that he had to leave. He said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

Live, you must live…. Quite simply…. There is no time like now to live. I will share another quote from Bruce Lee.

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I say this, water evolves and adapts. No matter what happens it will simply be. If the temperature is too hot, the molecules dance and vapor is formed and the water escapes. If the water cools to freezing, the molecules huddle together and stop moving to become ice. Learn to be water. Never stop learning.

More importantly, NEVER EVER EVER, stop loving yourself… ever. If no one else loves you, love yourself. It’s a start.

Stop… Look… Listen…

A break from the norm is much needed. Yes, a break from your regularly scheduled daily BS and abnormal lives is needed. Newscasts…stop. Music… stop. Workouts….stop! Job searching…. stop! Arguing… stop! Conversations… stop! Everything… stop!

There is a world going on outside. A world that is destroying itself. We as a people that are destroying each other, and as I am sitting here typing a tsunami is destroying part of Japan. Libya is at war, America is STILL at war abroad and here with Republicans vs. Democrats/Westboro Baptist Church vs. EVERYONE/Christians vs. Atheists/Tea Party vs. I have no idea/ insert your cause vs. insert their cause. Why? How? What is going on? We need to stop this madness!!! The mass media can’t do anything but incite fear and pandemonium about chaos and destruction around the world. It’s time to stop!! The world is slowly shifting due to global warming or whatever (I’m not a scientist) and we are shifting towards a dualist society where one side absolutely HAS TO be right and THE OTHER side has to be wrong. Where exactly is OUR FAULT LINE? When two sides are pushing one another, a shift happens and an earthquake occurs. It is time to stop.

Tupac Shakur once said in an interview (and I’m paraphrasing loosely here) that he compared black culture and music to black people being hungry for change like they are knocking on a door for food. They know that there’s people in there eating because when people answer the door saying that they don’t have any, they see an over-abundance of it as they are having food fights and throwing it around all over the place. They are literally singing for food. They aren’t given any. As the days turn to months, they get hungrier and as they get hungrier, the singing turns to yelling and thus… more demanding.

The time has come for the world to change. We need it. The world itself is calling for it. Is anyone looking?

Why? It’s time to listen and take a cue from nature. There is a season for everything. A time to heat up, a time to cool off. We need to listen to one another. No one takes anyone else seriously. It is so important for each side to be right and “IN MY PAST I WAS TREATED AND TOLD "________________"

The now is called the present for a reason… it is a gift for you. It is not a guarantee. Two eyes to look, two ears to listen, and one mouth to talk. The reason for that is so that you will think twice before you say anything. That is the design of things.

Listen to silence. No radios, no talking, just hear what is inside of yourself. That’s your heart and soul communicating. It’s the human spirit ringing. It’s a call to arms screaming out ‘I CAN’T TAKE IT!!’ It’s time to stand together and fix this. We need each other, the world needs us. We need to end the hate. Stop the pain that we are inflicting on one another and bring ourselves peace within our own hearts and minds and then we can fix others around us. It’s like when we get on a plane and they are giving us the pre-flight instructions, they tell us to put on our oxygen masks first then check our children. It seems backwards, but do it. We need to be safe in order to check others right? If we aren’t safe, we can’t save others.

Time is of the essence… Stop, look, listen… take your life back. Then take the time to check on someone else who may need you to help them take theirs back and then we can save little by little…

Ain't No Grave

This week has been kind of strange to say the least. I’ve done a lot of thinking. It’s had me alone in a dark place. Not in a bad way. Just thinking about my whole thirty-two years on this planet and all the people I’ve met and places I’ve been. The blessings (and curses) I have endured and had.

I think back to the car accident I was in on Mill Street back in October 1997 where I flew from the car through the windshield and onto the street after hitting my head.

I think back to the death of my son, Anthony Daniel Lee Ducksworth, August 14th, 1997-August 17th, 1997.

I thought about my abuelo, Magoo that died on my son, Da’lin’s birthday seven years ago.

I think about how my mother gave me to my grandparents after three months because I wasn’t wanted. I’ve heard many stories as to how that came to be, but they are far too numerous to mention here and actually, too personal to mention.

I think about Bryan B., a friend of mine who committed suicide on Thanksgiving Eve in 1994 because he felt alone and had no one to talk to. I still have his obituary in my photo album. I look at it from time to time.

Let’s cover some of these and I’m sure I’ll hit some others.

One Day We’ll Be Together Again

Anthony Daniel Lee Ducksworth, my oldest son would be turning 14 this year. His mother and I were together for a while back when I was a senior in high school. We had a pretty good relationship, but it was shaky at times because I wanted different things than she did. We broke up after I cheated on her. She was one and a half month pregnant. I was young and stupid with no sense of morals and had no interest in a serious relationship period. All I wanted to do was to be there for this child. She and I tried to remain civil to one another throughout the pregnancy, but I met another woman. This girl was everything I wanted. My ex, was now five months along and I was leaving for a two week vacation with my new girlfriend and her family. My ex was needless to say… not happy. The vacation went well and I did call my ex during the first week to check in. However, the second week I did not. I came back August 19th and called her as soon as I got back… that’s when she proceeded to tell me that she went into premature labor and they had to take the baby. His heart was weak and he had a hole in it to boot. They would need a few weeks for his respiration to get stronger before they could operate. It was highly risky. She was alone and didn’t know what to do so she said okay. He died three days later. She tried to page me but I didn’t call her back. I was out of range. It was on me. I should have been there but wasn’t. That was the last conversation we would have for a year. On the one year anniversary of Anthony’s death, she told me he was a boy and his name… we agreed if it was a boy what his name would be. We met for lunch… well me and like six of her friends. It was awkward, but I made it through it. We would not speak for twelve long years until 2009. We are good friends now. I’ve found out some more information about Anthony. He was cremated and was taken away. She didn’t want the pictures taken or anything. She just wanted it over. I felt horrible. Fourteen years later there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. The day that he died I heard Together Again by Janet Jackson for the first time. I swear it's him talking to me even now. I can see him dancing in Heaven with his uncle. One day I'll get to throw the football with him just like I do with Da'lin. When Da'lin was four he started telling me about his brother visiting him in his room, and his name is Anthony. I never mentioned him until he asked me.


 I never saw my oldest son. Kicker of this story? My mother used to tell me and my sisters about our older brother who died because of a hole in his heart when he was a baby. What was his name? My sons’ namesake… Anthony.

Speaking of my mother, we have gotten over the whole giving me away thing so that has no bearing on my life now. It just makes me think of how it has shaped my life. I was just not a part of her plan. Not to mention, I am so grateful to my grandparents for taking me in because they didn’t have to. They could have left me to foster care but they stepped up.

Hell On Wheels

I was hell on wheels as a teen. I knew it all and said it all. At eighteen (three months before Anthony died) I got into an argument with my grandfather over of all things… where to park in the driveway. Now, bear in mind… I had my senior concert that night (I played sax and tuba). We screamed all the way to the front door. He swung and hit me in the head. I didn’t want to hit him so instead… I hit the plate glass in the door. It cost me everything. Seventy-seven stitches in my right hand and three torn tendons. I had five hours of reconstructive surgery. They wanted to cut the whole hand of because gangrene had set in on the outside of my hand because I lost so much blood so fast. I was lifeflighted to Worcester from Leominster. They did one hell of a job in fixing my hand. Pain can’t describe the surgery. Six months of rehab and an air cast. I took my finals writing with my left hand and I played the tuba left handed at graduation. To this day, the outside of my right hand is numb.

Death is NOT the only way out.

Bryan B. is someone from my childhood that I met as a fourteen year old. We were introduced by a mutual friend over the summer of ’94. He liked our mutual friend a lot. She was a pretty girl, but she was kind of flighty. She never stuck to one guy for too long. She was a year younger than us. Bryan was a really nice guy. He came from a good family and he just needed… well, I really don’t know. We hung out some with our mutual friend over the summer and through the fall. Then, our mutual friend met someone. Bryan was a little upset. That was around Halloween. Thanksgiving came and Bryan called me. He asked me to ask my parents if he could sleep over. I asked if my parents if he could sleep over and they didn’t care. They met him a few times and they thought he was a nice kid. His parents told him to wait until after Thanksgiving dinner then he could stay over. He was mad about it and we talked on the phone for about an hour and I told him not to worry about it. He was really mad for some reason. All I told him was ‘we’ll talk about it tomorrow and his family just wants to spend time with him.’ I promised to talk the next day. He told me I was his closest friend and I understood him the most. I said that was kind of strange because we only had been friends for a few months. He and I hung up. I called the next day. Brian’s mom answered the phone and that’s when I found out he took his own life sometime in the middle of the night. My first experience with death. I was the last person he apparently talked to on this earth. That was seventeen years ago. He took a lot of pills and washed it down with some alcohol and that was it. He left a note… still no idea why. At the funeral, his mom said he talked about me a lot. All I ever did was offer an ear. That was it. In the few months I knew him, I just listened.


In the days of THE SOCIAL NETWORK

In these days, I see so many posts and news articles where people post cryptic things about suicide and such.

Facebook Suicide
Facebook Bullying




When did social networking become the substitution for friendship and actual counseling? I understand therapeutic, but writing that you want to kill yourself doesn’t solve much via Facebook. Pick up the phone and call someone who can help. Friendship is valued and should be cashed in at will. A true friend will be there, as long as it’s not abused. Reach out and call a friend. Even better call your mother, I call my 73 year old grandmother! I usually don’t like what she has to say, but that old wisdom has seen quite a few things. Instead of taking it to Facebook, head to a Face…LOOK! Family has got your back. If they don’t, then that’s all good too.


One thing is certain…uncertainty

Why does everyone have to speak different languages? It makes me so mad when I’m trying to tell someone something and they swear up and down that I’m saying something different. I know what I’m trying to say. If you don’t get it, ask me to explain it differently don’t just tell me what I’m saying.

The song in the link above You Don’t Know Me by Armand Van Helden has lyrics that mean something to me:


I don't ask for nothing
I'm always holding my own
Every time I turn around, there's something
People talking 'bout what they don't know
And when I try to move on up
They're always pullin' me down
I'm tired and I've had enough
It's my life, and i'm living it now

You don't even know me (ohh, you dont know me)
You say that I'm not livin' right (you don't understand the way
that I feel)
You don't understand me (you can't even see my pain)
So why do you judge my life (oohhh you don't know)

 
No one listens anymore. Well, most don’t that I know anyways. I only know what I am. I have no idea about anyone else. We all are certain about what we can do for ourselves.



Still No Grave

I think about last October and the conversations I had with my family. Ain’t No Grave was to be played as the pallbearers carried my coffin out. That was the plan. Come to find out, there is no brain tumor. There are so many times I was supposed to not make it. I planned on the worst. That ws how it was. Everyone was nice to me and supportive... once there was no tumor and just a migraine disorder, it was back to normal... for some people. Not for me. I now know that life is too short... there is no time for crap and disorder. Make the necessary changes and do something to enjoy the sunshine. Or live in the dark. Either way, know your surroundings and learn them. Get comfortable with them. Don't get stagnant. As we all know, life can't exist in stagnant water.




Click to learn the story of The Phoenix

  I was always fascinated by the phoenix and I even had it put on my class ring. The phoenix always rose from the ashes even better than before. No matter the circumstances. I’ve been to my own personal hell, and I’m still there now in some ways. Some people keep me there, some are trying to bring me out. There is still no grave that can hold this broken body down… not yet anyways. As the phoenix, I will rise again.