An Open Letter To My Dad

So I guess since it’s the week of Christmas, I’ll write this post. It’s for my Dad. I used to write a lot as a teenager so I’ll just write this open letter to him. Maybe it will help someone struggling with depression, mourning, or well life in general.

Dad,

It’s been about a year and a half since you left us. Since then, I did that strongman competition that I was training for when I saw you last. I came in last, but I didn’t quit. I did the whole competition just like I said I would. I’m still working part-time as well and the hours are long, but I still keep change in my pocket like you always said to. I don’t work at the same place though, I work at Texas Roadhouse now. They make steaks and ribs. A lot of times when I make the ribs, I think of you when I’m putting diamonds on them and I can hear you telling me they are ‘sweetest things you ever wanna see’. Everyone there is great. My manager is a great guy that understands how to treat people as well as his employees. He runs the restaurant exactly how I would if I were still in management. That’s why I stay there. He looks out for me and how I could get run down. He checks in with me to see if I’m good from time to time. Wish you could have met Joe. He’s a great person and an even better boss.

I went back to playing football too! I did exactly what we talked about. I played for a team that played the Sabercats. We split the series. Not to toot my own horn but Dad, I did great. I really did. I played my heart out. I ran hard, tackled hard, and cried hard. The coaches, the team, the owners all care about each other. It was such a welcoming atmosphere that I’m going back for another year.

The kids are doing so great. Da’lin is in high school now! Can you believe it?!?!?! He turned his grades around and is taking THREE honors classes!!  He’s come into his own Dad. He is a great personality mix of you and me. He has my sense of style and your tact. He says whatever hits his mind (like you did) and he doesn’t even realize that it’s exactly like you. He’s on his way to being a responsible, caring, and reliable young man that knows family comes first. I’m proud to call him my son. I tell him I love him every time we talk. Side note, I know you never said it to me, but I know you did. Miri is big into dancing and acting now. We signed her up for hip hop classes about a year ago and Dad, I have to say… she is so good at it. You’d have come to her show last year. She did awesome. She loves it so much. Remember when I played sax in the beginning? How my eyes lit up when I’d start playing? Miri is just like that dancing. She is just amazing. They don’t talk about you much at least not to me, but maybe to Lindsey. Da’lin will be driving in just over a year!! I wish you were here so you could see him driving. You’d be so shocked to see it. I know you would. They are getting so big Dad. Really. Also, I hope you met Anthony up there. He would be 18 now. As I told you on your deathbed, he's my oldest and he passed at 3 days old. Mom doesn't even know I don't think.

I finally got a Cadillac too! A 2003 Deville. Your cane and hat are in the back seat. It reminds me of the last time I saw you every time I look there. I know you must laugh every time you see me get in it.

It’s hard for me to say this, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about joining you. Life is so hard without you and I carry a smile with a kind word for everyone I see, but you are my best friend and knowing I can’t see you is the hardest thing in my life. I’ve spent the past year and a half resenting… let me rephrase LOATHING myself because you’re not here. I didn’t go to see you in the hospital before you were put on life support because I was too weak. My heart couldn’t take seeing you like that. I look at your picture everyday at work and I think about all our fights we had, the things I said in life… and I’m sorry. I wish I could take them back but I can’t. All I can do is tell everyone I know to make amends as much as possible with those that matter. So Dad, I have to leave you with this…

The last day I saw you, I went to the gym to train and left you. You were in my rearview. The last image I have of you alive is in my rearview. I haven’t trained seriously since. I hate myself for choosing training over you and spending time with you. This year, I have to let it go. For Christmas, I’m letting resentment go and picking up the weights. I’m letting go of anger and picking up faith. Faith that I can do what I originally set out to do. We had many fights when I was growing up. That is true. We had a friendship filled with love and laughs the past decades and I will cherish those. I know you’d want me to get over it. To do everything I can to be a better father, friend, and person. I’ll be 37 in a little over a month. I’ve let my life go for long enough. I can carry you in my heart, but the regret has to go. Starting tomorrow Dad, I'm going to start training again. I want to compete again. I'm meeting great people that are into the same sport of strongman and I am feeling the itch. I feel better knowing them. I feel like you may have had a small part in meeting Lindsay, Aaron, Dave, and of course... you met Nick. I have to get back to the positive. Reckless abandon Dad. The negative has to go. Negative people, negative thoughts. I hope that you'll remind me to get rid of the negativity and things that are bad for me at every turn. We had a great run Dad. A GREAT run. I’m going to live my life to the fullest and be the father that you taught me to be. I’ll keep some change in my pocket, keep my kids laughing, keep my family first, speak my mind regardless if people want to hear it or not, and put in my 8 then go home. Until then… I’m just a work in progress. I want to show you the last picture I took of us.

I love you Dad,

Danny

As always… comment, share, whatever.

Laying Down And Bleeding Out...

That Lucky Old Sun kinda describes my mood right now...

The world we live in is in a state of disarray. It would seem that even as I type this there are people blaming others for mistakes being made. It saddens me to no end. I look at my life as a whole and I start to question ‘What is the point?? What is the point of doing good and living life in service of others if people just won’t see the good in themselves or in others?’ I look at the world around me and I see people doing things just for the sake of doing them. Automated responses of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘Thank you’ but no real heartfelt moments are shared. Too many times, people actually believe that they are looking out for each other and celebrating each others successes, but in reality they are celebrating their ‘squads’ successes. It’s not real if you can’t even celebrate your enemies successes. Want to know the mark of a real soldier? When s/he wants to fight the best. That’s a real soldier right there. It ain’t real when you talk about uplifting people then shitting on everyone that don’t fit your design. It don’t work. Simple as that. It’s an illusion. You’re fooling yourself.

I think in some ways I have been fooling myself for a while. Everyday I wake up and I see my life like this…

 

I’m sinking in quicksand. Nowhere to run, nowhere to turn. Some days it takes everything inside of me to get up, Other days I can do it. I always tell myself ‘Suck it up buttercup, you’ve been through worse. Others have it a whole ton worse that you so get up and get going.!!’ I get in the shower and I think ‘Maybe I should just go back to bed. Fuck this day and everyone in it. I haven’t even left the house yet but these ungrateful fucks are gonna ruin me and everything I’m working for so why bother?’ Talking to people feels like talking to brick walls. Like Bill Belichick says ‘After ‘but’ comes B.S.’ all the damn excuses roll in when there’s reasons why. I don’t have all the answers but I do happen to know my shit. When I happen to say ‘Hey, this is a bad, bad, bad idea.’ Chances are… it’s a pretty bad fucking idea. I’m usually down for anything but there’s not much more I can go for til the bough breaks.

I’m on my last leg and these days, I’m not getting any faster at fixing things. It’s one thing after another. I wish I had some do-overs in life, I honestly do. No realness, no fresh takes from people it’s the same shit. Shits getting old. It makes me just want to lock the door and pierce my eardrums. Is there anyone out there that is real anymore? Anyone that is about improvement in the world AND themselves? Stagnant water CANNOT sustain life. It just can’t. With that said, this is why our world is falling apart. Everyone is busy pointing the finger at what isn’t given and isn’t working towards helping to sustain. If you’re doing the same bullshit today that you were doing ten years ago then you ain’t about shit. You need to change shit up? You mean to say you haven’t had ANY life experiences that have made you grow as a person? You haven’t had ANY situations that made you say ‘Nope, I need to change this.’? Then you are basically dead inside. Sorry to tell you but call a coroner cause you have been dead a long time. Might as well pack the shit in. Doing nothing and complaining for change is gross negligence on your part. That’s total facts. Seriously.

Me sitting here talking about making changes after these past few posts is kind of crazy and I get that. However, I recognize my failings. I've been sputtering about going back to the gym. Want to know the reasons why?? I think it stems from my dad. Check back to Keep Some Change In Your Pocket post from last year. I miss lifting. I truly do. It was my one release I had. I found a new release with the Beavers this year and had a GREAT time.

We had one HELL of a run at the championship. I have a feeling a lot of the guys won't be back, but it's fine. Everyone has their reasons. It was an amazing time. I will say, the season was dedicated to my dad and I executed it very well. I played my heart out. The 2016 season I feel in my heart will be my very last and championship or not, I believe I'll be done.

One thing I know about myself... I'll lie down and bleed out awhile but I have a warrior's spirit. Can't help it. I'm like the phoenix,

WARNING: GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT BEFORE I GET UP

Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde

Hi there. Here I am. Been a while. I'm tired. I'm sore... and this is my therapy. When I was younger I used to write all the time. I just don't feel it much anymore. Maybe because I'm older and don't have the time to? I don't know.

So it seems I lost my determination for myself somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I am still here to support and be a voice of reason for others, but for myself I couldn't care less. I have officially thrown in the white towel. I guess I just don't care about my situation or myself. It is the strangest feeling to care so much about others and look at yourself as if you have outlasted your usefulness. I find myself not interested in anything anymore. 'Go through the motions.' is what I tell myself. I coached my 3rd/4th grade girls basketball team on Friday night and I couldn't really think about much. I just ran through the motions like everything was fine. Fact is... it's not. I'm not and I know it.

(L) Is the real life me (R) is what I show everyone else
after the morning shower and getting dressed

At one time in my life when I was just starting out as a father, I had a serious drinking problem. Lindsey (the mother of my children) and I were living in a studio apartment and I was drinking 2 handles of Cuervo a day. I'd make her come home almost daily to bring me my second bottle... or we'd have a problem. Bear in mind I never put my hands on her because of it except for the last time I touched alcohol for about 7 months. I'd have our son and I'd be sloppy drunk by 9 AM. I was the worst father ever. He was just over a year. Now I was functional and could change his diaper, feed him, and all the other things, but had no car so I couldn't drive him anywhere, we had friends downstairs as well but that is NOT an excuse. The one time Lindsey put her foot down and threatened to not let me see our son and make me leave I did push her, and I left. I stopped cold turkey for 7 months. After 7 months she trusted me to just go have a few and come back normal. I always have since then. At that time, I just loved the taste of alcohol. Tequila was like water to me. I was legit thirsty for it. I needed it to function and it was something I'd be mad as hell if I didn't have it. If it was food money or my alcohol, well they would have to go without and I'd have to have my alcohol. It was hard to stop cold turkey. I think I might need to again. Now, I'm not at that 'I crave the taste' level but I do drink nightly. I have no drive to do anything else. I don't have the desire to go to the gym like I used to. I guess you could say… life won. As of now, it has beaten me into compliance.

When I go to the gym I feel amazing, but when I leave the feeling doesn’t stay with me so I abandon it. I now have the time to but I find myself thinking about the external shit that I have to do when I’m lifting. The pressures that I’m facing everywhere else in my life. I spend my time feeling like this everyday so I wake up in the morning (usually after a night of drinking) and put on my face and ‘preach’ the POWER OF POSITIVITY to everyone else while sinking deeper into my pit of despair with a smile on my face. I do believe in it still… just not for me. This is something that just is one damn blow after another.

People around me spend way too much time being in despair and doing nothing to fix it so either I move to a cabin in the woods far away or I join them. It’s too much to be the only one fighting for what I believe in. Too much work to keep saying ‘You need to do it if you believe in it.’ And getting blank stares in return. I’m done. People half-ass life in this world and complain at the half-ass results they get and it takes a toll on you. When they say negative energy comes from company you keep? That shit is real as hell. Want to know what isn’t real though? People. Not anymore. Very few people own that shit. If you’re a dick, then own it. Racist? Cool. Own it. People disguise shit and make you scratch your head, but won’t admit it and call you out your name because you say something. This world is a cold place, and it’s only getting colder. Sadness everywhere. No room for people to care anymore. Who should and why should they? Thursday morning people are gonna be ‘thankful’ for what they have (taken from the indigenous Americans) and float right into Christmas (I’m sorry most Christians say X-Mas now out of stupidity and laziness) to celebrate a refugee born in a barn after being refused shelter. Sensible isn’t it? Our world is screwed.

Does anyone REALLY want to change? Ask yourself, if you’ve said in the past year that there were things about yourself that you didn’t like or you complained about yourself (And you CAN control it) have you done enough to change that problem or situation? If not, then YOU my friend are the problem. See, I want to get ‘strongman ready’ so my ass should be on a good diet and training regimen…. But I’m not. Is that anyone else’s fault? No. Am I going to take it out on anyone else? No. That’s on me. Too bad most in this shitty world aren’t adult enough to look in the mirror and say ‘You know what? This is on me. I need to fix this. I have to be better.’

Healthwise, I know there’s an issue but I’m going to wait until there’s a true marker. My memory is shot… again. I go to talk in front of people and sentences don’t make sense. If I get instructed to do something, sometimes five minutes later I forget what I was told. I’ll remember something differently than the way it legit happened. If I laugh too hard, I start to sweat and I get light headed with an aura like I’m gonna pass out. I used to love public speaking. I used to make sense when I talked. Now it’s usually just a bunch of jibberish. I embarrass myself most times when I talk because my brain knows what I want to say but by the time it hits my mouth something got lost in the middle… legit.

Why did I do this? Well, because as far as I’m concerned I’m not really concerned with what happens from this point on. I’m calling myself a therapist as of the completion of this post. Mentally, guess I’m at the point of a legit medical breakdown and before that actually happens I’m going to get the help I need to get this under control.

Some know parts of this, no one knows all. Now the internet will. Not many read these but I put it here because at least I’m still organized when I write.

   
As usual, comment or not. Open as hell cause... shit... there ain't much else left to say...

God Didn't Give Me What I Deserved... And It's HIS Fault!!!

So it happened. I fell. I fell so hard I really don't know if I'll recover.

This is a model like the car I USED to finance. I say USED to because I had it repossessed. Yes, I said it... it's gone. At over five hundred dollars a month, I couldn't take it anymore and I just let them come and take it. I knew the day was coming. Hell, I even predicted it back in January that by the summer it would be gone. Am I angry? No. A little bitter? Maybe. Stressed? Definitely. I always said it may cost a lot, but it's mine. I work hard to have a vehicle I know won't fall apart on me and I know will drive when I need it to and now I have no car at all. No freedom to go when I need to, no freedom to just drive away when I want to. Want to know why this happened? It's all God's fault. Every bit of it. I'll tell you why...

I've spent the past year working two jobs just to break even... barely. I prayed so often that He would give me more money at my full time job just so I could stop working part time. I begged that He would let me sleep and get rest for just another hour longer. I spent more often saying "If you give me a promotion, then I'll do better. I'll BE better." I cried for more time to train and get in the gym. I spent SO much time trying to bargain with God that I don't think I bothered to have a legit conversation with another human being in the past year. It is amazing how I can even have a normal phone conversation.

The bills are long and the money is short. A lot of people know that struggle so I don't need to go into great detail about that. Every time I get tired I just think about the bills piling up and I say "Well, I would just leave the part time job but eff it, I need the money." I come close to falling asleep at my full time job almost daily because of the stress and wear and tear on my body and I still say "Eff it, I need the money." It's a vicious cycle. I just need the money and you wanna know something... I don't have enough... and I prayed for more... for strength, for sleep time, for gym time, for more time to even eat right... and I didn't get it... and it's not given to me... here's why...

I. DIDN'T. DO. MY. SHARE....

See, we all want to be rich, we all want 'more time'. Ask yourself... what did you do to create with what you DO have? I had extra money at points but what did I do? I ate out more because I couldn't go shopping or I didn't feel like cooking. So I spent up my money until I had no extra. I spend money at work to eat the food at the cafeteria (which has great food by the way) because there is not much shopping going on at the house. I'm stressed at the crib so rather than get adequate sleep, I spend extra money on alcohol so I don't have to deal with the drama of life and finances. I work 0800 - 1700 during the week and am usually in bed by midnight. Come Friday, I work usually 01700 til 0100 then I'm up till 0600 drinking... all night. In between I'm cleaning and watching movies or something. I spend most of my off time being complaining about what happened to me in my life in the past few years. My days in church taught me that God does not like to be tested. I did plenty of that. I keep wanting to change people in my life and their attitudes and they will not. Who am I to think that? If people want to do nothing with their lives then to hell with them. If they choose to watch me struggle and just say "Wow, that sucks bro." then I'm the ass for keeping them in my life.

So if you think about it and are not into religion, put it in terms you can understand. Then with all the crap I do with myself I certainly have done myself no favors by not saving any money nor putting time in the gym, nor am I improving my lifestyle. My heart is breaking, my life is falling apart, and I have ambitions, goals and dreams... and I did not do my share. I need to do my share. I need to find the strength to push off those who aren't into building up this part of my life... it very well is time to compartmentalize my life. I'm 36 years old, no transportation, tired, sleep-deprived, and broken.

Next time you think you deserve more than what you have, ask yourself... what are you doing with what you're working with. If you're wasting it, then maybe you don't need more but you just need to get better with what you have and then you can achieve more.

Bottom line, is it God's fault? No. It's my own. I didn't do what I was supposed to... which was work with what I had.

Truest Of The True

 

 

 

 

  As I sit here at midnight, I'm thinking about everything in my life. I'm over everything. I've found that emotions of most other people are situational, the words most people use are only meant as filler, and honestly... I am well aware of the truth.

 

  Once upon a time, I was a very clingy person. As soon as someone showed me a little attention I was either in love or wanted them to be my friend for life. I think back to the days in seventh and eighth grade when I was just coming into my own and I wanted to have more friends. Every girl that would smile at me I would ask out (I always got a no for an answer) and every boy that laughed at my jokes I would invite over to my house. I always kept to myself other than when I was with my friends and such. I had very few friends as when I was younger I had a stutter and I was pretty erratic at times.

 

  That's enough of the past. Let's talk about the present. People constantly lie. That's the role they play. I've had enough of drama and lying. No one can tell the truth and accept things for what they are. I would never mind the truth and honesty. People can't be about that life. Everyone wants to pay lip service but not be real and honest.

 

  I used to believe that everyone said what they meant and meant what they said, but I trust no one. I stand solo everyday. Everyone lies, everyone says the word 'love' but very few mean it. Everyone wants to throw the bullshit at me but I don't buy it. I've become cynical in my life because of the people in it. Each morning I wake up and wonder how much bullshit will I encounter that day. Most people don't accept me for who and what I am. Sure, people say they are down for me and everything I stand for but when push comes to shove I am on my own.

 

  I've worked for over a year to make myself into what I am. I find that I like me more than most people close to me do. Also, I feel accomplished in my life and yet so unfulfilled. Too many times as of late, I've looked back at my past and wished I had made different choices. I used to think that the past makes us who we are but now I feel that I've made some regrettable mistakes I sincerely wish I could recify, but I can't.

  After my father died, I died inside myself. Parts of me no longer existed. Dad always shared who was real in his mind and who wasn't. I have adopted that same behavior.  I find that people won't stick to the same principle. I'm tired of people lying and not being true to me. I'm just done. Most people don't care about me for me anymore.. they either care about me for what I can do, or what I can bring to the table. I want realness and I crave the honestly and purity. I just can't get it. I have worked to make myself into what I am and it feels like it's not enough. I like me, some people don't like me, and honestly don't like me or the physical me. I don't care. Take me for what I am, or walk away.

Short, simple, and that's that. Done.
 

I Am What You Think I Am... An Asshole. And Guess What? IDGAF.

  Here I am, quite a few months removed from my last post. Since then, the holidays have FINALLY passed, my son has been selected for AP English, Social Studies, and Math for his freshman classes as well as turning fourteen. My daughter has turned eight as well. So much more has gone on in my life and I can't possibly cover all of it. So here it is... What I can cover.

  I want what I want. I work two jobs at about sixty to seventy hours a week and I put in quite few hours to break just about even. I see my kids once or twice a week when I'm not working, sleeping, cleaning, or trying to organize my thoughts to work on getting my mind right to get back to the gym and ready for football again (we'll cover that in a few). I don't have time to explain my needs in life or wants anymore. I'm now 36 and I will not continue to keep going over what I expect from the people in my life. Either you're in or out. My life is NOT a revolving door anymore. It's a one way door and that is it. Respect it or check out. Simple. I will certainly respect it if anyone ever needed to check out of my life due my way of thinking not fitting their style. I'm not exactly 'one size fits all' and I know that. What I will not do as well is keep talking about the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. THAT is the definition of insanity. If I say I want something then dammit that is EXACTLY what I want. I don't mince my words. If it's asked, then I say it. It may come across shallow, it may come across as wrong, hell it may come across as abrasive but I really don't care  My life is topsy turvy and I don't have time to play games with people in my life. People spend so much time talking and talking about what they want to do or what they're going to do that they actually never get around to doing a damn thing. I speak my mind and don't care who hears or what people think about it. Ask a question, you'll get an answer. Period. I spent far too long holding back and that part of me is dead. I deserve what I want and if I don't get it it's on those that don't give it to me. Simple as that.

 

 

 

  I am what I am. I know I'm an asshole. I don't care who knows it and I really couldn't care less about who feels some type of way about it. I don't have many friends and I like it that way. Many people swear they are my friends and you know what? They aren't. Simple as that. Many people say they care and they don't. Simple as that. Rob always spoke his mind and it pissed a LOT of people off. At the end of the day when he laid his head down he felt the same way he spoke when he said what he said and those that felt bitter about what he sais felt.... well, bitter about what he said cause they probably felt that he had no right to feel the way he did but at least he owned his feelings. I OWN my crazy and I own my feelings. Don't like how I feel? Tough shit. Don't like me because of my feelings? Again, I like me. If you don't like you well I suggest you do something to change that. Do us BOTH a favor, stop talking about what you don't like about you and change it for fucks sake. There's no time like the present to do what you say you're gonna do rather than repeat the same bullshit story and repeat it... and rinse and repeat it.... and rinse and repeat it... the shit gets old after a while. Get my meaning? I dislike people, in fact I give to people out of kindness because it's just the right thing to do. It's not because I owe people, but because I like to. I now take two anti-depressants and I still take anti-seizure medicine. My life guaranteed will be cut short. Fact is, I am okay with that. However I DON'T have the time to keep repeating myself.... Lorazepam, Topamax, and Celexa are my life now. Yeah, I'm a total mess. Do I get to lie down and call my life over? No. Do I get to say "It's a wrap, my Dad is dead and I can curl up in a ball and sleep my life away and everyone and everything can go to hell?" No. Fuck that. If I can't I'll be God damned if ANYONE else in my crew can get a moment to give up either. Buck up or get out. Be excellent, or get gone.

  At the end of the day, I take no prisoners. friend, foe, family.... whoever... all of it is irrelevant. You give me your word and I take you at such. You can't keep it, then respect yourself and me enough to say you can't and it's fine. OWN YOUR CRAZY! It doesn't take much to do that. A pebble without a flaw means more to me than a diamond with one. I'm over bullshit, drama, lip service, fakeness, laziness, and all around backstabbing. To ALL this I say NO MORE!!!!!

  Football season is coming... I'm back.... Southern New Hampshire Beavers. Number 93 is back with a vengeance. No one... and I repeat.... NO ONE will stop me!!! I want vengeance. I worked hard to become an amateur strongman and competed through at the age of 35 and people thought I was crazy, yet I finished. This year, I will stand across from my old coaches and they will see how wrong they were when they thought I was done. I can't wait....

This bullshit here...

 

The bullshit above was my normal two years ago... NO MORE. I'm done. At 36, I will AGAIN do the impossible. FUCK THAT. Green and gold. I'm loyal until they are no longer loyal to me. Fact is this, if you looked at your life as a football team and you are the starting QB and you are the general manager as well, your job is to sign the best offensive linemen to block for you, you're going to want the best for your time and money. You won't want those that are going to bitch about every little thing are you? You're going to want those that are going to help you and keep the defense and bullshit off of you without question. If you can't keep ONE off of you... you lose yards and you're sacked. Manage your time and your team.

 

 

In summation, Drake's new track 'Energy' covers it with the lyric:

 

I got enemies, got a lotta enemies

Got a lotta people tryna drain me of this energy
They tryna take the wave from a nigga
Fuckin’ with the kid and pray for your nigga

 

 

Listen to the track here. 

 

 

Point is this... I want it all. I want and DEMAND excellence. I accept NOTHING less. Get on... or get out. 

 

 

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