Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde

Hi there. Here I am. Been a while. I'm tired. I'm sore... and this is my therapy. When I was younger I used to write all the time. I just don't feel it much anymore. Maybe because I'm older and don't have the time to? I don't know.

So it seems I lost my determination for myself somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I am still here to support and be a voice of reason for others, but for myself I couldn't care less. I have officially thrown in the white towel. I guess I just don't care about my situation or myself. It is the strangest feeling to care so much about others and look at yourself as if you have outlasted your usefulness. I find myself not interested in anything anymore. 'Go through the motions.' is what I tell myself. I coached my 3rd/4th grade girls basketball team on Friday night and I couldn't really think about much. I just ran through the motions like everything was fine. Fact is... it's not. I'm not and I know it.

(L) Is the real life me (R) is what I show everyone else
after the morning shower and getting dressed

At one time in my life when I was just starting out as a father, I had a serious drinking problem. Lindsey (the mother of my children) and I were living in a studio apartment and I was drinking 2 handles of Cuervo a day. I'd make her come home almost daily to bring me my second bottle... or we'd have a problem. Bear in mind I never put my hands on her because of it except for the last time I touched alcohol for about 7 months. I'd have our son and I'd be sloppy drunk by 9 AM. I was the worst father ever. He was just over a year. Now I was functional and could change his diaper, feed him, and all the other things, but had no car so I couldn't drive him anywhere, we had friends downstairs as well but that is NOT an excuse. The one time Lindsey put her foot down and threatened to not let me see our son and make me leave I did push her, and I left. I stopped cold turkey for 7 months. After 7 months she trusted me to just go have a few and come back normal. I always have since then. At that time, I just loved the taste of alcohol. Tequila was like water to me. I was legit thirsty for it. I needed it to function and it was something I'd be mad as hell if I didn't have it. If it was food money or my alcohol, well they would have to go without and I'd have to have my alcohol. It was hard to stop cold turkey. I think I might need to again. Now, I'm not at that 'I crave the taste' level but I do drink nightly. I have no drive to do anything else. I don't have the desire to go to the gym like I used to. I guess you could say… life won. As of now, it has beaten me into compliance.

When I go to the gym I feel amazing, but when I leave the feeling doesn’t stay with me so I abandon it. I now have the time to but I find myself thinking about the external shit that I have to do when I’m lifting. The pressures that I’m facing everywhere else in my life. I spend my time feeling like this everyday so I wake up in the morning (usually after a night of drinking) and put on my face and ‘preach’ the POWER OF POSITIVITY to everyone else while sinking deeper into my pit of despair with a smile on my face. I do believe in it still… just not for me. This is something that just is one damn blow after another.

People around me spend way too much time being in despair and doing nothing to fix it so either I move to a cabin in the woods far away or I join them. It’s too much to be the only one fighting for what I believe in. Too much work to keep saying ‘You need to do it if you believe in it.’ And getting blank stares in return. I’m done. People half-ass life in this world and complain at the half-ass results they get and it takes a toll on you. When they say negative energy comes from company you keep? That shit is real as hell. Want to know what isn’t real though? People. Not anymore. Very few people own that shit. If you’re a dick, then own it. Racist? Cool. Own it. People disguise shit and make you scratch your head, but won’t admit it and call you out your name because you say something. This world is a cold place, and it’s only getting colder. Sadness everywhere. No room for people to care anymore. Who should and why should they? Thursday morning people are gonna be ‘thankful’ for what they have (taken from the indigenous Americans) and float right into Christmas (I’m sorry most Christians say X-Mas now out of stupidity and laziness) to celebrate a refugee born in a barn after being refused shelter. Sensible isn’t it? Our world is screwed.

Does anyone REALLY want to change? Ask yourself, if you’ve said in the past year that there were things about yourself that you didn’t like or you complained about yourself (And you CAN control it) have you done enough to change that problem or situation? If not, then YOU my friend are the problem. See, I want to get ‘strongman ready’ so my ass should be on a good diet and training regimen…. But I’m not. Is that anyone else’s fault? No. Am I going to take it out on anyone else? No. That’s on me. Too bad most in this shitty world aren’t adult enough to look in the mirror and say ‘You know what? This is on me. I need to fix this. I have to be better.’

Healthwise, I know there’s an issue but I’m going to wait until there’s a true marker. My memory is shot… again. I go to talk in front of people and sentences don’t make sense. If I get instructed to do something, sometimes five minutes later I forget what I was told. I’ll remember something differently than the way it legit happened. If I laugh too hard, I start to sweat and I get light headed with an aura like I’m gonna pass out. I used to love public speaking. I used to make sense when I talked. Now it’s usually just a bunch of jibberish. I embarrass myself most times when I talk because my brain knows what I want to say but by the time it hits my mouth something got lost in the middle… legit.

Why did I do this? Well, because as far as I’m concerned I’m not really concerned with what happens from this point on. I’m calling myself a therapist as of the completion of this post. Mentally, guess I’m at the point of a legit medical breakdown and before that actually happens I’m going to get the help I need to get this under control.

Some know parts of this, no one knows all. Now the internet will. Not many read these but I put it here because at least I’m still organized when I write.

   
As usual, comment or not. Open as hell cause... shit... there ain't much else left to say...