That Lucky Old Sun kinda describes my mood right now...
The world we live in is in a state of disarray. It would
seem that even as I type this there are people blaming others for mistakes
being made. It saddens me to no end. I look at my life as a whole and I start
to question ‘What is the point?? What is the point of doing good and living
life in service of others if people just won’t see the good in themselves or in
others?’ I look at the world around me and I see people doing things just for
the sake of doing them. Automated responses of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘Thank you’ but
no real heartfelt moments are shared. Too many times, people actually believe
that they are looking out for each other and celebrating each others successes,
but in reality they are celebrating their ‘squads’ successes. It’s not real if
you can’t even celebrate your enemies successes. Want to know the mark of a
real soldier? When s/he wants to fight the best. That’s a real soldier right
there. It ain’t real when you talk about uplifting people then shitting on
everyone that don’t fit your design. It don’t work. Simple as that. It’s an
illusion. You’re fooling yourself.
I think in some ways I have been fooling myself for a while.
Everyday I wake up and I see my life like this…
I’m sinking in quicksand. Nowhere to run, nowhere to turn. Some days
it takes everything inside of me to get up, Other days I can do it. I always
tell myself ‘Suck it up buttercup, you’ve been through worse. Others have it a
whole ton worse that you so get up and get going.!!’ I get in the shower and I
think ‘Maybe I should just go back to bed. Fuck this day and everyone in it. I
haven’t even left the house yet but these ungrateful fucks are gonna ruin me
and everything I’m working for so why bother?’ Talking to people feels like talking
to brick walls. Like Bill Belichick says ‘After ‘but’ comes B.S.’ all the damn
excuses roll in when there’s reasons why. I don’t have all the answers but I do
happen to know my shit. When I happen to say ‘Hey, this is a bad, bad, bad
idea.’ Chances are… it’s a pretty bad fucking idea. I’m usually down for
anything but there’s not much more I can go for til the bough breaks.
I’m on my
last leg and these days, I’m not getting any faster at fixing things. It’s one
thing after another. I wish I had some do-overs in life, I honestly do. No
realness, no fresh takes from people it’s the same shit. Shits getting old. It
makes me just want to lock the door and pierce my eardrums. Is there anyone out
there that is real anymore? Anyone that is about improvement in the world AND
themselves? Stagnant water CANNOT sustain life. It just can’t. With that said,
this is why our world is falling apart. Everyone is busy pointing the finger at
what isn’t given and isn’t working towards helping to sustain. If you’re doing
the same bullshit today that you were doing ten years ago then you ain’t about
shit. You need to change shit up? You mean to say you haven’t had ANY life
experiences that have made you grow as a person? You haven’t had ANY situations
that made you say ‘Nope, I need to change this.’? Then you are basically dead
inside. Sorry to tell you but call a coroner cause you have been dead a long
time. Might as well pack the shit in. Doing nothing and complaining for change
is gross negligence on your part. That’s total facts. Seriously.
Me sitting here talking about making changes after these past few posts is kind of crazy and I get that. However, I recognize my failings. I've been sputtering about going back to the gym. Want to know the reasons why?? I think it stems from my dad. Check back to Keep Some Change In Your Pocket post from last year. I miss lifting. I truly do. It was my one release I had. I found a new release with the Beavers this year and had a GREAT time.
One thing I know about myself... I'll lie down and bleed out awhile but I have a warrior's spirit. Can't help it. I'm like the phoenix,
WARNING: GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT BEFORE I GET UP
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