The Change

Who do I trust? ME! That's who!!!!

At the end of the day the question is.... Who can you trust? Really the question is an honest one. A lot of people are afraid to look deep within and BE HONEST. A LOT of people that would read this might actually have a myriad of feelings toward what I say with this post. I'll be honest... I trust MAYBE... 3 people with my life. Sure, there are quite a few people that say they have my back but it's all a bunch of BS. I know it and so do they. Fact is, what is important to me is not important to them. WHO is important to me isn't important to them. See, it's not about what they think about those people that matters... it's about what I think about those people. If I don't like someone then I just don't like them. I don't force people on others. If I know you don't like someone I'd never force you to have to interact with them... ever. I can't think of a situation where that would have to happen. It's so sad that I can't trust the people I grew up with to have my back. I'd trust them to go out for a beer or to come over and watch the game or maybe even go for a drive if I fought with a family member. Other than that... I got nothing.

I have to say that in life growing up, we all play that game where we say that we'd take a punch, bullet, or whatever for a friend... when we get older, that punch idea may be tested (theoretical or real) and I am certain.... CERTAIN there are less than 2 that would take that punch.... and (this is where the pissed part will come in) the takers are females. Fact is, I'd never allow them to but I know it would be to see me excel or save me from danger. The problem is this... too many people I know talk the friendship and they BULLSHIT the reality. True story. I always say don't just talk it dammit be about it.

I do not keep myself surrounded with BS at all. I do not keep myself surrounded with fake people. If you aren't with me, then you are against me. Simple as that. If you can't understand me, then it's not that I'm over-stating it you just better get a dictionary or step your game up cause I'm not changing. Do I seriously have to feel bad for being smarter than your level? Do I have to feel bad for not speaking at your level? Nope. I am an educated man and I will speak as such. This is why I crave like minded people and since I can't find them then I guess I'll just keep to myself and keep it at that.

I trust to believe that people will stick to me and when someone does wrong to me and mine they will honor that by knowing my boundaries. That does not happen with anyone. Not one person (and I do mean this) not one person will stick by that. Everyone I know will act like nothing happened when I'm not around or just forgo the situation as if I shouldn't care. That sits inside me like a raging inferno. Believe me... I don't forget... ever.

There is a fire that burns and it's full of anger and I can't tell you why it's there, but I CAN tell you how it got there.

I have watched all my friends change. They have either turned their backs on me or do nothing at all. Not a damn thing. Their handshakes don't match their smiles in other words. Too many times people look out for just themselves and decide to say and do hurtful stuff just to appease their own egos and blame it on timing, situation, resources, etc. How about this... take the time to consider the other person. Take the time to consider the situation that you're in before you make a stupid mistake that you can't take back.

Some would say I think I am a "know-it-all". Not only would I follow that up with a nice healthy 'fuck you very much', but I'd also say that I know me better than anyone else and I know my limits and I know what I need. I know everything about me and what I need. When I say I can't handle something or I don't like something then that should be the end of it. No other questions should be needed.

If someone disrespected one of my close friends, you better believe that person that did disrespect would damn sure hear about it from me and I'd make damn sure they knew what the deal was. If I call you family, it don't have to be blood to be that way. I'm gonna take care of you as if you were family and that means when you say someone done fucked up, I'm gonna say, "I got the tarp, let me go get the truck". All these cats don't know what family or friendship truly is. It's fine though. I just should have done a better job picking them out. Can't choose who you love. I've come close to trading blows with guys for each of the cats I call family. Can't say they would for me though... In fact, can't say they would even read this blog... I'd even venture to take a guess to say that if they did read this they would lie and blow this off and say they would take a punch for me or whatever cause that's just the type of friends I have.

Onward from that, about a month ago I had a seizure (again) and I called the doctor. They put me back on Topamax. I started at 50 mg and now I'm up to 200 mg/day. I like to call them my Hulk pills.

Not cause they are like steroids mind you, but because they make me moody and they make me mad... a lot. Here's the most complete list of side effects I could find:

SIDE EFFECTS: Tiredness, drowsiness, dizziness, loss of coordination, tingling of the hands/feet, loss of appetite, bad taste in your mouth, diarrhea, and weight loss may occur. Mental problems such as confusion, slowed thinking, trouble concentrating or paying attention, nervousness, memory problems, or speech/language problems may also occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, tell your doctor or pharmacist promptly.Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects.Tell your doctor right away if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: signs of kidney stones (such as severe back/side/abdominal/groin pain, fever, chills, painful/frequent urination, bloody/pink urine). A small number of people who take anticonvulsants for any condition (such as seizures, bipolar disorder, pain) may experience depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, or other mental/mood problems. Tell your doctor right away if you or your family/caregiver notice any unusual/sudden changes in your mood, thoughts, or behavior including signs of depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, thoughts about harming yourself.Tell your doctor right away if any of these rare but serious side effects occur: rapid breathing, fast/slow/irregular heartbeat, bone pain, broken bones, loss of consciousness. Rarely, topiramate may cause a very serious eye problem, generally within 1 month of starting treatment. If untreated, this eye problem can lead to permanent blindness. Therefore, get medical help right away if any of these side effects occur: sudden vision changes (such as decreased vision, blurred vision), eye pain/redness.This medication can rarely cause a serious metabolic problem (high amount of ammonia in the blood), especially if you are also taking valproic acid. Tell your doctor right away if you experience sudden/unexplained tiredness, vomiting, or mental changes (such as decreased alertness).A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is rare. However, get medical help right away if you notice any symptoms of a serious allergic reaction, including: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing.This is not a complete list of possible side effects.

All the bold stuff... I have. Lucky me.... See, the whole thing is, that I could use these things to my advantage and say that I can't hold my tongue due to my meds making me angry and blah blah blah... I won't say that. I love people around me too much to blame it on my meds. Each day that passes as I take my meds, I lose words and thoughts. In essense, I lose part of myself little by little. Even still I know who that little part of me that I keep is.

What I DID learn.... this new neuro Dr. Yin...

I will say her English sucks (HAHAHA) but she is good. Come to find out she is amazing! I have found out that my seizures may actually come from alcohol. Apparently, my seizures seem to be more active when I have little to no alcohol in my blood (according to my bloodwork) and the fact that my liver is 25 percent larger than it should be due to not producing some chemical that it should be. So her suggestion is not to be drinking at all. As of Christmas this year, I hope to be alcohol free... here's to fingers crossed.

Good news... my brain is clear.

Going to get back in the gym as of .... well, after this damn Hurricane Sandy blows over.... to prepare for football season in 2013! If the end of the world doesn't happen first! LOL! I will be looking to chase the ring until I catch it!!!

Mace, Manca, and anyone else that don't know.... Rev Duck is coming back and don't worry I'll get the medical. I've already started the long process. I want to make sure that I amn 100 percent a go before I put the helmet back on. ... Greatness my friends is upon you! And it will be upon me as well!! I'm working my way back to it!!!! Backup lineman... 3rd string lineman... don't matter. I'll be 34 and hell... I'll be blessed to be able to play again. 10 - 0 or 0 -10. I've been working on it for a month now and I'm hungrier than I've ever been.

I'm comin' for any and all QBs in 2013... smaller, faster, stronger and better.... and MORE PISSED OFF THAN BEFORE!!! Got a question... Who's more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose and everything to gain????

Answer: Nothing....

It's that damn fire....