The Change

Who do I trust? ME! That's who!!!!

At the end of the day the question is.... Who can you trust? Really the question is an honest one. A lot of people are afraid to look deep within and BE HONEST. A LOT of people that would read this might actually have a myriad of feelings toward what I say with this post. I'll be honest... I trust MAYBE... 3 people with my life. Sure, there are quite a few people that say they have my back but it's all a bunch of BS. I know it and so do they. Fact is, what is important to me is not important to them. WHO is important to me isn't important to them. See, it's not about what they think about those people that matters... it's about what I think about those people. If I don't like someone then I just don't like them. I don't force people on others. If I know you don't like someone I'd never force you to have to interact with them... ever. I can't think of a situation where that would have to happen. It's so sad that I can't trust the people I grew up with to have my back. I'd trust them to go out for a beer or to come over and watch the game or maybe even go for a drive if I fought with a family member. Other than that... I got nothing.

I have to say that in life growing up, we all play that game where we say that we'd take a punch, bullet, or whatever for a friend... when we get older, that punch idea may be tested (theoretical or real) and I am certain.... CERTAIN there are less than 2 that would take that punch.... and (this is where the pissed part will come in) the takers are females. Fact is, I'd never allow them to but I know it would be to see me excel or save me from danger. The problem is this... too many people I know talk the friendship and they BULLSHIT the reality. True story. I always say don't just talk it dammit be about it.

I do not keep myself surrounded with BS at all. I do not keep myself surrounded with fake people. If you aren't with me, then you are against me. Simple as that. If you can't understand me, then it's not that I'm over-stating it you just better get a dictionary or step your game up cause I'm not changing. Do I seriously have to feel bad for being smarter than your level? Do I have to feel bad for not speaking at your level? Nope. I am an educated man and I will speak as such. This is why I crave like minded people and since I can't find them then I guess I'll just keep to myself and keep it at that.

I trust to believe that people will stick to me and when someone does wrong to me and mine they will honor that by knowing my boundaries. That does not happen with anyone. Not one person (and I do mean this) not one person will stick by that. Everyone I know will act like nothing happened when I'm not around or just forgo the situation as if I shouldn't care. That sits inside me like a raging inferno. Believe me... I don't forget... ever.

There is a fire that burns and it's full of anger and I can't tell you why it's there, but I CAN tell you how it got there.

I have watched all my friends change. They have either turned their backs on me or do nothing at all. Not a damn thing. Their handshakes don't match their smiles in other words. Too many times people look out for just themselves and decide to say and do hurtful stuff just to appease their own egos and blame it on timing, situation, resources, etc. How about this... take the time to consider the other person. Take the time to consider the situation that you're in before you make a stupid mistake that you can't take back.

Some would say I think I am a "know-it-all". Not only would I follow that up with a nice healthy 'fuck you very much', but I'd also say that I know me better than anyone else and I know my limits and I know what I need. I know everything about me and what I need. When I say I can't handle something or I don't like something then that should be the end of it. No other questions should be needed.

If someone disrespected one of my close friends, you better believe that person that did disrespect would damn sure hear about it from me and I'd make damn sure they knew what the deal was. If I call you family, it don't have to be blood to be that way. I'm gonna take care of you as if you were family and that means when you say someone done fucked up, I'm gonna say, "I got the tarp, let me go get the truck". All these cats don't know what family or friendship truly is. It's fine though. I just should have done a better job picking them out. Can't choose who you love. I've come close to trading blows with guys for each of the cats I call family. Can't say they would for me though... In fact, can't say they would even read this blog... I'd even venture to take a guess to say that if they did read this they would lie and blow this off and say they would take a punch for me or whatever cause that's just the type of friends I have.

Onward from that, about a month ago I had a seizure (again) and I called the doctor. They put me back on Topamax. I started at 50 mg and now I'm up to 200 mg/day. I like to call them my Hulk pills.

Not cause they are like steroids mind you, but because they make me moody and they make me mad... a lot. Here's the most complete list of side effects I could find:

SIDE EFFECTS: Tiredness, drowsiness, dizziness, loss of coordination, tingling of the hands/feet, loss of appetite, bad taste in your mouth, diarrhea, and weight loss may occur. Mental problems such as confusion, slowed thinking, trouble concentrating or paying attention, nervousness, memory problems, or speech/language problems may also occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, tell your doctor or pharmacist promptly.Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects. Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects.Tell your doctor right away if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: signs of kidney stones (such as severe back/side/abdominal/groin pain, fever, chills, painful/frequent urination, bloody/pink urine). A small number of people who take anticonvulsants for any condition (such as seizures, bipolar disorder, pain) may experience depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, or other mental/mood problems. Tell your doctor right away if you or your family/caregiver notice any unusual/sudden changes in your mood, thoughts, or behavior including signs of depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, thoughts about harming yourself.Tell your doctor right away if any of these rare but serious side effects occur: rapid breathing, fast/slow/irregular heartbeat, bone pain, broken bones, loss of consciousness. Rarely, topiramate may cause a very serious eye problem, generally within 1 month of starting treatment. If untreated, this eye problem can lead to permanent blindness. Therefore, get medical help right away if any of these side effects occur: sudden vision changes (such as decreased vision, blurred vision), eye pain/redness.This medication can rarely cause a serious metabolic problem (high amount of ammonia in the blood), especially if you are also taking valproic acid. Tell your doctor right away if you experience sudden/unexplained tiredness, vomiting, or mental changes (such as decreased alertness).A very serious allergic reaction to this drug is rare. However, get medical help right away if you notice any symptoms of a serious allergic reaction, including: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing.This is not a complete list of possible side effects.

All the bold stuff... I have. Lucky me.... See, the whole thing is, that I could use these things to my advantage and say that I can't hold my tongue due to my meds making me angry and blah blah blah... I won't say that. I love people around me too much to blame it on my meds. Each day that passes as I take my meds, I lose words and thoughts. In essense, I lose part of myself little by little. Even still I know who that little part of me that I keep is.

What I DID learn.... this new neuro Dr. Yin...

I will say her English sucks (HAHAHA) but she is good. Come to find out she is amazing! I have found out that my seizures may actually come from alcohol. Apparently, my seizures seem to be more active when I have little to no alcohol in my blood (according to my bloodwork) and the fact that my liver is 25 percent larger than it should be due to not producing some chemical that it should be. So her suggestion is not to be drinking at all. As of Christmas this year, I hope to be alcohol free... here's to fingers crossed.

Good news... my brain is clear.

Going to get back in the gym as of .... well, after this damn Hurricane Sandy blows over.... to prepare for football season in 2013! If the end of the world doesn't happen first! LOL! I will be looking to chase the ring until I catch it!!!

Mace, Manca, and anyone else that don't know.... Rev Duck is coming back and don't worry I'll get the medical. I've already started the long process. I want to make sure that I amn 100 percent a go before I put the helmet back on. ... Greatness my friends is upon you! And it will be upon me as well!! I'm working my way back to it!!!! Backup lineman... 3rd string lineman... don't matter. I'll be 34 and hell... I'll be blessed to be able to play again. 10 - 0 or 0 -10. I've been working on it for a month now and I'm hungrier than I've ever been.

I'm comin' for any and all QBs in 2013... smaller, faster, stronger and better.... and MORE PISSED OFF THAN BEFORE!!! Got a question... Who's more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose and everything to gain????

Answer: Nothing....

It's that damn fire....

Purify Me And Make Me New

Good Morning,

Here's a minor science lesson for you. Did you know if you burn grain alcohol (as in the kind you drink like vodka, run, tequila, etc) you will burn away the water from that alcohol and you'll have a more pure grain? Also, the purer the alcohol, the more flammable it is? Pure.

Yeah, I said it...pure. For the past few months if you are a friend of mine on Facebook you've obviously seen me post this

This speech is from ET The Hip Hop Preacher (Eric Thomas). He truthfully has changed my life. When I was working at Sprint I saw this video and I realized that I wanted to leave there and become successful as badly as I wanted to breathe. It took a few months, but I did it. Got a job with BNY Mellon that pays me more than I realized I was worth with no experience. All I did was do what ET talks about. Get a reward from pain. The pain of that crappy job and knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it... or could I?

Over the past few days, I've been listening to his T.G.I.M. (Thank God It's Monday) videos. Gotta say this one got to me again

Understand this, some people never want to hear the positive. Negativity breeds negativity!!! It's like sunlight to a vampire. When all you think is CAN'T you are NEVER going to see the CAN nor will you want to. You don't understand the fire that is burning inside of me? I've turned it over. PURIFIED!!! Burning away the unnecessary things in my life. Something was recently put on my heart... Anyone remember the saying 'Things that are good aren't always good for you."? ET put it this way "Everyting that is good to you isn't good for you.". The people in your life may be good to you, but they aren't good FOR you. 

Recently, I had it out with a 'friend' of mine that I considered family. You all know nothing... NOTHING in my life is off limits and I share everything. This 'friend' has only hung with me 3 times in the past year since he got in a relationship. Now, understand this.... normally one would think to blame the girl and say 'She changed him'. I absolutely refuse to say that. It's on my boy, not her. He has to want to chill with the friend he called for rides from the airport at 10 PM, the friend he had no issue calling when he didn't have a girl and he was feeling all alone and misunderstood, the one who gave him rides to work when he lost his license and making my son late for school in the process.... yeah, that's me. It's not on her, it's on him. Now, this week (after 7 months of him blowing me off) he decided to start calling me and I just avoided the phone call. After a month of avoiding him, he has the nerve to text me to 'explain myself' and 'he though we were friends'. True story. I could have asked him the same thing. The PEOPLE that are good to you aren't necessary good FOR you! There are a few other things happened, but what I've typed ALONE is enough to call it a day. This 'friend' wants to meet up and 'voice our concerns'. I couldn't even believe he thinks he has concerns!!! I never went anywhere! I never turned my back on him. But, that's okay.

Gotta burn away the negativity and keep with the people that love me and are about something!!!

Understand, I've been up since 7 AM. Why? Because I should be up. ET said he gets up at 3:30 AM every day. Why? Because Ted Turner does and he's a millionaire. He want to be one as well so GET UP!!! I'm not all about that, but I realize... if you're not up then you're sleeping and you have no chance to make changes in your life. You can't clean your living space, you can't be learning, you can't be living to your fullest potential if you lay there in bed til 10 or 11. Nothing is getting donw and chances are, you're gonna sit yourself on the couch all day and let the day pass by without you getting anything accomplished! That's right I said it... nothing will get accomplished. Chances are you won't see one ray of sunshine or feel one drop of rain and you wouldn't know which one is out there becuase you're too busy being counterproductive. I spend the weekends seein gmy kids, family, seeing the world. And I love seeing it! Seeing what other people are doing, feeling the breeze on my face, smiling at other people and looking them in the eyes.

My boss said to my son yesterday (which she has NEVER told me) that when I come to work I always make people smile even if they are having a bad day or don't feel like smiling. The reason for that? Because I am genuinely happy to see each and every person each day and I make sure that they feel appreciated. Apparently, she (my boss) knows that.... and appreciates it.

Purify!!! Get rid of all the excess and unnecessary things that are not conducive to what you want. What is good to you may not be good for you. Remember that! It may sting a little  to say good bye to the person you have been comfortable with or getting rid of that yes man, but it will help out in the end. It will make you better.

The enemy of best is the good. If you're always settling with what's good, you'll never be the best.

-Jerry Rice

This one, talks about getting the most out of life. It also goes in to getting rid on the extra crap that isn't necessary. Lose the yes men and those that would half-ass it in life. Let me say this, if they will half-ass it through life, they will half-ass everything in your friendship. Real talk. For example, you're having a bad day and you need a friend to talk to. Guaranteed they won't pump you up to get motivated again. All they are gonna say is some variation of "Damn, that sucks.... hope it all works out. Don't worry it's not you. They just suck." Great words of encouragement right? PURIFY!!!! Only when it's pure is when it's at it's best!!! Make your life pure!!! Let the rest of the crap go!!! Stop procrastinating and get the most out of it!!! Don't let the people in your life let mediocre be your best!!! If being mediocre is their best it doesn't mean it has to be yours.

Don't make excuses, make adjustments.  If you don't know how to find ET The Hip Hop Preacher, find him on Facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/#!/THEHIPHOPPREACHER

Do me a favor... suggest this blog to 1 friend... just one. I want to have WAY more followers than I have now...

Here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reinvention Is The Hardest Thing To Do

Reinvent –

Verb (used with object)

1.

To invent again or anew, especially without knowing that the invention already exists.

2.

To remake or make over, as in a different form: At 60, he reinvented himself as a volunteer. We have an opportunity to reinvent government.

3.

To bring back; revive: to reinvent trust and accountability.

Hello followers, the topic if today is reinvention. This is where I am at in life and I planned to share it with you. I have been thinking lately that I need to change a few things in my life. Hell, even an overhaul. I need more in life than what I am. It’s to the point of needing a change in my life. I need a total overhaul. Each day I feel more and more like I am the one that needs to change. No one around me is changing. In fact, scratch that... the ones that are changing are taking my life and calling it worthless by being backstabbers or ungrateful. So what else do I do but change myself? I could just remain the same, but what good would that do? I’ve tried my hand at being the bad guy and blaming life on everyone else. I’ve tried being the bad guy and shouldering the entire blame saying I deserve everything I get. I’ve tried being the good guy and to ‘kill them with kindness’. Suffice it to say… none of these worked. I’ve been this kind of person all my life.  The one that takes pain, sacrifice, and loneliness to rework it into something else whether it is for revenge, motivation, or proof. In life, most reinvent themselves twice.

1.       The start of high school

2.       Mid-life crisis

As interesting as these moments are in one’s life, we make little changes throughout but only a MAJOR overhaul during these ones.

The interesting thing about these moments is that they are defense mechanisms against change on the outside. For example, let’s take the high school change.

It’s a new surrounding with new people. The significance couldn’t be greater. You find yourself in need of something, some way to fit in but stand apart. Some way to be noticed… reinvention!! Change your way of talking, dressing, walking all in ONE summer… just to get ahead. Well, not really getting ahead cause you’re not winning anything by reinventing yourself but we all seem to think (at that time) that this is the perfect answer to everything.

I went through all that to explain how I am feeling. Basically this, I am going into a reinvention phase in my life. It’s not a mid-life crisis by any stretch but I am desperately trying to find something to believe in. The people in my life are fake, swearing that they are friends but either I don’t know them, or there are more important people in their lives than the guy who dropped everything at one time to lead a helping hand. I am done with it. I can’t change all the fake ass people in my life, so I’ve gotta change me. Clothes, speaking, and the walk aren’t the changes I need. The reinvention process is a way of thinking. How you perceive the world at large. I see everything falling by the wayside after everything is done.

It’s not a positive or negative change; it’s just a part of the reinvention process.  I’ve found that I invest too much energy on things that aren’t investing in me. For example, I’m not gonna lie about my love affair with food. I crave it like nothing else. I eat because it’s there and regardless if I ate a short time before a craving it doesn’t matter, I want it. Last week I ate 3 full meals a matter of half an hour because I just wanted food. I can’t explain how or when this happened… but it did. Topping almost 300 lbs I really need to change that habit. When go thru the energy of constantly eating if it’s having negative impact on my body? Basic law of computers says ‘Garbage in, garbage out’. Even if you eat healthy things all the time, but eat it in bulk there is no benefit. You’re just over eating healthily. Makes no sense either.

To invest in someone, is a big thing for me. I invest in my friends, my family, and my close companion every day. It’s a process of reinvesting because you can choose to leave, not talk to them, or just simply vanish from their lives. The basic principle is this, if I’ve been involved in someone’s’ life for multiple years and they don’t have the decency to be real with me and around me then truthfully I don’t need them or their drama. How can you claim friendship, love, or trust if you can’t keep it real with me? Everything at that point would have been a lie. If I don’t know you then I don’t trust you. Simple as that.

At the point of being 33 years old and seeing my life falling apart at the rate of all the icebergs in Antarctica is a very eye opening experience. It pisses me off to know that people I thought I could trust are either fake or just not being open with me. You can’t see it now, but there is steam coming out of my ears from being so pissed about it.

So, here I sit… what is there in this new process of reinvention? What do I change? One thing I can’t change is how I feel about people. I give myself to friends and that won’t change… I am someone to count on when times are rough… that won’t change either. I guess I can just guard my heart and not let anyone in… period. Not showing emotion because they are not worthy of it. They being fake people, those who would ‘hide’ what they are to my face and knowingly do so.

There are something’s that I do not forgive and that is one of them. If I will invest in you by showing and sharing my life and you would knowingly be fake to me? That’s a wrap. How can it be, that someone would share their life and their deep personal thoughts then have that person turn around and set up a fake persona? It’s pissing me off more just thinking about it.

The absolute question is this? Can you reinvent yourself an a non-critial time? Of course, it is non-critical to others, but for one in need of this reinvention  it is quite critical. Many will remind you that it 'just isn't you' once you start making those changes. It's not an easy task by any stretch when you're trying to make positive changes but people want you to fall flat. I think I can make those moves with or without the confirmations. I've learned that when you believe you know someone... you actually don't. Maybe, the real person you don't know... is yourself.

Back In The Saddle

Well, I'm back online. It's been awhile since my last post. Let me just say that it's been all good as of late. I'm turning 33 in exactly one week from today and I couldn't be happier with life, but I do wish I was younger. I see the greys and I wonder, am I really that old? Of course, to those that are in their 50s I apologize because some wish they had the 33 year old problem. I am just extremely scared of getting old. Onto other things...

I am teetering on 300 pounds! That's right. I used to be this:

Now, I am this:

Way different huh? I hate being this big, however... I choose to be lazy and do nothing about it. It's rediculous how some people bitch about what they can change, but they don't. I don't like what I am physically, but I must not hate it enough to really do anything about it. I recognize my faults and I am aware. Self aware. Not to say that I am the bets, but I am one of a select few that is. I say this a lot in my blogs, but please be self aware and recognize yourself for who you are. Why put yourself down and then get angry if someone doesn't help to put you back together or pick you up? You dug your own ditch so you must've wanted to be there. At least that's how I see it.

Now onto my job... What else can I say? I love it!!! I took today off because I am extremely sick. Head cold. I never miss a day of work when I'm sick. I hate missing days. I learned at a young age from my mother that even if you are sick, just give it a try. Try to go to work and you may feel better as the day goes on. I however, am still feeling like crap. This weekend is going to be tough cause I have a lot to do and I am not feeling very good. I will push through it though. My bosses are so understanding and they make my job so great. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it all is. I'm truly blessed to work there. Next blog, I'll have to post pics of my cubicle.

Let's move ahead to another thing.... It was a hot topic a few months ago...

It's Tebow time...

Does this image bother you? Does it make you hot under the collar? I want to talk about this for a few. What is the issue on both sides that make people so angry about him and what he does? Or doesn't for that matter?

What Tebow Doesn't

• Throw well consistently
• Talk intelligently about football plays offensively or defensively
• Read defenses well (as per the 2011 season shows)

Let me start by explaining these few things. The throwing well consistently. In only three games did he have a passer rating of over 100. VS KC, San Diego, and Minnesota. See for yourself

Tim Tebow Stats For 2011

Whenever someone talks about how bad Tebow is as a QB, people get all crazy. Well, some do. People say how some hate on Tebow because of his beliefs (Just plain rediculous) or that he is a leader (which he inspires others to play to the best of their abilities) regardless of how horrible he is. The fact is, Tim tebow is just a mediocre QB at BEST! Not saying he can't or won't get better, but as far as 2011 goes... He basically sucked. A season QB rating of 72? That is horrible. Course, with his work ethic he should get better. Will he? Maybe. Is he currently worth more as a vocal leader than say, TJ Yates? NOPE.

I give Tim Tebow all the credit in the world for being a light in a dark and dreary world, but why hate on him for that? I blame the media for that. I did a Google search on Tim Tebow and guess how long it to find a picture of Tebow "Tebowing"? Not in 15 pages. Don't believe me? Try it. Tim Tebow is more that a Christian. He is a mediocre QB that just happens to stand by his faith win or lose. You wanna know some other Christians that are/have been in the NFL?

Reggie White - Minister
Inner City Church (Knoxville, TN)

Ray Lewis - Devout Christian

Tom Landry - Devout Methodist
Taught Sunday School BEFORE games

Tony Dungy - Devout Christian
Shared his faith with everyone including...

Don Davis - Associate Pastor
 Special Teams Backer for NE Partiots in '03 and '04
To...

Now Regional Director Of The NFLPA was previously
Assistant Strength And Conditioning Coach to NE

None of these men are scrutinized nor were they ever whilest they played the game. I had the pleasure of listening to Don Davis deliver a great sermon a few years ago and I will say, he is one of the most down to Earth men Christian or otherwise I have ever met. The media doesn't cover ANYONE like they did Tim Tebow. Everytime they showed him, he was "Tebowing" well, let's call it what it is... PRAYING!!! HE never once asked the audience at home to become a Christian or to stop doing what you do... he just thanks his Lord and Saviour. That's it... nothing more. I bet if he were spotted out drinking like a fish or had illegitimate kids out there those who complain he puts his religion 'in your face' would be saying "See? That's a Christian for you!" One of my favorite players I was ever blessed to see play was 2011 HOF inductee, WR, Safety, CB, Special Teams Returner for the San Francisco 49ers, Washington Redskins, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, and Baltimore Ravens...

Deion Sanders - Mentor to youth and Devout Christian

Back to my original statement about Tebow (after all that). Next up, his 'intelligent' talk about football.

Very generic... so vanilla. While I do think he has the intensity to get it done, he needs to read the playbook more and understand the lingo.

What Tebow Does Well

• Unwaivering faith
• Born Alpha Male Team Leader
• Humble (For the most part)

He begins every single interview (except the post game after the Steelers win) with "First and foremost I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and my teammates..." I can see some athiests shoulders getting all tense. That is exactly what you're conditioned to do. And what's expected. He truly loves his Savior and he just expresses it. Daily. Who cares that he prays? Or that he thanks God every time. Win or lose. Even Ray Lewis said "God don't make mistakes' in his post game speech after the loss to New England.

Ray Lewis is one of the best to ever do it. Not one analyst mentioned him discussing God at all.

Alpha Male Team Leader. Tim Tebow inspires his teammates to be and do better. That's just a plain fact. I don't have to prove it cause the facts are just there. His words and actions speak louder than anything he can do on the field.

He is for the most part humble, except when he is always talking about what he is building a school or hanging with a sick person... Yes, it is important as a Christian to help others and be charitable but the realest of those you will never know they did anything cause they feel good in their heart to do good and don't need to tell the world about it.

Okay, it is time to stop with Tebow talk.  But to continue with football...

Bob Kraft  and Co with AFC trophy!! 2011 AFC Champs!!

I must say that game was a stomach turner!!! Such a great game!! I loved it. So glad they came out on top. Complain about the scoreboard all you want... the Pats WON!!!

Okay, so I'm gone with that talk now... Moving on to something else...

Whatever happened to friendship? It seems everything is dwindling down to nothing as far as my friends go. People will change and I get that, but it is completely upsetting that everyone is leaving my life. To think you can trust people then out of nowhere due to their personal gain or personal vendettas that they will sell me or my true friends/family short to make up a little ground. It's time for some house cleaning I think. Don't keep people in your life that don't value you, your friendship, your love, or your life. Cause if you stick it out with those odds, you're a damn fool and have no one to blame when it goes south. There are so many suckers out there who constantly deal with being pushed around by lovers, useless friends, or just people in general and they seriously believe that they will get good out of it. Plain foolishness. Most definitely. I shouldn't judge but I will in this case. I believe in friendship wholeheartedly and once you have me for a friend you have me for life... however, most don't feel that way other than me. Too many friends turn their backs on me for no reason. I had their backs and they give me no friendship back. Well, at least only when I was relevant. Well no more, if you're out you're out. Fact is, if you ruin our friendship for any reason... I'm out. Never letting you back in either... my rule.

Also, this year I will be moving on from Pop Warner to AYF. I spent many years with Pop Warner, but I will never let my son play there again.... not after what I nor Lynn had to deal with this past year. When working with kids it should NEVER be about politics. It should be about the children. There are certain elements of Leominster Pop Warner that do not believe that. Will I coach or not at AYF? Maybe not, but one thing is for sure... my son will NEVER play Pop Warner again.

Each day I find my self becoming highly critical of those around me. Why the hell is everyone so damn fake? Kissing ass to your face, then dogging you behind your back. Yet, they can be all up on your Facebook as a 'friend' or even still, just cause I may say hi to you occassionally that does not make us friends. I have people in my life who swear they are close to me, but I know good and damn well they would sell me out for a few dollars or to gain favor with someone who would give them more than I can. All I can say is they will find out what type of person I am soon enough. Fact. In that, I will not tolerate fakeness of any sort from anyone. We will no longer be friends in any way. Lose my number and address. All set with that. Whether I've known you for 10 years or 10 minutes... see ya!

In all that you do, you must believe in yourself. Forget what everyone else says. There are those who would dare to say that you can't win, or won't finish. Don't finish it to prove them wrong. Do it because you know you can.I got a call from one of my friends to ask me what my football plans were this year. Now, I was going to go back last year but due to the surgery I had last year that was thwarted. This year, I'm okay to go. I may be A LOT over weight but I can still do O line. I'm ready to try it at least. Many will say that I can't, but you can bet your ass I'm going to give it my all. That's a fact.

I'm in need of a change... and I'm going to make a few changes. Friendships will be ended, sadness will go away, and in order to give way to peace... somethings have to change. Make the necessary changes in your life and you will succeed. Whether it make hurt or not... just make the adjustments and get rid of the trash in your life. Don't bitch about the people in it and give them free passes to ruin you... if you keep that up, I'll tell you to your face you're an idiot.

As always, comments are welcome and so are your subscriptions!! Suggest to friends please!!!

Duck

Time In, Time Out

This is not a usual post for me. It's just a few random thoughts on everything that has happened over the past few weeks in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood as of the past few weeks and I truly miss it. Everything was so young and new. Each summer was... well, summer! Nothing to do but pass the lazy days away. There was always opportunity. No one ever talked about the end of days, increased violence in the streets, sexual predators preying on our youth, and times were innocent.

As a youth, I had my grandparents that I loved with all my heart, but I was always bitter about the fact I had no sense of belonging. For two middle-aged grandparents to take on a child that is not theirs must be hard to take in and deal with with little thought of the future. I spent many happy years in Mississippi visiting my great-grandparents during the summer months. My grandparents and I would travel to Ole Miss by car. My grandfather would drive and we'd just take in the sights of these great states of ours. I would pull out my Gameboy and just play until I fell asleep. I can remember oe time when I got the new JJ Fad single Supersonic

Those were the days that I miss. Being a youth, not caring about bills, money, or a job. Just having a sense of self and being carefree. I knew where I was going because I didn't have to think about it. Each day was laid out for me. Now that I'm older I have to stand on my own two feet and everything I do is accountable. I can't even think straight sometimes and I make the wrong choice sometimes.

When I started this blog I wanted to chronicle my life and journey cause I didn't know what was going to happen to me in the days ahead and now my health has improved and it's just a place to vent and a sounding board.

I think back to when I started this, and it was more or less about my interactions with God, people, and my own thoughts. The game has changed now. I don't go to church, I don't interact with people much, and I don't play football anymore. I just am here. I still coach football, but nothing else. I've been so busy with this job that I really don't do much else. I'm trying to make the necessary changes that I need to in order for my life to be better. As I said before, I deserve better! In this life, you absolutely have to make the best of things. If you don't, you will most certainly miss out.

When I think about the past 10 years since I became a father, I feel like I've grown a lot. Everyday there is something new to learn about. I can't remember when or why it happened, but somewhere along the way I decided there would be no more fucks given about people who don't care about themselves. It strikes me as absurd that people who don't give a shit about themselves expecting others to jump up and force them to look in the mirror to realize their worth. I have to say, if someone values their life, their family, their love.... then you need to fight. Everyday fight the negativity within yourself and move on to the positive things that will make things worthwhile. You must fight for what you love! For WHO you love.

When life blows up in your face you must fight for the love that will keep you warm and safe. Too many times, people use love as a scapegoat and mask it for comfort. Love by it's very definition is tangible. You can see what it is and how it moves people.

Love can make you change facets of yourself that you were never going to concede to. Don't get it twisted though, there is no need give in to demands if it infringes on your beliefs. Be who you are and accept your own faults. Here's the facts, I know who I am inside and will not apologize for it. I give myself time to think and reflect on my life and I realize that I am not perfect. Hate me or love me. Family, friends, enemies all know to take me as I am. I take others out of the equation when I think about what my next steps are going to be. If it turns out that they are going to make me end up in the wrong side of the equation then I guess I'm just gonna be the bad guy. See it just doesn't matter what other people think of me cause I know who I am on the inside and NO ONE will change me or make me feel bad about who I am. I grew up a fighter and will always be. I play hard and love hard. When I love, you are in my life till you mess it up. If I don't like you, then we just won't speak. I don't play make believe with people. If I am not feeling you, I won't acknowledge your presence cause it would be disrespectful to you by pretending to like you.

On another note, let's stop playing games on Facebook. The most annoying person is the one that feeels the need to put their business on status updates then get defensive when their friends comment contrary to what they think. Shameless promotion on how you're a notch above everyone else cause you can fend for yourself, or you're not on welfare, etc. Just stop it. Since when does the internet validate who you are? If you love yourself who gives a damn what Facebook sees you as. So damn annoying. If Facebook gets you that mad, then stop using it. Off the soapbox now...

I've recently found Dubstep music again. It is most definitely an acquired taste. It is heavy on the distorted bass. Here's a few of my favorite tracks:

Golddust- Flux Pavillion

Nice Sprites And Scary Monsters- Skrillex

Woo Boost- Rusko



Three of my fave tracks right there. I've been listening to music a lot more because it calms me. Even dubstep. I've decided with this new job, I'm going to start to save to start up my own DJ business. I'm going to buy:

I want it!!!! Numark V7

Also, I made myself a membership with Top Hits USA. They send you the Billboard Hits from each week or month, depending on your membership. Also, I want to create mix tapes for people. For free, cause I love music that much and I want to share it with the world. Just me.

Find peace within yourself, live to learn and then you can learn to live. If you believe in yourself even when no one else does, that will make you stronger. That's it. Do me a favor, I love this blog... that's why I write it. Suggest this blog to someone...anyone. I'd like at least 10 followers by Christmas. As always, comments are welcome! Much love and stay true to you,

Duck

Results May Vary

I’ve been thinking over the past few weeks about a lot of things. There’s so much going on, and here I am… about to share it with you. For some reason I feel like more people than usual are going to read it. Here goes…


I got a new job that I start on 5December. It’s for an asset services banking institution making almost 40K a year. The best part it? It’s Mon – Fri 930 – 6 PM. I deserved it and I got it. Entry level. It’s what I wanted and I fought for it. I’ve been applied for probably 20 to 25 jobs at BNY Mellon and I finally hit paydirt. Heck yeah! I left Sprint as Black Friday was my last day. I was short-timing it like crazy. I hated it there. So glad it’s over. My time there taught me one thing: NO MORE RETAIL! Finished! EVER! I am ready to move on to bigger and better things not to mention a career! My title is Control Accounting Specialist with BNY Mellon.



I’m so tired of everyone who is not Christian having something to say about religion. Freedom of speech and freedom of religion DOES NOT only apply to every other religion except Christianity. It’s so annoying that everyone gets mad when (for example) a Christian says ‘God bless you’ then they get all high and mighty saying they are offended because you ‘assumed’ they believe in God. Newsflash, if you can wear your t-shirts promoting your religion or bumper stickers then why can’t a Christian promote theirs? I mean really, as long as they aren’t flooding your inbox with Christian emails or ‘bible-thumping’ whenever you’re together then leave them alone. If it’s in passing just look past the comment and move on. When a Jewish person says Happy Chanukkah to me I just respond in kind. I don’t have to believe or practice their religion in order to be polite. It seems people just take advantage of saying ‘Freedom Of Religion’ That means that all religions can practice what they want and live their life like they see fit according to their religion. Follow my words carefully, just because SOME Christians are ‘bible-thumping’ and feel the need to put down other religions, not all are like that but why put them down? You can preach your stuff and all they are doing is ‘responding in kind’. This world is large enough for everyone to have their own beliefs.



Relationships are hard work. It’s not easy to maintain happiness. Interpersonal relationships are tough too. For me, it seems most people expect me to form myself into their molds. I get mad at people, but I accept them at their face value. Just because I don’t do what other people want, or give in to their demands it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. Saying how you really feel regardless of feelings that the other person may have about the conversation shows you respect the other person enough to say what you feel. Part of saying how you feel involves accepting the repercussions. If I say something to someone, I don’t expect them to like what I say or do what I want. I only speak my mind because I feel I need to at that moment. I believe in being a great conversationalist, my words are important enough for me to speak them so it’s on you what you do with them. Sometimes people do or say things cause they can’t communicate correctly. They will sacrifice themselves just to get back at you. Why? It makes no sense. The tit for tat game is for children. As adults, we need to put that crap in the past. Communication is clutch when it comes to interpersonal relationships.



I guess the main point is this…



Results May Vary



In everything we do, no matter what the outcome will be different for everyone. Respect difference, but don’t exploit someone else who has the same rights as you do. Don’t infringe on someone elses’ rights just to grow your own. Everyday, there are people who are being killed for their religion in third world countries. It won’t kill anyone to just let people worship in their own way in this one. If someone for example say Merry Christmas, Happy Kwaanza, Happy Chanukkah, etc. just respond in your own way. If you choose to use a sweeping generalization of Happy Holidays knock yourself out. If you see Tim Tebow on TV starting each interview with “First off, I want to that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for…” and it annoys you, turn the TV or at least give the man credit for showing his faith, cause if he were in your faith would it bother you? Most would answer ‘Probably not.’ If the person were an atheist and they say that God doesn’t exist and so were you would it bother you? Probably not.



Love is a living thing. It changes everyone in different ways. It comes down to this… If you are in love, it will make you want to change. You will find happiness in seeing your partner smile. Your friendships will become better because you will enjoy the conversation with your friends and value what they say. When you’re in love, you should be allowed to speak your mind and not hide your anger. Just remember, you may not like everything people do but don’t think that they have to change it because you feel they way you do. Don’t be vengeful towards people you love. No ulterior motives. That is not love. You can be mad at them, but why do things to hurt them on purpose? Or do things to them in order to ‘do it back to them’… all you’re doing is making yourself look like an ass.


Finally, I did what I set out to do. I have a great job now (which I said I would do). It took a lot to get me here, but I made it. Is it possible to change your life? Well, Results May Vary...

I'll write again tomorrow. Comment if you want to! :o)

Be Like Water...

As we draw closer to the end of 2011, I wonder what is to come of us in the coming years. Will the world hit an enlightened consciousness and desire for humanitarian efforts so we can exist in peace? There's so much talk about the Mayan calendar and the 'ending of the world'. Does anyone know what happens 'after'? What if the world in fact is going to end on December 21st, 2012? Where will you go? Will you go back to your home and just lay there and hope the ending is not painful? Will you huddle up your kids and pray to the God you never thought existed? Will you just continue as if nothing is going to happen all that day? All good scenarios....

Now, what if the world doesn't end? Will you wake up the next day and pretend you weren't scared? Or will you just go on about your business and never look back? Or, will you wait for the next 'doomsday' event?

At this point, I wonder... what are we going to do about each other? There is an underlying current of unrest in our country right now. People are tired of giving and not getting. Banks are getting richer and the middle class are getting poorer. A stream of consciousness is emerging. Things need to change. They must change. With a year left (presumably) what will you do? Ending or not, people will hype this day up until the very 'end'. Then they will say the Mayans misjudged the day by a few weeks and the hysteria will begin again for a little while. Just my thought on that.

Moving on to the day, MY BOYS WON!!!! We beat Fitchburg today 6 - 0. All I asked was one question to them... "Who wants it?" When your back is against the wall, will you want it? And what are you willing to go through to get it?

(Greyskale Mulitmedia created video/ET The Hip Hop Preacher speech)

How bad do you want it? As ET says, you have to want success as badly as you want to breathe. I first discovered this video about a month ago. When I heard that part of this video I realized... I've never truly wanted anything. I always said I did. I would pretend I did. In my heart, if I wanted it I'd have damn sure done something about it. Think about each breath you take. When you work out, or exercise hard and you breath harder. That's not wanting to breath. You know your breathing will catch up. If you've ever had asthma, or ever came close to drowning... you would give up ANYTHING to catch your breath. To feel your lungs fill up with life. Have you ever wanted something that bad? Ever? I answered no. When you say you'll quit smoking, stop drinking, etc... do you really want to? Or are you going through the motions. I look at my football kids and I see some of them jogging during suicides and they really don't want to improve. They aren't giving it their all. It makes me so mad. There will be no progress without a process. If you don't understand what you have to do and you don't want to work for it.... it's never going to come. Period. Oh sure, some people get handed everything and it will piss you off. Why? Because they got it and you didn't. Plain and simple. If you were handed what others get handed you wouldn't turn it away. You'd take it like they did. So why be mad? Just respect the process and get yours the hard way. I heard it once said, nothing in life worth having comes cheap or easy. I am so proud of my boys today... they did what they had to do today. They fought and gave it their all and in the process, they got a W. 

The job I have currently is a bad one. I have cleared 1K in a bi-monthly check twice in the 5 months I've been here. Nowhere near the pay they promised me. I still respect the process and I'm looking for another job. My ex is facing an eviction in two weeks if she doesn't come up with 1K. My checks are so minimal I am overdrafted by Saturday if I get paid on Friday. I can't help her in the least. My car payments are two months behind and I can't even catch that up. I realize.... you have to want success as badly as you want to breathe. I want success badly. It's not about money, prestige in the job, or position in the company. Success to me is the ability to support oneself and loved ones by working in a field you would do even if you were working for free. I'm going to get better. I deserve better. I KNOW better. If doing trash pick up is going to make my kids stable and happy, I will gladly pick up trash everyday if that's what it takes. I want success. I want to breathe it in. My mantra for years has been respect the process.... I still do and I always will. Everything has a process. As day falls, night begins. For good, there is evil. For summer, there is winter. All these things are cyclical. Each has a proper announcement and place. Respect all of these. In life, there is peace and there is chaos. Which one resides in your life? It's up to you. All of my problems are only chances to make me work harder. As Bruce Lee said (I mentioned this in a previous post):

Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. 




Adapt and live... or be rigid and die. I refuse to stop until I am successful. Whatever it takes, my son will have a suit in his closet. My mom always says "Every gentleman must have a suit in his closet.". He will have one and I will make the appropriate sacrifices to make that happen.

They deserve it. They deserve all my love, sweat, tears, and life. I will make this happen. For them. They love me and I owe them my life. Simply put... how bad do I want it? Bad enough that I can't breath unless I get this right. 

Give of yourself, and you will get the world. When you can't give, give more. Push yourself... I promise the reward will be that much sweeter. 

With that said... Be water my friend.